Celestica
by goldsworthys
Summary: After being "shipped out" to California to stay with her father for the summer, conservative Clare Edwards meets a rebellious teenage boy that turns her world inside out.
1. Celestica

**A/N:** Hello everyone! Here we go everyone, my new fanfic! Just a few things to say, this fanfic is _COMPLETELY AU_ and to be completely honest it is _VERY OOC_. So if you're not down to read super AU super OOC fanfics I suggest you don't read this one. I on the other hand am really, really happy with this and I hope you'll all enjoy it as much as I do. Another thing, the place in this story_ IS AN ACTUAL PLACE_ and the house Clare lives at_ IS AN ACTUAL HOUSE_. If you're here from Tumblr, the picture in the graphic I posted is the actual house Clare lives in. I hope you guys all like this story, because I actually really like it! All of the chapters will be after Crystal Castles songs because they were pretty much my ideas for this fanfic. Basically because they give me the idea of two people dancing at a rave or something. Also if this gives CC some rep you guys should listen to them! Eek! I dedicate this entire fanfic to Erin as well, because she's the smut queen and like demands dirty talk and I hope this fic gives her what she wants.

**Rating:** I'm only putting this here because I want you to know it's rated M for a reason. There will be a lot of sexual content and drug use. SO if that's also a no-no in your mind then I also recommend you don't read this fanfiction either.

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Degrassi or Ventura or Arielle's house. Just my mind and my writing mhmm.

* * *

"When it's cold outside hold me - don't hold me. When I choose to rest my eyes coax me - don't coax me."** _Celestica | Crystal Castles_**

I can remember the first time my mother said that she was sending me to stay with my father for summer vacation, and how the first thing I could think of was that she was "shipping me out" so she could be alone for the first time in forever. And by alone, I mean with her 'new and improved' husband. She had sent my step brother off to stay with his birth mother in Vancouver, and me to stay with my father who had recently moved to the states. California in fact. I remember kicking and screaming and telling her I'd rather die than go stay with Randall. Ever since I had found out the reason for their divorce I could never look at him the same way. Screwing another woman that wasn't my mother just sounded horrifying. It was utter betrayal to the entire family. For months I didn't believe it, until he had left and lived in an apartment for a while with another woman. I met her, too. She was pretty. But not as pretty as my mother. The nerve of someone to share something so intimate with someone that wasn't your one and true love is absolutely revolting to me. Then again, wonder if I should even be talking considering I gave up my virginity to my step brother. It still irks just me thinking about it. I did think it was one of the poorest decisions I had ever made. I thought that before I moved to California. And then when I moved to California, I thought moving to California was one of the poorest decisions. And now that I'm out of California, I think that the things that happened in California were the worst. It's funny how I view everything in this way.

I remember sitting in the airport, and my mother smiled at me, and she told me I'd have fun with my father, and to send him her love. I didn't get it. She was married, and she still wanted to send her love to a man who had deliberately gone off and slept with a woman that wasn't her. God says to forgive those who trespass you. I don't believe that. Well, sure I do believe it; I just don't believe it to some extents. My mother forgave Randall months after their divorce. I couldn't even forgive a boy who allegedly cheated on me in grade nine for nearly two years. And then I'm barely even over what happened with Jake yet, and I'm only forcing smiles and faking laughter. Perhaps, California could have been good for me. Only, I don't believe that now.

"Do you have your passport?" She asked. I nodded. "Do you have your ticket?" I nodded again. "And the American money I gave you before you left?" I nodded for a third time, and she relaxed a little. I looked around, noticing Jake and my step father standing somewhere across the airport, talking to each other as Jake whipped out a small piece of paper and fiddled with it in his hands. I didn't know what it was. Under the circumstances between us I didn't really care anymore, either. It had been weeks either of had talked to each other, and nearly a month and twelve days since we had ended our secret relationship. I wasn't keeping track or anything. Jake looked up at his father, and gave him a half sort of smile. It was fake. I knew Jake well enough to see a faux smile from him and the one he gave Glenn was clearly a fake smile. He mouthed the words _thanks dad, _and then looked over at me. Even from possibly a hundred feet away we could look at each other and our eyes could meet. I looked away, because I didn't want my last look before California to be Jake Martin. After being broken hearted I was not in the mood to remember him as my last thing.

"I'll see you in September, mom." I kissed her cheek, and she hugged me tightly. At the beginning when she had said she was sending me to Randall's, I had thought she was trying to get rid of me, but now as she held me it was as if she didn't want me to go anywhere. She kissed my hair, and whispered goodbye practically a thousand times. Thankfully what had released me from her grasp had been the flight attendant calling for flight 218. "Hey, don't miss me too much. I'm only a long distance phone call away." I teased, which I probably shouldn't have done because the waterworks followed suit. I'm not entirely sure how I got out of there, how I had torn myself away from an insane woman's grasp. When I was sitting in my seat on the airplane, I could feel her face glued to the window, watching my plane take off and fly away. I had never left the country before, let alone left her for more than a weekend at Alli's house. This was a big step for her, and she had better take it now before I ditched her for college somewhere far, far away. I loved my mother. I loved her so much, sometimes even too much. But everyone knows what an over-protective mother is like every once and a while. But that was her most of the while.

I had been on an airplane once before. To a place way up north. It was a two hour flight to visit my dying grandmother – it was a very dark trip – but this excursion would be a six or seven hours. Thankfully, I had brought along my big book of Sylvia Plath and had a lot of thinking to do before I got to California. The last time I had seen my father, I had told him that I never wanted to see him again. Mostly because when I was invited to his apartment a little ways away from my own house, he had spent the night going on and on about his new girlfriend and was asking if he could invite her over which I thought was totally inappropriate. I had been invited to spend time with him, and all he did was talk about his Farrah Fawcett-esque girlfriend who he was so interested in. The next morning I told him that I never wanted to see him again and that he could have fun with her all he wanted to. She'd be the only lady in his life.

...

I remember waking up, and finding that my back hurt, and that the plane was coming in for its landing. I remember thinking to myself that my father would be waiting for me once I got off the plane and I'd have to pretend I loved him all over again like a little girl with her father. Though the idea of being around him made me shiver in disgust. I didn't really believe Randall deserved the little childlike love that I'd forcefully give him. As long as he didn't have a new girlfriend on his arm, I figured I could survive a little while – not the whole summer, but definitely a little while – with him. I remember taking my bags and pulling them off of the overhang compartment and slugging them down the aisle to where my father would appear and insist on taking them. I remember him doing just that, and me letting him do it, and give him a big hug and kiss.

"Hi Daddy." I mumbled. The word daddy was sickening on my tongue. I hadn't called him that to his face since the last time I saw him, just Randall.

"Hi sweetheart! Welcome to Sunny California!" he said cheerfully, and I flashed him a fake sort of smile.

"I think you mean Sunny Florida, but I'll take it. It's good to see you." I lied.

It took me a moment to notice that my dad had grown a beard since I had last seen him. He had this ridiculous sort of 'I can't believe I haven't seen my daughter in six months' sort of smile on his face, and I didn't really know how to respond to it. In all honesty it looked as if he was about to cry over me. Nobody ever cried over me except for my mother, but that was completely understandable. Mothers cry. And if they don't cry then something actually must have been wrong that they weren't telling you. It's just in the mom rulebook.

On my way out of the airport, I took notice of a restroom sign, and asked Randall if I could be excused for a moment before going off with him on our (apparently two hour – that's including traffic) car ride back to his house. When he said 'his new house' it gave me a bit of chills. I didn't want him to have a new house, really. I wanted him to be back in my house with my mother and that none of this had ever happened. Perhaps that would mean I would still have my virginity locked up in a heart shaped necklace my mother had given me, but either way I wasn't really thinking towards that. It was more of the three to four months my mother was miserable because of what happened with Randall. Stupid, selfish Randall Edwards.

When I was in the bathroom, it took me a few moments to figure out what the white papery thing was that apparently went over the seat on the toilet. I had never been outside the country before, and Canada didn't have these seat cover things. It made me wonder how unsanitary my country seemed to be, and now I was actually okay with staying in California for three or so months.

"Ready to go, kidd-o?" Randall laughed, as I walked back out to him. My breather (and thinker) time to collect myself was well used, I decided, and the ride to his home seemed do-able for a second. But when we had gotten into the car it was a whole different story.

My dad had always loved _The Clash. _I never really understood his infatuation with them, but he did. He would play them when my mom wasn't around back when they were married, and he apparently continued to still play them now. And on the way home from the airport, I was silently wishing my headphones weren't packed away in my suitcase so I didn't have to be objected to listening to _The Clash_ any longer. Normally, I'm sure I could take it. But I was just unsettled around my father lately, and I didn't want to put up with it anymore. Even if he was flesh and blood. I guess I had gotten the disliking for my fathers favourite band from my mother, because I can recall her saying probably a thousand times: _Turn that racket off! God doesn't like The Clash and I don't either. _And then my father would try to think he was funny by saying something about how if God listened to good music, then he'd listen to _The Clash_.

That's back when my family was happy, but I barely remember times like those.

That's back when my sister lived with us, my sister whose now about twenty and married and also lives on literally the other side of the world. She moved to Kenya towards the middle of my grade nine year. And as much as I thought life without an older sister to yell at you and pick on you and make you feel inadequate would be easy, it truly wasn't. Darcy (that's her name) Edwards was totally gorgeous, popular, and not to mention was also a pretty darn good older sister when it really came down to it. Despite her teasing sometimes (though I deserved it, I used to wear Catholic school uniform every day before I finally got over myself) she was always there for me, and I was always there for her. We were inseparable at home, but at school it was completely different. When she left it was the first time I had been to an airport. The second was the time way up north, and then today. Airports made me think of Darcy. My father made me think of her even more.

We pulled around the corner to the street that was my fathers, and I know that it was my fathers because as we pulled past the Pacific View mall, he went on and on about how excited he was to show me his house. My father seemed far too enthralled about me coming to live with him for the summer. He was constantly going on and on about all the sights to see. Main Street. Salzer's. Golf n' Stuff… this place just didn't seem like my father's scene. He had taken a teaching job at the high school nearby, and had also been searching for a summer job. Good for him considering I wasn't about to spend every moment of my summer with him as he probably expected.

"Goddammit." Randall muttered, and I scowled. He swore now. No, worse than swearing he used the Lord's name in vein. My dad, who used to be 'Mr. Christian' himself, had now thrown all religion out the window again. "Not again." My dad pulled over to the sided of the road and I glanced ahead. Then that's when I saw it. Three boys, all dressed in black were throwing eggs from a grey carton at the house a little ways away. "Hey! Not again! I'll call the police. Not today. Get the fuck off my property!"

One of the boys laughed, and threw another egg up at the second story window. Oh. This was my new house. And I was being welcomed into the neighbourhood with a proper egging. I'd take it as my initiation. "You're bluffing, Randall. You're always bluffing." The boy with the shaggy black bangs spat, and took off with his friends into what appeared to be a hearse, and drove away. I took this moment, now that everyone was gone except for my father, as the cue to get out of the car and tell him that it was totally cool that my new house was being egged my first night in town. It was either do that or let him stand there miserable. So I walked up beside him, took a look at my new house, and said:

"It's cool dad. I like egg salad sandwiches."

That cheered him up; because he pulled me into a side hug we made our descent into the new house. The front was a bit dreary. Perhaps it was the fact that it had egg all over its face, but it was a mush of greens and browns. The inside helped little. There was a creaky setoff stairs that led up to two sets of bedrooms and a bathroom with a creaky door. Actually, all the doors were creaky. I would have judged the house harshly but it was immensely obvious to tell that this house could have been fifty or so years old.

"It's nice." I told him. Off of the kitchen was a pantry and a door to the backyard. It was nearly dark out, though, so I didn't bother checking out the yard.

"I'll get your bags, and then I need to clean the egg off the house." Randall says.

"I can clean up the egg, Dad. I'm feeling a little queasy from the airplane anyway – I need some fresh air." I give him this fake sort of smile, almost like the one Jake had given Glen only six hours ago.

"Okay, it's nearly nine though, so be careful out there." My dad side hugs me once again, and kisses the top of my head. "Only been here five minutes and you're already so helpful."

I meander out of the kitchen, grabbing a role of paper towels and head out to the front yard. My dad was carrying in the two bags and as I was walking out, and the door shut behind him. _Alone at last… _I thought to myself. There was egg all over the front windows, and the panels of the house. Along with the walkway and the grass – which I wasn't about to waste my time on.

"Pretty girls shouldn't be doing a bad boys work." A voice muttered behind me. I nearly screamed; dropping the egg infested paper towel out of my hand and onto the concrete. And as I spun around to see who was speaking to me, my heart nearly stopped. It was the boy from maybe ten minutes ago. The one who had egged my house in the first place. "I'm Eli Goldsworthy." He grins.

"You egged my dad's house." I responded. My heart was still beating unfortunately fast.

"Your daddy's an ass." He spat. And I don't have the heart to stand up for him because I know that it's true. My dad can be a total ass. He had an affair – that made him an ass. "In my defense, I didn't know Randall was bringing home his daughter. Or that he had a daughter. And I surely didn't suspect her to be pretty." Eli paused, as if he was waiting for some sort of reaction from me. But I wasn't giving in that easily. "Anyway," he starts up again as if he had never taken a moment to stop in the first place. He reached down the paper towel roll, and rips one off, joining me on my quest to lean the windows. "What's your name? Blank Edwards. Randall never mentioned he had a daughter. We didn't even know he was married."

"He isn't." I replied, throwing a gloppy paper towel to the ground.

"Ouch. You sound bitter. Ugly divorce?"

"Yeah." It hadn't exactly yet dawned on me that I was talking about my mother and Randall's divorce to a stranger. A stranger that seemed to be in grade eleven or twelve, and had just egged my brand new house.

"Your dad was my French teacher. He was a total asshole and now I have to go to summer school and learn from him _again. _Total waste of my time." I raised my eyebrows. Randall hadn't yet told me that he'd be teaching this summer. In fact, he had made it seem like the entire summer would be a total blast because he'd be spending every waking moment with me.

"Oh." I whisper. And then I add: "I'm not like him."

"I hope not. I would hate to have another Debby-Downer in this town." Eli stops cleaning the front window, and then looks at me. I feel as if he's checking me out but I know there's absolutely no chance that would happen. "Are you busy later?"

"I don't know." I shrugged my shoulders.

"Do you like parties?"

"Not exactly."

"Not exactly?" he ponders.

"I mean I've never been to one." Then he starts laughing at me. As if at first he totally thinks I'm joking even though I'm clearly not. I've been to birthday parties, Christmas parties, and I think one bat mitzvah but never a party-party.

"What about a rave?" he asked.

"What the heck is a rave?"

Eli snorted. "They really sheltered you, huh?" _Sheltered. _I shuddered at the word. I was most definitely not sheltered. Kept in the dark a little, maybe. But certainly not sheltered. "Listen, I can help you out. Let me take you out to a rave."

"That's okay." I reached for a new paper towel, and he grasped my wrist. A gasp fell from my lips and our eyes met. It was dark out – well, getting dark, but the lights from my porch were flickering off of his eyes. They were a green colour. Not quite grass green, but not yet emerald green. Somewhere in between with a dark leaf sort of look. But I immediately turned away, not wanting to start blushing or anything.

"Okay, not a rave. But let me take you out somewhere."

"Why?" I whispered, and Eli shrugged.

"This is my only weekend before summer school. Plus I want to be the first guy in Ventura to take you out. If I don't, and we don't mesh well, then I won't bother. But if we do mesh well, and we don't take the chance then I could let some other asshole mesh well with you and you see; I wouldn't like that very much."

"Why?" I asked again.

"I just wouldn't." he took two seconds to let go of my hand, and clear his throat. As if the whole asking me out situation hadn't happened in the first place. I hadn't rejected him, but he was treating himself as if I had. Then he added: "Why don't you go inside? I'll stay out here and finish cleaning up the mess. I made it, after all."

"I more or less came out here for fresh air, so it's fine. I don't need any assistance from strangers." I grabbed the roll of paper towels, and walked away from him to the front panels of the house – which unfortunately were hard to reach because of the bushes blocking my way.

"Blank Edwards, I insist." It dawned on me at that moment that I still hadn't told him my name. "Then sit on the porch and I'll do it."

"You're persistent, you know."

Eli grinned. "I know." I handed him the paper towels.

"It's Clare, by the way."

"Clare What?"

"Clare Edwards…?" I raised my eyebrows. If he had known my father, the answer should have been obvious.

"Clare What Edwards?"

I sighed. "Clare Diana Edwards." I answered, and Eli smirked smugly towards me as if he was hiding something. "What?"

"That suits you." Then he's cleaning my house, and I'm just watching. This whole place seemed odd. A boy calls me pretty, begs for my full name and suddenly I find him cleaning off my house. Oh, and not to forget, he made the mess in the first place. I tilted my head to the side and finally sat on the front steps.

"So do you live down the street or something?" I asked.

"Nah. I live in Pierpont." He reached into his back pocket and picked out a cigarette. "You got 'a lighter?"

"No." I shook my head.

"It's all right. I've got one on me somewhere." Eli dropped his paper towels onto the grass and shuffled through his pockets until he came across a little black lighter with a skull and roses printed on it. "You want a smoke?"

"No." I shook my head again.

"I didn't think so, but it wouldn't have been very gentleman like of me to not offer you one." Eli lit up his cigarette, and took a drag. Even though he was slightly far away from me, I could smell his cigarette. "Anyway, Pierpont is where the drug addicts live. They're all pretty fucked up, but I'm one of the low-key kids. Along with Adam and Fitz. The guys I was with."

"Oh." I felt as if I sounded interested but for some reason I was a little more worried that this slightly charming teenage boy was trying to poison me. "I'm from Canada."

"Ah, Canadian, eh?" Eli joked. "Soul born Californian. Never been out of the country, and only other states been Nevada. Gotta love Las Vegas."

"Oh."

Eli turned to look at me and he pinned his eyebrows together. "You don't talk a lot, do you?" he asked.

"I guess not." I whispered. I had never really taken into account how I didn't speak much. I couldn't tell if it was because I didn't know Eli one bit, or if it was because I just didn't speak much on my own anyway. I stood to my feet, and leaned against the pillar of the porch. "I should go inside."

"Why?" The roles seemed reversed for a moment.

"I don't know… I think my dad would freak if he saw me talking to you." I paused. "You don't have to finish, by the way."

"If he comes out I can just yell at him in French and prove that I didn't deserve that F he gave me. Because I fucking didn't."

"Why do you say that?" I asked.

"I may have not done the homework, but I aced every single test. Every one of them. He just hated me because I flirted with all the girls in French." Eli took a moment to smirk mischievously at me, before opening his mouth again. "_Cela ne me dérangerait baiser une jolie fille comme vous. Les yeux comme ceux-là ne viennent pas autour souvent_." He speaks to me, and I nearly have to roll my eyes at him. He even added a wink at the end, which, for him, seemed out of character.

"_Peut-être compliments Sèche-vous aller plus loin que un bonjour_."

A cheesy grin curled onto his face, and a laugh fell from his lips. "So you speak French."

"Dad's a French teacher. It would be an _abomination _for his little angel not to speak it." I told him. I was finally starting to feel comfortable around him now. After ten minutes of chit-chatter, I could feel myself becoming attracted to the physical qualities of a guy like him. He wasn't too tall – not nearly as tall as Jake was, let's make that clear – and he wasn't too muscular. But there was just this way about him that made him irresistibly good looking. And when he laughed along with me, it was like we felt some sort of connection. Maybe he wasn't wrong about the meshing together sort of thing. "Anyway, I really think I should go inside." I gestured behind me.

"Couldn't you stay out a little longer?" he croaked, and for a moment he sounded almost needy. But then he quickly picked himself up again by taking a drag on his cigarette. "I don't want it to look like I'm robbing your house."

"Good point." I laughed, and sat back down on the porch steps. We sat in silence for a while. Eli didn't say anything sarcastic – or French – and I just didn't speak. It was probably becoming of me that I was now the quiet girl. He was nearly finished, but after having some form of company that wasn't my fathers, it was like I didn't want him to go. Though clearly his friends were down the street parked in their hearse waiting for him to finish up. I slightly felt bad – but then again, I didn't. "So tell me about Pierpont." I finally blurted out, and Eli looked over at me from his cleaning up and acted as if he was surprised I had initiated conversation.

"Sandy. Really sandy. It's mostly beach. Mostly beach and apartments and then really fucking nice houses. But I'm in the shitty part of the area so I just live around a bunch of rich assholes that piss me the fuck off. I see their kids riding around on their motorized scooters and I think to myself how that scooter could be, like, a pack of cigarettes." Eli rolled his eyes and threw the butt of his cigarette down onto the ground and stepped on it. "Sorry." He muttered.

"So is that all you care about in life? Hooking up with girls and cigarettes?" I questioned. It caused Eli to laugh, which I guess was good. He found me quiet and funny.

"Of course not. I have more substance than that. I just _like _hooking up and cigarettes. Everyone likes hooking up."

I wouldn't argue with him there. I liked kissing. And for the two times I got to have sex with Jake, it was phenomenal. So perhaps he wasn't lying. Except for the cigarettes part. "But you'd rather an environmentally safe way of transportation be a pack of cigarettes for your pleasure. Would they even last you the week?"

"Would they even last me a day is a better way of saying it, Clare Diana." Eli corrected, as he then proceeded to prove his point by whipping out a second cigarette and lighting it up seconds after.

"You smoke an entire pack of cigarettes a day? That bike thing could last you a year! Maybe even longer!" I argued, and Eli shrugged his shoulders at me. He had finished up the walkway by now, and all that was left was the grass, which we weren't going to bother with.

"You just don't understand. I guess you'd got'a be an addict to get it. And clearly you're not so you just don't get it." Eli took a drag, and blew the smoke towards me; probably expecting that I'd try to brush it away or something, which on the contrary, I sat there and took it like a man. Or woman. Whatever. "Anyway. It looks like I'm all finished here, so I guess I'll be off."

"Okay." I smiled a little, as if our time together was heartwarming or something.

"So when can I see you again?" he slipped the cigarette into his mouth, and reached for my hand to help me stand up again. "Like I said, I want to be the first to take you out."

And then I was blushing. I had hid the red cheeky feeling the whole time, but now I couldn't bare it any longer. Even my ears were feeling hot at this point. I slowly let go of his hand, and shrugged my shoulders just a slow as I had let go of his hand. "I… I don't know." I whispered. "I mean I just got here."

"Better now than never."

"Better _late_ than never." I corrected, and Eli smiled at me.

"Either way, I'd like to take you out. I can wait a while for you, if you want." He offered, but I shook my head.

"It's not your fault or anything, it's me. I've dated two guys ever and they both ended up total… total…" I bit my lip, finding it within me to work up the courage to even mutter such a word. "They were total assholes." And Eli seemed to beam at my word, as if swearing was a big accomplishment for me or something.

"Well, I can assure you that I am also a total asshole. But I have the heart to let you know it before I might so possibly hurt you." Eli gave me this genuine sort of look, and let out a breath of air towards me. And it didn't smell like smoke either. It just smelled like plain air. "But I'm not going to hurt you. I think we could have something, you and I." Eli took a step backwards, and swallowed. "If anything, you'd probably end up crushing me at the end of it. If there'd be an end of it. Anyway. I'll come back tomorrow, how does that sound?"

I looked down, a smile on my face that I was so desperately trying to hide. "Okay. Tomorrow then."

"Tomorrow."

And that was the last I saw of Eli Goldsworthy for the night. He walked down the street, lighting up a third cigarette as he approached his hearse with his friends – Adam and Fitz. And I remembered their names because all night I was replaying what had happened with him in my head. The first person of Ventura that I had met was Eli Goldsworthy. I had met him by a proper egging, and then he asks me out on a date. It all seemed like some cliché movie plot to me, though I was hoping it wasn't. Randall had offered me dinner, but I wasn't hungry. Butterflies had consumed my stomach. I just told him that I wanted to go to bed, and so I did. Or at least I lied in my bed, and stared at the awkwardly slanted ceiling above me just imagining an actual date with this rebellious character.

Eli Goldsworthy would have never seemed to be someone that would ask out a girl like me. He was dark. You could tell by the way he did his hair, and how his eyes were coated with a dark substance ('guyliner', I later realized) and how he drove a hearse. I on the other hand preferred books and silence and wearing floral dresses. How did two of us seem to 'mesh' together as Eli thought? The only reason I figured he was even bothering to talk to me was because he wanted a good hookup. Perhaps even because I was the teacher's daughter and he just wanted to get back at my father in the first place. But deep down I was trying hard to believe that Eli was trying to go after me because he was actually taking an interest in me. Not because he was the boy that liked cigarettes and hookups. Because there was a possibility that he might like me.


	2. Insulin

**A/N: **Dear Caitlin, I hope you're happy I finally updated FINALLY AFTER FOREVER and by forever I mean like, four days, you know. Anyway. Hi everyone! Chapter two is now up, I hope you enjoy it! I'm honestly REALLY surprised by the amount of reviews and good words I've gotten about this fic! I didn't think anyone would like it this much, but thank you so much! I have to say a few things, though. To **DegrassiLover2010**, when I used to live in Canada there weren't any. And now I live in California and they do - so, I just included it because I thought it'd be clever but I suppose now they have them? And Also to the anonymous question: **Eclareloverr, **yes! Jake and Clare are step siblings! Also, the time span on this chapter might be a little messed up, like funky but oh well. Enjoy!

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Degrassi, or Ventura. Just the writings and Narnia/Mystery Spot/Adventureland/Wonderland!

* * *

"We dissolve everything, scratch follicles so they don't grow. Expose your shame for all to see, sell your bones as ivory."** Insulin | Crystal Castles**

I woke up the next morning, completely oblivious to where on earth I was. It wasn't my bedroom in Canada. It was this new place with the squeaky doors and creaky stairs. I had forgotten already, and sighed as I stared up at that slanted ceiling again. I could hang a poster there, or when it became the middle of the summer and I had taken tons of photographs I could staple them and be able to stare at memories before I'd fall asleep. After meeting the mysterious Eli Goldsworthy character the night before, I found myself wondering if this summer would be that bad anymore. On the airplane I had been dreading it, heck, even a month before when my mother said I was going to go stay with Randall I was dreading it. Mostly because I didn't think I was going to be engaging myself with a cigarette loving, hearse driving, rave boy. Now I was just itching with excitement. Literally itching. California was like a mosquito wasteland.

I looked at my bags that I had yet to unpack, and sighed to myself. I fumbled around through the bags, folding t-shirts and jeans into dresser drawers. And then, once I had turned and looked at myself in the slim mirror against my bedroom door, I nearly groaned to myself. I was still a gross, jet-laggy mess from the day before. And seeing Eli Goldsworthy like that would have been an absolute disaster. You know that feeling, when you wake up from a good night's sleep, and expect to take a nice, warm, delicious shower and nearly want to fall asleep in its overwhelmingly lovely steam? I wasn't given that privilege. I had even turned it on, and gotten some other things done first just to let the water heat up – but to no avail I was given an ice cold California shower. Perhaps this is what people do, considering the weather is apparently 'so hot.' They take freezing cold showers to keep themselves cool from the heat. Well, I sure wished someone had given me the memo before I stepped into it and nearly screamed.

"Hey, love-bug." My dad said cheerily as I walked down the stairs. My hair was pulled back with a small blue clip that matched the light blue flowery blouse I was wearing. It was evident as I approached him that I was still bitter about the shower incident. He could have at least given me some sort of warning to let me know the water was cursed. "Want some cereal?"

I cringed mentally and then nodded. "Sure dad. Cereal sounds nice." I didn't notice until he gestured towards the milk, cereal, and bowl waiting for me beside his lap top. It was as if he was waiting for me to come down and sit with him. Have breakfast with him. He was probably about to ask me if I wanted to spend the day with him, and just as I had thought it:

"So what should we do today?" Randall asked me, and I shrugged. I had to wait up for Eli Goldsworthy – if he was even going to show up – but I wasn't about to tell my father so soon. I was already nervous of his response to it. Surely I'd be in the doghouse. It was clear that Eli hated my dad, and just as clear that my father probably hated him… I just couldn't risk it. "I have the whole weekend off until summer school starts on Monday morning. So I figured we could spend the day together today, then church tomorrow morning, and brunch after."

"I didn't think you went to church anymore." I muttered. I sat down across from him and shook some rice krispies out of its box and into the bowl. I glanced up at Randall for a moment, noticing that there was this look on his face that told me the answer without him having to say anything yet: _he didn't_.

"Well, I… I don't go to church anymore," he answered, and started typing away on his computer as if it was to distract himself from having to answer me. I stared at him. I just stared. I wanted answers, to everything – yet I wasn't about to ask the questions yet. "I figured since you're here, you would want to go."

"If it's not somewhere that you're a member of, I'm not going. We're not church hopping." I said sternly, and his expression faded. It was becoming obvious that I didn't like him, and perhaps I was making it just a little bit harder on him – but he needed to know. He needed to feel how betrayed I had felt towards him. How betrayed I still feel. I stirred my cereal slowly. "I can't do anything today, either. I have plans."

"Plans?" My dad inquired.

"Yeah. Plans." I replied.

Randall closed his lap-top, and narrowed his eyes towards me. I'd been here maybe twelve hours, and I already had plans. It made sense to me, but not my father. "Who on earth do you have plans with? You just got here." I took a spoonful of cereal into my mouth and chewed. I was avoiding the subject, I just couldn't tell him. "Clare, _who_ do you have plans with?"

"Eli Goldsworthy." I said finally, and filled my mouth up with cereal. I was waiting for him to go berserk, but he didn't at first. He originally stared wide eyed at me as if my idea was totally preposterous. Like I was kidding at first. But I couldn't have been kidding because how else would I have known his name. "He came back while I was cleaning up the house and cleaned it for me. Then he invited me to hang out with him."

"You're not hanging out with Eli Goldsworthy." My dad said sternly, and I nearly snorted. "I know Eli. I had him in one of my classes. He –"

"Yeah, I know. You failed him because he flirted with all the girls. He told me dad."

"No, he failed because he didn't do any of the homework."

"But he aced all of the tests."

My dad was quiet. Maybe It was because I was right (or maybe I was wrong all along, and Eli had made that up to make my father seem like the bad guy, but my dad didn't seem to be defending himself) or because he just didn't know what else to say to me. I took one last bite of my cereal, and dabbed the corners of my mouth with a napkin. He still wasn't saying anything. I stood from my seat, and pushed in my chair.

"I don't know when I'll be home." I shrugged.

"I already told you you're not hanging out with him."

"Yeah, I am." I argued.

"I am your father, and you'll listen to me –"

I shook my head, and nearly began to laugh. He was already starting to get stern with me. I suppose some things never change. "You lost your chance to tell me what to do when you got a divorce, and left mom for another woman. When you left her to get married to someone new and you left me as a father and moved here. You can't just tell me who I can and can't hang out with. I'm seventeen!" I shouted. His face turned pale white. I was sure it would get an argument going, but I never expected it to get him to shut up and let me do what I wanted. "Maybe dad, if you stopped acting like everything was peaches and cream between us, we would actually get somewhere. Because I'm still bitter."

And then I left. I grabbed a pair of spare keys that were hanging beside the front door, and I walked out. I just left, and he didn't go after me or try to stop me or anything. I didn't know where I was going, or what was going to happen when I got outside – but I didn't question it. All I knew was that Eli Goldsworthy was going to come around for me today, and I would sit and wait for it. And my father wouldn't have a say in anything.

I remember waiting in front of my dad's garage, with my legs criss-cross apple-sauce waiting for a mysterious boy to show up and take me around town. I remember looking up, every time I'd hear a car driving by, expecting it to be an old vintage hearse here to pick me up. I'm not sure how long I had waited, and I'm not sure I really want to know how long it was, but when he finally showed up, he pinned his eyebrows together and said something smug like:

"Aw, was Clare Diana waiting up for me?"

I stood to my feet, and walked over to his hearse. I had never seen a real hearse up close before. I don't think I had even seen one from far away, either. Only in movies and television. And seeing one up close was slightly unnerving. Eli reached over, and opened the door for me, allowing me entrance to his car. I looked back at my new home for a second, waiting to see if my father would be looking out the window to watch me get into the car, but he wasn't. He was probably at the table typing away on his computer like always. He wasn't. And he wondered why I hated him.

I closed the car door behind me, and buckled up. It seemed like an ordinary car. It reeked of cigarettes, and there was trash on a good sixty percent of the floor, but other than that, it all seemed normal. I folded my hands in my lap, and turned to look at my driver. "So, where exactly are we going?" I whisper asked.

"The harbor. You'll like it there. I'll take you out for sushi, and we can go on the paddle boats. Then maybe ride the carousel and ya' know, fuck some shit up." Eli tells me, as he puts the car in drive and turns up his music. It's loud, perhaps because he cranked it up so high, or because the band itself was just generally loud. I found a CD resting on the dashboard, and picked it up, and read it over. It distinctly had the words _Nirvana _and _Bleach _on the cover, and I realized what we were listening to. _Nirvana_. I had never been a fan, and my father had sometimes played them in the car, but not religiously like _The Clash _or anything.

"So you like Nirvana?" I asked him, raising my voice slightly so he'd be able to hear me over the loud music. Eli nodded.

"Fuck yeah." Eli started, and I had no idea that asking a question like that would get him to start rattling off a million sentences a mile. "A lot of people around here – especially in Pierpont – say they like Nirvana, but they're just fucking with you. They think they love Nirvana and Kurt Cobain, but more or less, all they're saying is '_Heart Shaped Box! Smells like Teen Spirit!' _Like, fuck off." As Eli turned down a few streets, I could already smell the air of the ocean approaching us. "Oh, _Kurt overdosed on pills_! Just go fucking kill yourself like he did, asshat."

I sat there in silence, listening to him go off about how he wasn't like the rest of the "idiots" in town. Whether or not I believed I could categorize Eli was one of the "idiots" yet, I wasn't sure. Probably if we hadn't met in the way we did, I wouldn't be able to, but for now I wasn't so sure. I crossed my legs, and leaned against the door, my head hitting the window for a moment. Eli was still talking, and I was trying my hardest to act as if I cared when truthfully I had no idea what he was talking about at all. Music that I didn't listen to, people that I didn't know, and movies that I had yet to see. And then, out of the blue, Eli turned off the music, and cleared his throat.

"Am I boring you?" he asked.

I turned to look at him, and unknowingly my voice _hmmm?_'d a little bit. "No, no of course not." I assured him. "I just… don't really know what you're talking about – like at all. I don't know who 'Bianca' or 'Katie' is. And I've never seen _Nightmare on Elm Street._" I mumbled, and Eli laughed as always. I never could really tell whether he was laughing because I was so pathetic or whether I was being funny. Either way, Eli had an enticing sort of laugh.

"You're pretty cute when you're confused." Eli smirked, and turned the music up again. Not quite as loud as before but just loud enough for the both of us to hear it.

"Thanks?"

Then we were quiet. The rest of the way there I didn't breathe a word, and the only time I heard Eli speak or anything, he was singing along with the – incredibly foul – lyrics of the music. Eli pulled into a parking spot, put the car into park, and then looked over at me. There was this twinkling look in his eyes, and then he laughed again – and it wasn't at me for once. Or at least I didn't think it was.

"Okay, come on, Clare Diana. I'm going to show you around the harbor." He helped me out of the car, and we were walking down a concrete path. I could smell the ocean air not too far off, and hear the sounds of seagulls. I had never been to the beach before. Only lakes up in Canada. This place seemed like an entirely new world, and I couldn't wait to be able to slide my toes into the sandy ground and search for sea shells by the tide. But Eli didn't have that in mind for us today. "Ever ridden a paddle boat before?" I shook my head. "Good." He smiled. It caused me to smile too. The first thing I hadn't done I hadn't been laughed at, it was almost _fortunate _that I hadn't.

We walked down a small boardwalk that led to a large regulated area of water, and when I looked out – there were many other people riding around in paddle boats, each of them kicking their knees against the pedals and there were clear grins on each and every one of their faces. For a second, I supposed Eli to leave me there while he went and paid for it – there was a sign which read: _paddle boat rides. $12 per person_ – but he didn't. He grabbed my hand unexpectedly, and pulled me into a paddle boat.

"Eli!" I screeched, and immediately he'd covered my mouth with his hand.

"What do you want us to get caught?" Eli grinned, and slowly let go. "I want to take you somewhere. And it's way more fun if I take you across the harbor in one of these babies."

"But this is stealing?" I whispered.

"So? This is Ventura. Nobody really gives a shit." No persuading was going to get to me. I crossed my arms over my chest, and raised my eyebrows. "What? Do you want me to lie and be like, _oh these people are family. I can do what I want_?" I nodded. "Okay, fine. They're family. But also nobody really gives a shit anyway." Eli started to move his feet to get us away from the dock, and I sighed, moving my own against the pedals as well to get us going. "That's the spirit!" Eli cheered.

"You're ridiculous, you know." I mumbled.

Eli grinned. "I know. But you're going to like this place. Girls like you always like places like these."

_Girls like me? _I furrowed my eyebrows. "Speaking of girls like me. What makes a guy like you want to hang out with a goodie-two-shoes like me?" Eli laughed a little, shrugging his shoulders. He did that a lot.

"Impulsive decision. I learned I've got a pretty fucking good trait to make decisions on impulse, and after time I've learned to just go with it. And getting out of the car last night to help you clean up your house was my impulsive impulse."

"Impulsive impulse." I repeated, and Eli snorted. We both knew how ridiculous that sounded.

"Oh shut up, Clare Diana. It was what it was. Poor choice of words or not." Eli stopped talking, and looked around the harbor, I suppose to try to find a way for us to go. Then he stopped, and I realized I was doing all the kicking for once. He stretched his arms out behind his head, closed his eyes and let out a big – probably fake – yawn. And when I tried to stop pedaling like him, Eli batted his hand at me and said: "No, no, don't stop. I'm enjoying this."

"Enjoying what?"

"This pedaling around the harbor business."

"But I'm doing all the work."

Eli cracked an eye open at me and grinned suddenly. "Precisely. You'll get your turn." I stopped mid-pedal, and crossed my arms over my chest. He was so strange. Talkative and blunt, and yet somewhere I could see this gentleman side of him that he was hiding under all of his sarcasm. I cleared my throat, expecting him to turn his head and look at me pouting like an idiot. And he finally, did. His eyes got all big, and a huge grin spread across his lips and he said to me: "Jesus Christ, that's a pretty face."

"So do you think using flattery will make up for using the Lord's name in vein?" I said sardonically.

"Oh, fuck." Eli placed a hand over his chest. "Did I… Did I insult your religion!?" It was clearer than the water in this harbor – he was being sarcastic. "Oh my God. I'm _so _sorry, Clare Diana. Or should I say – Sister Clare Diana. I better not keep you out to late, don't want you to miss church tomorrow morning." Eli rolled his eyes slightly at his own joke, which I was definitely rolling my own at.

"You can keep me out all night, really." I said softly. "I guess my father hasn't been going to church anymore, so I'm not going to go by myself. Besides, we kind of got into a fight like, right before you came to pick me up." Eli cocked his head to the side in intrigue. "It's not important." I shook my head.

"Clearly it is if you're being all glum about it." Eli reached into his pocket and pulled out his lighter and cigarettes. "Mind if I smoke?"

"Not really." I shrugged.

"Sweet." That was his go-ahead to start again, as he slipped one in his mouth, I couldn't help but take notice of the way his teeth gripped onto the end, and his lips wrapped around it in such a way. Eli took a long, drawn out drag on his cigarette, and I watched as the paper turned into near ashes and he tapped it into the water. I didn't even realize that I was staring until Eli had to point it out. "Take a picture, sweetheart. It'll last longer." That was _my_ go-ahead to look away.

"S-Sorry." I stuttered, and there was Eli's laugh again. He shrugged, and took another drag. All my life I had looked at cigarettes as being the bad guy. The one that would get you addicted with _two _smokes and would kill you with lung cancer. But Eli smoked it without any form of being afraid of death, or like he had a care in the world. "Why do you smoke cigarettes?" I asked. Eli seemed slightly taken aback by the question. And even I was, considering I didn't know I could ask such questions really.

"I like them." Eli said simply, but it didn't seem like he was done. There was more to it somewhere. I started pedaling again, only slower this time. "There's like, a thousand ways to die, right? There's even a television show about it. And like, everyone says cigarettes are going to kill you. I think I've been told that maybe a million times. I like the idea of being able to hold the thing that kills you in your hand. Be the judge of it. I tell it whose boss. I don't really think this little piece of shit's going to kill me. Ninth grade health class, they told me a million times that everyone that smokes is going to die. But I know tons of people that are forty – fifty even. They've been smoking since they were teenagers and they're okay." Eli paused, and nodded his head at me. "Even my old man's living proof of that. He's told me a hundred times about his first cigarette, and he told me to remember mine so I can tell my kids about it. To tell them that smoking's not really the bad guy."

"What's really the bad guy?"

Eli shrugged, and took a final drag on his cigarette and threw it into the harbor. It was remarkable how fast he could blow through one of those things. "Life, I guess. Life just comes around and bites you in the ass nine out of ten times. You think everything's going swell and then life just starts to suck. It's not smoking that's going to kill me. I know that it's not. I just know it." Eli turned his body away from me and started to move his feet with the pedals again. "I told you I'd give you your turn to relax." I smiled a little, and situated myself to be comfortable.

"You're not what I thought you'd be like." I told him and took in a deep breath of the salty air. Before he could even ask what I meant, I started talking again. "Last night you made yourself out to be some total asshole. And I mean, sure, you are. But you're like, insightful."

"Insightful asshole. Impulsive impulse. Sister Clare Diana." Eli chuckled to himself, and then quit pedaling again. "We're here, by the way." The small boat hit another dock, and when I turned my head to see where it was that we had left, I was surprised at how far we had come in such a short time. Eli climbed out, and tied up the small boat to the dock and then reached for my hand to help me out.

"Where are we going?"

"All your questions will be answered in due time, Clare Diana. But for now I just need you to trust me."

I'd never been able to find myself trusting someone I had recently met. Everyone knows that trust is earned, you can't just give it away for free. But there was something just so genuine about Eli. Something so intriguing that I couldn't find myself unable to trust him. Like a magnet, pulling me towards him. I followed him, and we walked down a dirt path into a land of forgotten nowheres. There weren't many trees at first, but they gradually started multiplying, and it felt as if we were on our own precious island. But it clearly wouldn't be our own island if he said that _girls like me _liked places like these. There must have been other girls that had been here.

The place he dragged me out to see looked like it had been planned. Planned as in decorated accordingly, and set up for teenagers to come and hang out. There were surrounding trees, and then maybe seven or eight tree stumps in a circle around another single tree stump. Almost like you'd think it'd be a fire pit in the middle and you'd tell ghost stories there. In between two of the single stumps, there was a pushed over log big enough for two people, maybe three if you were small enough. It was kind of like a bench sort of thing, all planned out.

"This place is much cooler at night, but here it is. The name changes like, every few months after someone gets caught here; but right now it's Wonderland." Eli told me, as he pulled out his package of cigarettes and got himself the second one today. Or at least around me it was his second.

"Why Wonderland?" I asked.

"It just changes like that. It's been Narnia, Mystery Spot and Adventureland already. And Katie got caught here while it was Adventureland so we had to change it to something new. So for now it's Wonderland."

"Yes, but _why? _What makes it so wonderful?"

Eli groaned lightly, as if explaining things to me was just _so _exhausting. He sat down on the log and patted the spot next to him for me to sit beside him. "We have fun here. It's an escape from parents and shit. We don't really worry about getting found over here. We just hang out, and fuck around, and be ourselves."

"Neverland sounds more fitting." I noted, and Eli smiled.

"Neverland." He repeated. "I'll remember that for next time."

I was still a little confused about everything he was talking about, and why it was a big deal if someone got _caught _here. And why they had to change the names when someone did, but I decided not to continue asking any more questions. He was probably sick of me asking him questions anyway. We sat there in silence for an excruciatingly long amount of time. I was waiting for him to say something; because if I did I was sure it would be some stupid question coming out of my mouth for him to answer. I decided to look around and take in the scenery, to try and realize why Eli had thought this place would be fitting for me. But then I started to realize it.

The way the light was cascading through the open trees, and how it was hot out, but the trees gave this perfect amount of shade that kept it the most perfect temperature you could ever imagine. Everything about this place just felt… good. There weren't cigarette butts left everywhere or broken beer bottles. The way Eli had suggested this was where him and his friends hung out, I suspected it'd be a dump, but perhaps they wanted to keep this place clean. Keep it different than what adults expected. Or maybe it was just that if someone found their place, they'd have no evidence of illegal substances.

"You're right. I do like it here." I said quietly.

"Everyone likes it here. It's like a second home to a lot of us." Eli answered, taking a long drag on his cigarette. He blew the smoke into the air, as if he was trying to make smoke rings, but it clearly didn't work out that way. "You don't talk about yourself. I'm tired of talking about me and the shit I like. I want to hear about you and the shit you like. I'm not even that interesting, either. Just a complicated boy who likes drugs and swears too much."

"So you do drugs?" I bit my tongue after asking, trying to scold myself for sneaking in a question.

"Let's. Talk. About. You." Eli pestered, and then he rolled his eyes. "Tell me about Canada. Tell me about all the boyfriends you've had and all the hooking up you do and your hobbies and how much you dislike your dad." Eli told me, and then he closed his eyes. As if he was waiting for me to start talking and I didn't have a say in it. "Speak now or forever hold your peace."

"Well, I…" I swallowed. "I like reading and writing and Chinese food. I'm seventeen, and I wish John Green would write more novels so I could read them." I could hear Eli snort, as if my description of myself was either petty or just not long enough. "And… and I've had two boyfriends and neither of them really hooked up with me much except for my most recent one and it's a terribly long story that I don't want to get into. All in all, I'm uninteresting and stupid and I'm still trying to figure out why you want to talk to me in the first place, other than _impulsive impulses. _You'll probably get bored of me, everyone else does."

Eli peeped an eye open, and gave me a half sort of smile, like he was satisfied with me now. "Good, you got it all out. Or you got something out. Either way you're out now. I like reading too, but I've never heard of John Green." Eli tapped his cigarette and I watched as the ashes slowly fell to the ground. "I stick with the classics, you know. Stephen King, Chuck Palahniuk –"

"How am I not surprised?" I teased, and Eli laughed. He was laughing with me for once, and I could find myself blushing rapidly at this. "John Green's great though. He writes beautifully depressing love stories."

"Gross." Eli flashed me this crooked smile, and it was so beautifully horrifying that it nearly made my stomach sick. It was like when you'd meet a really, really cute boy in junior high and you'd find them desperately good looking and the only thing you could do was really sit and stare at them until they'd leave because you'd never really have a chance with them. But it was weird because for some reason I felt as if I had a chance with Eli Goldsworthy even though we were complete opposites. "I like writing too. But I don't bother with it much because when I get writers block I get so fuckin' frustrated that I kind of want to burn the entire piece."

"I'm sure you're great, insightful asshole." I smiled, half to myself and have back at him. My stomach was doing knots for some reason. Like being around him was making me queasy. Maybe it was the smoke. "Could I ask you something?"

"You just did."

I rolled my eyes. "You know what I mean."

"Yeah, sure." Eli said through a chuckle. "Knock yourself out, Clare Diana."

"Do you guys do drugs out here?" I questioned, and Eli bit his lip. Almost as if he didn't want to ruin something the two of us had by telling me the truth. He had made it slightly clear that Eli did drugs other than just smoking his cigarettes by slipping up with his words earlier, but now it was more intrigue than blankly wanting to know about him. Eli cleared his throat, and looked around.

"Do you know what time it is?" Eli asked, avoiding answering the question.

"If I tell you will you answer my question?" I reached for my cell phone in my back pocket, and tapped the screen to wake it up.

"Sure." Eli mumbled.

"Four nineteen in the afternoon." I said plainly, and Eli reached for my phone out of my hand. I had the urge to demand for it back, but something within me was expecting him to put his number in it, or to take a picture of us and be all excruciatingly cheesy. But he didn't. He sat there staring at the clock until it changed to four twenty, when he looked up at me, and held my cell phone up to the side of his face. He grinned suddenly, and then said:

"You want to get high with me?"

I nearly choked on my own spit, grabbing my phone back from out of his hand and shaking my head wildly. "Excuse me?"

"Jesus, Clare Diana." Eli laughed. He raised a hand and ran it through his black hair. "I was just kidding. I don't _actually _get high at four-twenty, I'm not a faggot." I furrowed my eyebrows, obviously offended by his foul language. "Listen, I just wanted to joke around a bit, okay? I'd never force you into doing drugs. I mean, hanging around me you'll probably try it eventually but I'm not going to shove it down your throat. But yeah, I do drugs here. Everyone I know does drugs here and we have a great time and that's why it's Wonderland."

"Oh." I mumbled.

"That doesn't change things, does it?" Eli asked me. I shook my head. "Good."

"So… what do you do, smoke marijuana, pop pills, inject heroin?"

Eli laughed softly, and shook his head. "Where do you hear this stuff? You make it sound like I'm an invalid."

"Books? Movies? Television?"

"You're crazy, Clare Diana." Eli smiled at me. We were just staring at each other for a little bit. Maybe three minutes or so. It almost felt like a staring contest or something. Surely we were allowed to blink, but it was more or less like that whoever turned away and smiled or blushed would be the loser. I wasn't about to lose, either. Then he opened his mouth, and when I expected him to speak, he shut it again, and stood to his feet. I won. "Let's go somewhere."

"Where?" I asked.

"The rave. It's tonight. Everyone I know's going, and I thought inviting you would be a good idea. I'll stay by you all night, I promise." Eli said. He held out a hand towards me, and I graciously took it, standing to my feet and looking up at him. He wasn't much taller than me. "I know it's not your scene, but I'd hate to keep you cooped up with your dad all night. But if you don't want to –"

"Eli," I smiled, putting my hand on his bare arm. He was warm. "I'll go with you."


	3. Black Panther

**A/N:** I really don't want to lose you guys after this chapter but for some reason feel like I will? Like honestly, it's not poisoned or anything - I just feel like people are going to think I'm moving too fast or that it's far too OOC but truthfully I don't really care because I really like this and the story get's more... interesting (and uh, smuttier) as it progresses. Let's be real, a lot of my friends said I held out on smut in Long Long Long, and I mean this story isn't really my 'way of making up for it' but definitely my smut outlet. Pretty much the number one reason why this fic is rated M other than the swearing and drug use is the smut. And from here on out let's be real it's going to have lot's of smut I'm sorry I love smut? Okay, enjoy. As OOC as you may or may not consider it enjoy it as much as Erin and I do.

**Rating:** Stressing it a lot in this chapter. Drugs n' smut.

**Disclaimer:** Don't own Degrassi or the Majestic Ventura theater. Just the two characters I snuck in there that are kind of me and my best friend but hey I couldn't help myself okay.

* * *

"If this is love, then I'm fucking proud of it. If this is love, then I'm fucking proud of it."_ **Black Panther | Crystal Castles**_

I never really knew what a rave would look like, or feel like. And the fact that I had agreed to let Eli take me to this thing was still beyond me. It was like after spending the entire day with him, I had developed this attachment to him. I had felt the same way the night before, how I hadn't wanted him to leave, though he had finished his work. So when he had invited me, I couldn't find myself able to say no.

Eli slid his hand into mine, but I didn't think much of it, and he pulled me around behind a building with the name of the city in lights written across it. The front doors were closed, but there was a long (and I mean _very _long) line from the doors to far down the street, and even more around the corner. But as Eli led me around behind the building, he flashed me this look that told me _if you take time to worry about what's going on, you'll have less fun. _He read my mind like it was a book. A Chuck Palahniuk book in his case. And in mine, possibly John Green. Either way, the subtle feeling of him holding my hand – even to drag me somewhere I was still mentally doubting – was a warm homey feeling. Like I had felt it before, though I had never held his hand before. I liked it there though. I liked the touch of it and the warmth of it. Especially since my hands were so cold.

"Where are we going?" I whispered to him, and he held up a finger to his lips as if he was shushing me without having to make the sound. There was a back door, and it was grey and it had a NO ENTRY sign listed plainly in a faded red colour. I sighed softly to myself, and Eli held the finger to his mouth again (teasing, of course but still) and laughed at me. He laughs a lot, and most of the time I can either see that it's because of me or just plain at me, but every time, for some strange reason, I can't find myself aggravated by it. As if he's laughing with me rather than laugh me, and I know I'm not actually laughing. He's got this irresistibly charming sense to him that even when he's laughing, or spitting, or smoking or anything he's attractive.

"Eli?" A soft voice whispered, opening the door slightly as a big grin appeared on his face.

"For fucks sake, Immy, could you take any longer?"

"Oh definitely. You're just lucky I didn't wait until all the fun started before I let you in." The girl paused, and took a second to look towards me. I didn't catch exactly what her name was. Something like _Immy _but I had never heard a name like that before. She narrowed her eyebrows at me, and crinkled her nose. "Whose she?"

"This is Clare Diana." Eli introduced me. "She's staying here for the summer with her father." I liked how Eli did me justice by leaving out the fact that my father was Mr. Edwards, the French teacher at Ventura High School. Whether or not 'Immy' was one of those people that hated him or not, I'd rather remain anonymous for now. "And Clare Diana, this is Imogen. She's my go-to gal for shows and shit. She works here."

"Oh." I said softly.

"Clare doesn't talk much." Eli told Imogen, as the three of us walked inside and the backdoor shut with a soft slam. "I learned that yesterday."

"Oh god, Eli, did you meet her yesterday?" Imogen completely 'face-palmed' at this point; shaking her head in her hands. For some reason there was something odd about this girl. It wasn't the way she dressed (which was odd as well, green tights, a black and purple polka-dotted skirt and a care-bears shirt. The yellow one.) I looked around the big theater like area we appeared to be in, and took notice of how it was completely empty, except for a few people working here and there – like Imogen. "You're ridiculous, you know? Fiona would _totally _not approve."

"Like I care what your rich Pierpont girlfriend thinks of me or not. I met a girl, I took her out. You're acting as if I'm going to fuck her tonight or something. Wasn't on my schedule, in case you were wondering." Eli argued with the girl. Though it was more of a short banter than an argument. I tried not to listen in, yet it was a little difficult not to. The idea of us meeting yesterday and having sex tonight was a bit unnerving, but it wasn't like I was a little virgin anymore. So if I had actually wanted to sleep with him, I'm sure I would have. Or could have. Either way if I wanted to we could. That's how I looked at it.

"You know you love Fiona." Imogen grinned, and did a little twirl. Her skirt fanned out a little bit and she skipped off into the middle of the theater. "Got'a go open up! You two have fun!" she shouted as she left. Eli turned to me then, and I bit my lip.

"Immy's a chatter box compared to you." He said, and then he looked down to our hands. He hadn't let go, and from the looks of it, he wasn't about to let go any time soon. "The show's going to start soon, so I don't know if you just want to hang out or if you want to find a good spot or whatever you want to do."

"Um," I whispered. "What kind of _show _is this exactly? You never really… you didn't explain."

"It's mostly just a lot of people enjoying themselves. I don't really know what to tell you. We listen to music, we get high, we do shit. There's not much to it. I guess you just have to experience it. And I mean you're going to, so it's going to be fun. I promise." Eli bit down on his lip, and then tugged on my hand. It brought me a little closer to him, and for a second I thought he was about to kiss me – but then he backed up, and tugged again. And for a moment I wished he had kissed me. "So do you want to try some?"

"What?" I asked, but he didn't hear me. A bass began to play, and before I knew it people were piling into the theater. Many people seemed far too excited than they needed to be, but I didn't say anything. A few people walked up to Eli and I. One of the girls had bright red hair and another with long, brunette, messy curls. That was when Eli had finally let go of my hand. He reached into his pockets, and while I expected him to pull out cigarettes like earlier today, he didn't. It was a small plastic baggie, and inside appeared to be small pills. Eli wasn't kidding about _we get high _apparently.

"Hi Eli!" The red head chirped, and Eli smiled at her, waving the bag a little. "Listen, Eli. I hate to have to do this again, but I'm totally out of cash and I was wondering if I could just get you off again?" Eli snorted and shook his head. "Please, like, let's be real here. You're like, the only trustworthy dealer around here. I don't want to get slipped something shitty or a fucking placebo again. That was _so_ uncool."

"So what you're saying is… I'm the best?" Eli smirked at the girls, placing a hand over his heart as if he was priding himself in his work. His drug dealing work. "It's cool, Becca. Just pay me back when you can. I trust you. It's Arielle over here I don't trust." Eli laughed, and for a second I thought he was joking because all three girls started to laugh. He opened up the baggie and pulled out a pill for each of them, slipping it into their hands. "Seriously though if you don't pay me back I'm probably going to send Imogen after you."

"We know you will!" Becca squealed as she grasped onto Arielle's arm and suddenly disappeared into the crowd. So it was that easy. You'd just say you'd pay the person back the next day and then it'd be over? It seemed _ridiculously_ too easy.

"That was simple." I commented.

"I'm easy on a person, that's why." Eli explained, and then took out two extra pills and slid the bag back into his pocket. The music was progressively getting louder as more and more people began to pile inside, the room becoming far more crowded than I had expected it to. "So, do you want to try some?"

"I don't understand?" I ask, and he flashed me that crooked smile that makes me feel like I'm about to throw up every time I see it. He takes my hand in his, and slips something small inside, and when I opened up my palm, I find a little red pill. It looks almost like Advil, but I know that it's not. Because there's clearly no reason why Eli Goldsworthy would be giving me an Advil.

"It's E!" He shouted over the loud music, and then there's the smile again. "I'm not going to lie to you, Clare, I think you're fantastic." There's this way that he speaks, almost as if he's on drugs, but I know he's not because he said we were going to take it together. And he told me that even after I said I wasn't about to try anything. It was like he knew I was going to give in. "And I'm not going to try to get with you like other girls, unless you want me too. Because if that's the case then I will. So just take the pill if you want, and then come have fun with me."

I swallow my own saliva, and stare up at him with nervous eyes because the idea of taking a foreign pill to put my being into hyper-drive sounds like a bad idea in and of itself. I took grade nine health class, I learned all about drugs and the effects it has on people. But Eli seemed to know what he was doing. He had handed it to me as if it was no big deal, he wasn't making me pay him for it, and he had said _take it if you want. _So what if I did want? I scrunch my face up and let out a breath. "Okay, fine!" I yelled, and Eli clapped his hands in response.

"Awesome. You ready?"

"Is this safe?"

Eli placed a hand on my arm, sending chills down my spine. "Clare, I'm going to keep you safe." He paused, and held his own little red pill in his hand, before bringing it up to his mouth. "Bottoms up." And that was it. Little red pills falling down our esophagus's and into our stomachs to be absorbed by the stomach acid and to be taken in to me. I stood there waiting for him, staring up at him as he looked back down at me with this excited look in his eyes.

"What's supposed to happen?" I asked him, and Eli shook his head at me.

"Don't ask questions, just experience."

I wanted to make some sort of comment on how Eli was being totally irrational and how considering this was my first time ever trying any form of drugs he should help me out here. He should be giving me pointers and promising that things were going to be fantastic and that this was going to be the best time of my life. But instead, he took my hand, and pulled me into the crowd. I could feel the sweat of people around me, grasping onto my sides and Eli batting them away. It was all mostly a blur but when he pulled me up close to him I felt as if I didn't have to worry about strangers in a crowd. The lights overhead were flickering repeatedly, flashing some sort of light show as all the colours around me seemed to blur together. For my first date out with Eli Goldsworthy things seemed to get quite heated.

His hands were on my waist and my back against his front, and every so often I could feel his lips kissing my hair as if to remind me that I was being watched over by some sort of fallen angel of some kind. He did feel like that. A fallen angel of many sorts. Causing a ruckus with his jerk friends one moment and the next taking care of a girl on her first trip. I glanced around at others dancing, trying to observe to see if I could do the same as them, finding that I surely couldn't be… I couldn't be attractive or sexy like any of the people around me. But I suppose instinct had gotten the better of me, and unknowingly my body was rocking against his – or his own was rocking against mine causing a rippling effect to go down my spine. Had the drug kicked in yet? I couldn't tell and I didn't know if I wanted to tell because at the moment my body felt as if I was floating on a cloud. I raised my arms into the air; I moved my hips against Eli's; I closed my eyes and let the music take everything over.

The music wasn't dance-y, per say, it was more of a deep techno, or perhaps just a bunch of sounds collaborating with each other to create a mess of music that was somehow danceable. I felt light and airy in his arms as he swayed the two of us back and forth with each other. I hummed in bliss, rolling my hips back against him. I'd never danced in a way such as this before. Only ballroom dancing with Jake at prom two nights before he had broken up with me. And the night of our first time, not to mention. And then suddenly, it hit me and it felt like some kind of pleasure wave coming over. I laughed softly, my giggles getting louder as if I could no longer control my own voice.

"Is this it?" I asked him, turning my head up and smiling with wide eyes.

"Sure, Clare Diana. This is it." I didn't understand a word he was saying, and at this point I didn't care. I let my body take control and the music move everything around me. As I raised my hands, running fingers through my curls I could feel Eli's lips kissing my neck. There was no invitation, but I didn't find myself reprimanding him about it either. It was a delicious feeling, of his soft lips kissing my skin. I could only imagine what it'd be like on my own lips. But I could find myself being content with the romanticism of kisses on the neck. I laughed again. He laughed against my skin, as if we both were hearing a joke and each of us found it utterly hilarious. But it wasn't particularly hilarity that I was laughing at. It was the feeling of my body under the influence of drugs.

My insides felt warmer. Like four or five degrees warmer. And Eli behind me, pressing his front up against my back, and his arms on my waist made it only that much more heated. I moved a lot smoother than I would have been if I was just dancing against Eli not drugged up. I'm sure if I hadn't been high I would have looked stupid dancing with him. Or maybe if he hadn't been high he would have thought I looked stupid. Either way, thanks to drugs, I was magnifying senses and looking sexy at the same time. Or at least Eli thought so, considering he muttered into my ear:

"God, you're so sexy."

I'm sure if I had been in my right mind, I wouldn't have been okay with his words. But reality didn't exist anymore. I wasn't _in_ my right mind. I was in the mind of some _sexy _goddess named Clare Diana. The one Eli had thought up in his dreams. Clare Diana. It never seemed to fit until Eli said the words. Now they seemed to stick together like glue. Who was this little Clare Edwards girl everyone seemed to know from back home? Because I was no longer her – I was Clare Diana.

Every sway of the hips and every strum of the bass caused me to slip into overdrive. I hummed in a peaceful sort of pleasure as Eli continued to suckle on my skin. It was such a content, relaxing feeling. I could get used to feeling like this. Even the pharmaceutical feeling that was ridiculously unreal. I laughed softly, and unknowingly thrust my hips back at him, earning a low grunt into my ear, and a bite onto my flesh. And I laughed at the sudden contact, and then shudders followed seconds after. It was then that he spun me around and looked into my eyes. I only caught glimpses of them, hiding under shaggy black bangs that seemed to be designed to hide those big green beauties.

"Having fun?" he asked, his tone dark.

"Loads of fun." I answered, and both of my hands linked around behind his neck. I resumed my uncontrolled dancing at this point. Every second our bodies accidentally touched each other's, I'd find myself breathing out deeply in pleasure. Or perhaps I could even justify it as a moan. Eli would grind his hips harshly into mine as the music would get more intense, and I would lick my lips, and stare at the ceiling. That's when he'd start kissing my neck again. When it would be totally available. It must have looked like I was begging for him to do it again, and mentally, I was. Often I found Eli's hands creeping their ways up and down my sides, feeling me up and making my body feel as warm as an oven. "Having fun?" I teased him, my words being a loud breath of air towards him.

"_Loads." _Eli groaned in my ear, and I felt his large hands grasping for my breasts. I shuddered in utter ecstasy. Funny – ecstasy.

His teeth nipped at my neck and it was such a magnetic feeling to me. I tilted my head back to let him have his way, and laughed hysterically at the feeling of his hands all over me. His hands slithered down from my chest to my hands and when he did, he intertwined our fingers and flashed me that stupid crooked smile.

"Come with me, Clare Diana." He told me, and I nodded in an interested sort of fashion. He began to drag me out through the crowd away from most of the people who were clearly far less drug induced than I had been. I guess I hadn't exactly taken notice that Eli Goldsworthy was drugging me and taking me away from the party. I hadn't thought of it as odd or thought of it as a soon to be rape case coming on. He told me he'd keep me safe, and I had been destined to believe it so.

I stumbled into his arms, and leaned my head against his chest as he walked us towards one of the women's bathrooms. "What are we doing here?" I stuttered, laughing as I did so. My entire body felt like a volcano about to erupt, or possibly had already erupted and was wreaking havoc on tiny little Italy. I had leaned against the wall and was grinning madly at Eli Goldsworthy who didn't seem to be as drugged up as I was. Or perhaps he had mastered the art of keeping a normal state during his highs and lows.

"Can I kiss you?" he asked. I laughed – one, because I was so incredibly high and two because it had seemed that he was kissing my neck nearly all night. All through the dancing and up until he had dragged me out of the crowd. "I mean on the mouth. I need permission for that. And I mean I know you're probably too fucked up to understand a word I'm saying but all night I've wanted to kiss you."

"Then kiss me, dummy." I laughed, leaning forward towards him and waiting for him to kiss me but there was no wet slobbery Eli Goldsworthy feeling on my mouth. Just empty loneliness. And when I opened my eyes he was just looking at me all amused and smug like. "What?"

"You're just so fucking high."

"Eli," I slurred, and I reached forward towards his coat to grab him by the collar, but my hands just messed around on his chest. "Who cares if I'm high or not I want you to kiss me."

"I want to kiss you but I'm afraid I'll get carried away and fuck you or something, I don't want to take your virginity at a rave." He told me. There was a tad bit of sincerity in his voice that came off in a sexy sort of way. I squinted my eyes, seeing double of Eli Goldsworthy – which wasn't bad, mind you – and shook my head.

"What? I'm not a virgin!" I laughed at his assumption. "Sure I've never done drugs, or drunken alcohol except for in communion, and I never, ever swear – but I'm not a virgin, Eli Goldsworthy. My step-brother's the holder of that." And that seemed to be enough for him. He didn't ask any more questions or skip to the stories because he crashed his lips against mine, and he slammed me up against the brick wall outside of the bathroom.

Eli Goldsworthy tasted like smoked cigarettes and alcohol. Mostly the cigarettes, but if you could get a good taste of his tongue like I had, you'd taste the lingering sense of booze on his mouth. Surely it must have been the drugs, but it was a… _romantic _sort of taste. And though the moment was far from romantic, considering I was not in love with Eli Goldsworthy, and nor did I find myself finding any feelings towards him other than pure physical attraction, the moment felt like pure golden love. Like maybe in a previous life – if I had even believed in such things – him and I had been soul mates and had died together on our death bed in a loving sort of way. Maybe even a romantic car crash. A romantic death, I'm sure.

We had found ourselves in the bathroom moments later, neither of us caring that Eli Goldsworthy was not allowed in a women's bathroom, or that there could have been another person right nearby in the stall adjacent from the one he had dragged me into. It was like he was reading my mind, dragging me into an empty bathroom stall, closing the door and pressing me up against it.

"God, Clare." He whispered into my ear, as his lips were no longer kissing mine anymore but they were kissing my neck instead. Just like earlier, only much more heated and far more intense than before. "Jesus Christ, do you just… not even try to be so goddamn sexy. You've never tasted a lick of drugs before, and here you are dancing on me at a rave…" he paused, and I suddenly felt his hips grinding into mine. It was the same as it had been earlier, only this time from the front instead of the back, and I could feel the hardness in his jeans brushing against me and I gasped out of instinct. Stupid instinct. Even high I couldn't control hormones. Our lips returned to each other's again – thankfully – and his hands slithered down my body. His hands lifted my legs up from the ground, and I hadn't even realized he could have been that strong. I wrapped my legs around his torso, and it took me a few moments to realize he and the bathroom stall door were holding me up at this point. And God, that was sexy. "I'm fucking my teachers daughter." He muttered to himself, but it obviously wasn't soft enough because I could hear him speaking. "Funny."

"You're so vulgar, and it's just…" I couldn't even finish my own sentence because his lips had crowded mine with his tongue, sweeping across my bottom lip. Chills were sweeping down my spine. My heart was pounding in my chest. Jake Martin had never made me feel this good before. Then again, my feelings were probably heightened by ten at this point because of the drugs. Either way, I never wanted to ever lose the feeling I was receiving at this point. Hopefully, my entire summer would now revolve around Eli Goldsworthy. Hopefully, this wouldn't just be some sort of one-night-stand.

He had big, strong hands that slithered up my body and began to grope my breasts rather harshly. I lifted my head up, staring at the spinning ceiling and could find myself giggling barbarically while Eli carnivorously enjoyed himself. He pulled off my blouse, and tossed it along the edges of the bathroom stall so we wouldn't lose our things. _Clever, _I thought. There was no more lip-on-lip contact, because he was kissing my collar bones and making nips at my skin, the feeling becoming overwhelmingly delicious.

"Fuck me, Clare Diana, you're gorgeous." He breathed. I never had taken into account how husky his voice could have sounded until this point. It was a deep, dark, rapturous tone that was absolutely to die for. If he hadn't been physically attractive, surely any girl could fall for his voice. "And your skin tastes like cinnamon. Fuck." Every time he swore – which was often, I had noticed – I could find myself drifting away to this land of a vulgar voice that was muttering dirty little things into my ears. It took him only seconds to get rid of my bra, it was clear that he was experienced at something like this. It took Jake several tries, I could remember. But Eli Goldsworthy? He must have been a master.

"_E-Eli…" _I moaned out his name. I hadn't expected anything of these sorts to happen the day before. I had never expected that I would be about to have sex with Eli Goldsworthy the day after I had met him. In fact I had never expected to have sex with anyone the day after I had met them. But it felt different. Like I had known Eli before. There was no way we had known each other ever. But like I said – a past life. Like him and I were _destined _for each other. Besides, I was no longer Clare Edwards – I was Clare Diana.

He suddenly let me fall from being held up against the door and reached desperately for the button on my jeans. And when he had gotten them unbuttoned, he pulled them down my legs as if there was some mission that needed to be completed. Like Eli Goldsworthy was looking for gold. He bent his knees slightly, kisses showering my stomach and my curves. I laughed softly, and stepped out of my jeans, my shoes coming off with them. My feet against the cold tile of the bathroom made me shudder almost as much as the feeling of Eli's hands smoothing out my curves, and hooking on the elastic of my underwear did. He got rid of those as fast as he had the jeans, and made sure that all of my clothes were hanging neatly on the door of stall.

"You're overdressed!" I squealed, and Eli rolled his eyes, grinning back at me.

"Was that some sort of order to take off my clothes, Clare Diana? You've got two hands – do it yourself." Eli told me. It sounded like more of a challenge than a command, or anything else. I reached for the ends of Eli's t-shirt that had the words _A Fever You Can't Sweat Out _written in bright red. I found myself kissing his lips before I got a chance to take off his jeans. Like a magnetic force dragging me back to his mouth. God, the taste of his mouth was undeniably rich and tasteful. But Eli soon pulled away and his lips curled into a smirk. "You're not done, you know."

I stared back at him, wide eyed. My heart was pounding in my chest as if I had just run the mile. "I'll take my time, thank you." I shot back at him.

"Fine." Eli said nonchalantly. "Take your time. I'll just look at you. Stare at you and take in your undressed appearance until you finally get around to taking off my clothes so we can get on with this. I'll dirty talk my way into you."

"Dirty talk your way?" I laughed. "Sure thing, only, it won't even get you past first base."

Eli rolled his eyes. "Look at yourself, Clare. I'm far past first base." I looked down, staring at my naked body and letting out a sharp breath. "Take all the time you want, because, you're beautiful."

"Flattery will get you just as far as your dirty talking, Goldsworthy."

"Fuck me, Clare Diana." Eli said smugly, and my eyes widened. "Get over here, and fuck me. How does that sound? Better than flattering you? It's called being straight forward, and straight forwardly I would like to fuck you." I could find myself between a mixed blush and slightly disgusted, but his words were slurring, and I nodded. I just plain nodded, and reached for the belt of his jeans. Shakily, my hands pulled it out and let it rest with the rest of our mixed up clothing. "That's the spirit, Clare Diana. That's the –" My hands brushed against the hardness that was being uncovered in his jeans, and he let out a shallow breath. "Fuck."

I found myself struggling to remove his jeans and boxers, and it was clear that Eli was amused by this. I fumbled, sliding them down his legs and as it appeared we were both undressed, I raised my eyebrows. "There. Looks like we're even."

"Yeah," Eli agreed, but then held up a hand for me to wait a moment. Eli reached into the back pocket of his jeans, and whipped out his package of cigarettes. I pinned my eyebrows together in confusion, until I noticed him shuffling around in it, until he pulled out a small golden package. "Better safe than sorry, not planning on knocking you up tonight." He joked, and unwrapped it hastily. It was then when all of the kissing, and touching, and romance began.

I smoothed my hands up his chest, and they linked around behind his neck and the two of us danced with each other in the same fashion we had maybe twenty minutes before. My eyes closed shut, but my mouth fell open and I couldn't stop myself from letting soft moans flow from my lips at the feeling of his hips grinding into my own. Eli kissed my neck, so desperately and with immense passion. I couldn't help myself, though, by sliding my hands up to the sides of Eli's face and dragging his lips up to my own. Feverous kisses were shared, as Eli's hands began to hold onto my waist, swaying us back and forth and thrusting his hips into mine as if we were doing the very act we were preparing for. Suddenly, I felt his hands quickly cup ass and I nearly jumped, a whimper flowing from my mouth. My legs began to quiver as Eli raised my body up again to rest against the door of the bathroom stall. It was coming; I could feel it, brimming on the horizon as Eli began to kiss my jawline.

"Jesus, Clare Diana."

"Jesus, Eli Goldsworthy."

Pleasure like a thousand waves washed over me as I felt Eli move into me. I gripped on tightly to his hair, and moans of absolute delight flowed from my mouth. We both moved in this rhythmic motion, back and forth. My back constantly was slamming against the door of the stall, and each time I'd be whimpering. All I knew of Eli was that his breathing was irregularly heavy, and when he looked at me, his eyes were dilated and lust filled. He'd been calling me sexy all night long, but Eli Goldsworthy – he was definitely the devastatingly sexy one.

"Oh _my God_," I moaned, raising one of my hands, as it gripped the top of the stall door. I held onto it desperately, while my other hand twisted and turned in Eli's dark black locks. He picked up the pace, moving in and out of me with exhilarating speeds and for a moment I was nearly speechless. Just a breathing girl holding on for dear life while a near stranger fucked the living daylights out of her. Our lips met again, both Eli's thrusts of his hips against mine and his lips dominated mine with such a passion this didn't even seem to feel like some form of random sex at a rave. It felt… like more than that.

"_Fuck. Shit. Fuck, fuck, fuck. Holy shit._" Eli cursed more than I could ever imagine someone, and even double that at the moment. He'd mutter a swear word against my lips, then rotate his hips against mine, and swear again. "_Damn, Clare Diana." _Eli muttered into my ear, his tone absolutely drop, dead, sexy. I even found myself moaning uncontrollably at his words. It wasn't even the words itself, just the way they were spoken. It was with such determination. My back arched off of the door and my toes curled as I could feel a climax overwhelming me. Everything felt ten times better than it ever had before with Jake. Ten times better than anything had felt ever. All thanks to the drugs. No, all thanks to _Eli. _

"Oh, Eli… Oh, my… _Eli." _

He barely let me get a word out, as if my words were some kind of poison. He shut me up with his lips, eating my mouth out with his tongue and devouring every last morsel of my own. Eli raised a hand, and at first I expected it to slam against the door of the bathroom stall, instead it grasped a handful of my curls and twirled them in between his fingers almost as how I had done to him a thousand times that night. My legs began to shake uncontrollably around his body and I wrenched my mouth away from his to cry out in pleasure.

It was then when I realized that if this was how my summer was going to be, then give it to me. Drugs and mysterious boys. Hooking up in bathroom stalls and finding myself crying out Eli Goldsworthy's name, how could I have not wanted to come here in the first place? California was better than good. California was _fucking fantastic. _

"C'mon, Clare Diana." Eli purred into my ear. Chills radiated down my spine, as he continued to move his hips in accordance to mine. "Don't act as if you're all done. You've got a little left in you." And he was right. I suppose Eli knew girls to the point where he knew if they were finished or not. I bit down hard on my bottom lip, and nodded, feeling beads of sweat dripping down my brow. Eli grunted, and his lips kissed down my neck, and left trails of bite marks everywhere he went. I didn't think about Randall taking notice of the bruises that would be all over me the next day. I didn't think about anything important anymore.

And then it really came. The thing Eli acted as if he knew I was waiting for. A rush of immense intensity and pleasure bubbling up in my core and exploding like fireworks on the fourth of July. The music in the background could be heard, and I noticed Eli moving rapidly in tune to the song. I nearly screamed, clutching onto Eli's hair as if it was my last lifeline, and suddenly collapsed in a heap in his arms. As if he was waiting for this, he caught me, effortlessly. And after a few moments of catching our breath, I opened my eyes, and looked at him. He was looking at me, curiously. He opened his mouth to speak, and then shook his head.

"One question."

"Y-Yes?" I breathed.

"You fucked your step brother?"

* * *

**A/N: **Don't hate me, Clare wasn't a virgin so I ran with it. Let me know in the reviews what you think, okay? Like seriously, if you hate it now I kind of want to know.


	4. Love and Caring

**A/N:** To be honest I'm not so sure about this chapter? I feel like it could have been better but I really wanted to get it posted tonight and I also just mostly wanted to introduce all the other characters, aka Eli's main bitches. Let's just be like oH ITS A FILLER it's probably just a filler. Let's be real though all great fanfictions have good fillers. But thank you all for the super fantastic reviews on the last chapter! Wow, I don't know why I was so worried you all loved it just like I was hoping you would! I hope I don't disappoint at all during the fic, but probably if I do then you guys will still make me all super happy about it? Wow seriously though you guys were all too sweet in your reviews, thank you all so much!

**Rating:** There's some more smuttiness in this chapter so I thought I'd let you know mhmm.

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Degrassi or any of the characters stated, just Wonderland and my brain. Enjoy!

* * *

"I'm just saying, may your face, minimize the human race. This way we can be together and make threats to switchblade lovers." _**Love and Caring || Crystal Castles**_

Waking up the next morning proved to be difficult to me. My head was still a fuzzy mess, and everything was still emphasized by ten. For a moment I wasn't sure whether the high was over yet or not, but when I sat up, and nearly felt as if I was about to vomit everywhere, I was sure it was over. I hadn't felt this way the night before. I lied back down, taking in my surroundings. I was… I was back in my bedroom? I couldn't recall getting back there. It was like it had all been erased from my memory. It never even really happened. I sat up straight, and completely bumped my head against the slanted ceiling unexpectedly. That got me back down again. I shivered, curling up underneath the blankets and for a moment I wondered why I was so cold considering it was summer. My body was itchy and scratchy and I just wanted to drink a million gallons of water. I reached over to my nightstand and grasped my phone to look at the time. I'd slept through breakfast, and honestly? Nearly lunch. It was almost one in the afternoon, and I was mentally scolding myself for my poor digression. Had… had the night before actually happened? Had I actually let myself be so stupid to try drugs with a stranger and… (Oh, God) sleep with him? I wasn't as angry with myself as I probably should have been. Maybe because I hadn't been a virgin going into it, so it wasn't like I was losing something so clearly special to me or anything. But I'd done drugs. How stupid could I be?

I suddenly noticed the little number above the messaging box, and realized I had a text message. I assumed it'd be my mother checking in, as she had the day before. But it wasn't her. It was Eli. I narrowed my eyes, squinting to try and read it because a. I hadn't given Eli my number, and b. It was intriguing, to say the least.

_Clare Diana. I presume you've awoken by now, _(the message had been sent thirteen minutes before. Probably what had woken me up in the first place) _call me when you can. It's not urgent, but just get back to me. P.S. You can drink water now, in case you were wondering.-Eli._

I sighed. Maybe I should have been excited that the guy I had slept with the night before didn't want us to be a one-night-stand, and was trying to get back to me. But for some reason, I just couldn't. I found myself wanting to roll out of bed and then roll right back in seconds later. Honestly the idea of getting out of bed just sounded like a disaster. I sat up again – precarious of my head, this time – and glanced around my new bedroom again. Everything seemed… in place. I was wearing my underwear, which for some reason I wasn't surprised, but all my clothes were folded nicely on my desk chair and my bed wasn't a crazy blanket-y mess.

Standing up didn't do me much justice. It was like all the blood had rushed to my head, and I had to stop myself from crawling back into my comforting bed. I reached into my closet, and pulled out a warm zip-up jacket I had hung up the day before and found myself nearly cuddling in it. Maybe it was my still slightly heightened senses or because I was in my underwear, but the warmth it was providing was exceptionally fantastic. I peered out the door, noticing a small note taped to the bathroom door from my father reading: _You were asleep, and I didn't want to wake you. I went to the school to take care of some things. Oreos in the pantry, I know they're your favourite. _Even after all these years he remembered things about me that I practically forgot. I let out a sharp breath and tip-toed down the stairs. I didn't want to listen to the creakiness today.

Opening up the fridge, I could find the milk, and the Oreos that were waiting for me in the pantry just like he had told me so. But I didn't want Oreos and most definitely not milk. I had been craving water all night long, and after Eli's instruction, I would finally be rewarding myself the sweet taste of water. Or the not taste of water. Either way I was still going to be drinking from it.

_ "I'm so, so, so thirsty."_

_ "I know, I know. You can drink water in the morning. You'll pass out if you drink water now."_

_ "But –"_

_ "I'm trying to look out for you, Clare Diana. You can drink all the water you want when you wake up."_

I remembered some of it now, Eli helping me up the creaky stairs to my bedroom and nearly tucking me into bed. He had kissed my forehead, and told me to sleep well, and I think I had asked for water again and Eli only smiled.

"_I'll call you tomorrow._" Eli had said, and I suppose now he was trying to reverse the roles and make me call him instead of him call me like he had intended. I didn't mind though, I more or less appreciated the fact I was able to sleep through the entire night, and not be awoken by his phone call was quite all right. So as I made myself a glass of water, and pulled out two or three Oreos from the plastic container, I pressed call and held the phone up to my ear.

"You're awake." Eli said after two or three rings. I hummed into the other line, and took a long gulp of my drink.

"Awake and thirsty, that's for sure."

"Sorry I couldn't let you drink anything last night. I wasn't going to risk anything bad happening to you."

I smiled to myself. "Nothing bad happened. I'm fine. Randall isn't home either, and I don't know when he's going to be back." I could hear Eli chuckling on the other end.

"Probably planning on spending the entire summer with me. I still don't understand why he hates me."

"He's a bitter old man. I barely even understand him myself. And I really don't want to when it comes down to it." I said honestly, and then I took another sip of my cool water. It felt so utterly refreshing going down my throat, and it was making my headache disappear by the second. I got it now – I was just dehydrated. Hopelessly dehydrated. "Last day before summer school; what are you planning on doing?" I asked, switching the phone from my left ear to my right.

"That's why I wanted you to call, actually." Eli said, and he left a pause in between as if he was waiting for my reaction. He did that constantly. As if I was supposed to react to the little flirtatious things he said, though I didn't want to react – nor did I find a real reason to react to it, either. "Let's do something today. How about I pick you up at seven?"

"Seven? That's kind of late."

"Rebellion is not for the faint of ear, Clare Diana." Eli spoke to me in a sing-song sort of voice.

"Who said I was trying to be rebellious?"

"As if it wasn't obvious." Eli laughed, and I couldn't stop myself from blushing madly. "So what do you say, could I pick you up at seven and we have a fantastic evening? Or you stay inside all night and wait for Daddy to come home and you can be bored all night. Can't you imagine? Checkers and chicken dinner? Your dad was as dull as that all school year. Besides, who knows when the next time you'll be able to spend an entire evening with me. Randall's going to keep me piled up with bullshit assignments for the semester, I can tell."

"I'll make him go easy on you. I swear." I bit my lip, and then decided to add: "I'm also pretty good in French. I could tutor you."

"You're a little too perfect, Clare Diana." Eli paused, "So, seven?"

"Seven." I repeated back to him.

"Seven."

And then I hung up, and glanced at the time. I had hours upon hours to myself before I really needed to get ready to go see him and be with him and indulge in what other fantastic things the night may have had for us, but I was still getting nervous and bubbly about everything. I was completely exhausted, but I still found myself dancing around my new house in excitement – in my underwear. Thank God Eli Goldsworthy couldn't see me like this.

When the witching hour of seven p.m. grew closer and closer, I mentally freaked as I prepared to be with him. What if we slept together again? Or got high again, or just found ourselves together alone without anyone else, to talk to each other about… whatever we wanted to. We hadn't gone much into details about ourselves and we had already slept with each other – which was a little ridiculous, but I pushed it aside. He was too handsome to say no to, honestly. So perhaps tonight we'd be able to take a journey into each other's likes and dislikes – not only just kissing. But maybe a little kissing.

I wore a dress that day, instead of jeans and a blouse. It was a pretty light blue flowery dress that showed my curves rather well. And after another freezing cold shower, I finished getting ready and was forced to wait out another hour and a half for that seven o'clock to strike. It was too long. Just too long. I'd seen Eli less than twenty-four hours before and I already missed him more than if I hadn't seen him for a week. It was official. I was becoming attached to Eli Goldsworthy.

We were connected in some weird way, now. As if I considered that drugs had connected us or bound us together in some romantic sort of way. Thinking about him gave me unwanted butterflies, or maybe even unneeded butterflies. I remember always feeling so attached to Jake, like being away from him was like being stabbed in the chest. Perhaps I was a little naïve back then but I grew out of my obsessed phase for him, especially when we became step brother and sister. I still regret giving him my virginity, even more than I regretted sleeping with Eli the night before even though I didn't regret that at all. In fact, I was totally happy about doing it. I'd never felt so good in all my life. And now, I wanted to feel like that forever. Cloud nine.

I left my father a note right back to him, being as vague as I possibly could: _went out with Eli again. I'll be back when I'm back. _I couldn't tell if I was being rude towards him, or just simply being my own person, so I ignored it. I just decided to be myself. I could hear Eli's obnoxiously loud music coming from outside my house, and I walked out to meet him. Unlike me, Eli didn't seem as seriously exhausted as I appeared to be. In fact, he seemed… fine? I didn't bother questioning him, because I knew he was far more experienced in these things than I was. Eli reached over and unlocked my side of the car door, and as I entered, he smiled.

"Hello, Clare Diana. Doing okay?"

I nodded, and smoothed out my dress against my legs. "Tired, mostly. But okay."

"Sounds great." Eli didn't miss a beat, already sparking up with something new to say. "I'm taking you to Wonderland tonight to meet some friends. I think you'll like them." Eli paused, and made a sort of thinking face. "Possibly." He finished, and started up his hearse. Eli then took a moment or two to look at me. There was this look in his eyes as if he was scanning me over to check if something was wrong. And then, as if reading my mind, he said: "There's some Advil in the glove compartment. Make sure you get the right one though. They're in a bag called –"

"Advil. Got it." I answered as I pulled a small plastic baggie out of the glove compartment with little red pills inside. They looked almost like what I had taken the night before, and now I understood why Eli was trying to make sure I took the right ones. Eli started driving again, and I started to think about meeting his friends tonight, and how they'd all be new additions to my life. Or at least I figured they'd be. If they didn't hate me. I hoped they wouldn't hate me.

"Could you do all the paddling tonight? I think I'm too humanly exhausted to do literally any work until the next century." I nearly whined, and Eli busted out a laugh.

"Oh, Clare Diana; boats aren't the only way to get to Wonderland. Yesterday was more of a let's-take-the-fun-way-to-Wonderland kind of day, rather than take the easy way out. Today is more of a don't-push-Clare-too-far-she's-nearly-hung-over kind of day." Eli drove us out a lot farther than I had expected. It wasn't near the harbor this time. Almost like we had gone completely around the harbor to get there. The opposite side. I decided not to bother thinking about it anymore, Eli was the driver, and I wasn't some backseat driver. Or some… shotgun driver. Whatever. Despite what you may think, Eli is a suburb driver. Even with blasting his outrageous music, Eli somehow stays perplexed on the road. "So," Eli began again. "How was your first high?"

"I'm a little surprised you're asking me that instead of something sadistic like _was I a good shag _or something." I replied sardonically. Eli turned and flashed me this toothy grin. He was too handsome. And telling him something like that would only inflate his ego. So I only bit down on my lip in an attempt to stop myself from grinning back at him. But it was near impossible. And when I glanced over at Eli, he was making the same uncomfortable trying-not-to-smile sort of face.

"You were, you know." He whispered, and I tilted my head, intrigued.

"Hmm?"

"You were a good shag. I mean that sounds totally pathetic and irregular of me to say but, my god, you were." Eli paused, and turned down a back street. "Enlighten me, how many times did you sleep with…oh, what was his name again?"

"Jake."

"Right, Jake. How many times did you sleep with him?"

"Twice." I answered.

"Twice?! Jesus Christ." We both stopped talking for a while. It was like I was expecting him to add more to what he had said, and like he was waiting for me to spring in with some witty comment or probably a question because that's all I ever did for him. Ask him stupid questions and him answer with some scientific sort of response mixed with ten curse words and that one laugh of his.

"You too." I whispered finally, and Eli _hmm_'d right back at me. "You were an absolutely fantastic shag, Eli Goldsworthy."

Eli tiled his head towards me and said, rather proudly: "To many more, then."

"Many more." I said back to him, and then we went quiet again.

That was most of the car ride. Subtle flirting and then absolute silence. And when we finally parked behind a few trees, and the darkness began to surround Eli's hearse, it was terribly hard to see. But I can remember Eli sliding his hand into mine as we were walking away from Morty as if to remind me that he was right beside me to keep me safe. I nudged his shoulder with my own, and he bumped me back, and it was a cute sort of feeling between the two of us.

"What if your friends don't like me?" I whispered, and Eli squeezed onto my hand.

"They will. I promise." Eli guaranteed, and I trusted him enough to believe so.

The walk to Wonderland wasn't far. Five or so minutes of pushing past trees and bushes, and holding onto Eli's hand. There was a fire going in the middle of the wooden stump circle, and when Eli cleared his throat, everyone turned to look at us. There were two boys I had seen before, when they had egged my house. So, Fitz and Adam, I had recalled. One girl smiled, and the other raised her eyebrows, and then one of the boys opened his mouth and said:

"Is that her?"

Some stranger asking a strange question about me seemed to make my heart flutter. Eli had told his friends about me. Maybe it wasn't as extravagant as I was making out in my head, but still. That made me special, didn't it?

"Yeah. This is her. Clare Diana, this is everyone. Everyone, this is Clare Diana." Eli introduced me, earning one or two waves from the group.

"Is it legitimately Clare Diana or does Eli just call you that?" The girl with black hair down to her shoulders asked me.

"Well, it's just Clare." I answered.

"Hey, _Just Clare_." The whole group answered. Eli and I walked up, our hands still glued together. Neither Eli nor I had the courage to let go. Or at least, Eli just didn't want to, and I felt extremely safe there. We sat down on the log. I considered it to be our log, for some reason. I could take notice of everyone, now, even if it was nearly dark and I could only see past firelight. There was a girl with long curly hair, and dressed as if she was about to go to a club. There was a youngish looking boy with a grey beanie. There was a black haired girl, who had bangs to hide her eyes. Then last, there was a boy with a freckled face, smoking a joint and staring at me with these particularly terrifying grey eyes. And when Eli introduced everyone, I took mental notes of everyone's names. Katie; Bianca; Adam; Fitz.

"You got the shit, Bee?" Eli asked, and Bianca nodded. I was beginning to get uninvolved when I figured that we'd be getting high again. Sure the feeling was like no other, but I was still trying to get over the previous night's high. But when Bianca pulled out three bottles of white fluid, I bit my lip. There was a big difference between getting drunk and getting high.

"Look at Just Clare's face." Adam pointed toward me, and my cheeks turned deep red. "Someone's nervous."

"She's never tasted alcohol before, that's all." Eli shrugged, and I suddenly felt his hand slide out of mine. I missed it already. "I don't know if she's going to drink, but whatever."

"I can't believe you brought a random to Wonderland." Katie spat.

"You act as if he never brings random girls." Fitz grumbled, then threw his joint into a small bowl on the ground. "Besides, you're complaining like this place is all yours. You nearly got us caught three times. You're stupid pill issue."

"God, Fitz, could you be any more uninviting?" Eli snapped, and then reached for a bottle from Bianca. It took him several moments to completely open the bottle, but when he had, he took one long, gracious sip from the bottle, and then passed it along to Bianca. It took barely minutes for the bottle to come around to me. Everyone was staring. Wondering. Waiting. Watching to see if I'd do it. "You don't have to." Eli mumbled, keeping his voice low so only I could hear him. "But no matter what happens I'll get you home safe and sound."

There was something overly comfortable about the way Eli promised to keep me safe. He had done as he promised the night before, so I felt enticed to believe him. So I brought the bottle to my lips, and swallowed as much of the horrendously bitter tasting liquid as I possibly could. I could hear the group faintly cheering as I handed the bottle back to Eli. It must have been my imagination. It _must _have. I was already getting dizzy looking at everyone.

"What _is _that?" I asked, coughing at the burning feeling in my mouth.

"Skyy, man. It's so fucking ridiculously amazing." Bianca squealed, grabbing the bottle from Eli and drinking from it a second time.

"It doesn't taste very good." I noted.

"Clearly." Katie scoffed. "It's not the alcohol that tastes good. It's the feelings you get that makes it. You are _so _new." She took the bottle from Bianca and drank hastily.

"It's an acquired taste." Adam added, taking his turn.

"The trick is to drink more at one time, and then you don't have to taste it as much." Fitz took his swig, and looked at the near empty bottle, and finished off the rest of it rather quickly.

"New bottle, Bee. Start with Clare Diana." Eli commented, and Bianca quickly obeyed. Eli stood to his feet. "Be right back. Gonna go get some blankets from Morty." And then he took off into the darkness. For a moment I wished I had gone with him, but then the bottle was in my hands.

"Shouldn't we wait for Eli?" I asked.

"Nah." Adam shrugged. "He can have two turns when he gets back." So I drank. And I proved to be a light weight when it came down to it. Eli returned with blankets, and spread them out. And by that time, I was on my third drink.

"Sweet, is it my turn?" Eli asked, and I lazily passed him the bottle. Bianca proceeded to tell him that he got two sips, and that I – clearly – was already 'white girl wasted' after three drinks. It was true, though. Eli smiled at me, like I was beautiful to him or something. Just this glistening happiness in his eyes like he had found someone to hang out around, and spend time with. I couldn't completely figure it out. But I closed my eyes, and leaned my head on his right shoulder.

By my fifth or maybe even sixth drink, it was hard to process things. My head hurt, and my stomach was all nauseous and I didn't understand why everyone else was grinning and enjoying themselves and _I _wasn't. Eli took my hand in his, and flashed me his crooked smile.

"C'mon, Clare Diana."

He pulled me up off of the log, and my legs were undeniably wobbly. He led me t where he had spread out a blanket, and we sat down. It was like, private – but completely not private at the exact same time.

"Do you like the stars?" he asked, and I nodded.

"_My thoughts are stars I cannot fathom into constellations." _I quoted john Green, and Eli muttered in return:

"I do not understand that reference."

I disregarded all forms of conversation at this point, and leaned in towards him and I shut my eyes. I already missed his lips. The cigarette flavoured, alcohol tasting lips. "Do you understand this reference?" I purred, and I waited, moving closer – and then more waiting. Then we're kissing. Hopelessly kissing. It's just as majestic as the night prior, if not more. We fell back against the blankets, and I could hear the leaves crackling underneath our backs. I couldn't tell anymore, whether it was because Eli and I repeatedly had our romantic situations under the influence, or because Eli just gave me butterflies all together, but I found myself sighing into his kisses.

It was like a magnet bringing me back to him. Every single time we would pull away and gasp for air, I'd grab back onto him or he'd grab back onto me and we'd be pulled back in for more. Both of us tasted solely of alcohol but I didn't care one bit. I slid my leg in between Eli's, and my hands tangled in his black hair. Eli slid his hand down from cupping my cheek, down my neck, and then all around my body. He placed his hand on my waist, and desperately pulled to get me closer to him. I moaned into his kisses, causing the grip on my waist to be harsher, and more dominant. _Oh_, it was devastatingly perfect.

"You smell so good." Eli purred, and I blushed slightly, my hands sliding down from his hair and cupping his cheeks with my hands.

"You taste so good." I responded, and Eli went right back to kissing my lips so feverishly that I couldn't help but whimper in absolute delight. He began to grind his hips into my own, causing me to tear my lips from his and gasp at the feeling of the friction we caused.

"Fuck. Kissing you is amazing." Eli spoke into my ear, as his lips trailed down my jawline and kissed my neck just as aggressively as he had been my mouth. I longed to come up with a witty remark about how everything about him appeared to be amazing but I fell short. I could barely speak, my whole body shaking under the pleasure in his control. I gasped as his teeth sunk into my neck and shudders ran down my spine. It was subtle, but I could feel Eli's hands sliding farther and farther down my body and slithering up the bottom of my dress. I tilted my head up to the sky, looking at the stars as they all seemed to blend together into one bright mess. Eli took advantage of the open space I left for his mouth all over my neck.

My breath hitched suddenly as Eli's fingers began to dance against my inner thigh. And as surprising as his fingers touching my skin felt, it was ten times more as he gripped onto the elastic of my underwear and tugged on them. I bit down on my bottom lip, and tried to keep my heavy breathing to myself, though Eli's was far louder than mine. The way his hot breath felt against my skin was phenomenal. I was trying to quietly contain myself rather than let all hell break loose within myself, though everything about me felt perfect right now. I could understand why Bianca thought drinking was so good. Why Eli brought me here tonight. Why I had let myself drink – it was to feel this sort of rush.

"_Eli_…" I moaned, as his undeniably cold hands began to touch me. The warm clashed with the cold, and I gasped instinctively. He was so gentle, the way his fingers moved in small circles against me and every once and a while would dip inside and move faster and faster. I don't think he had any realization of how fantastic he was making me feel, because every second he'd touch me, my legs would quiver in pleasure and my breath would become highly irregular. Jake had touched me like this in the past, but never like this. He'd do it as if he was afraid to hurt me, but Eli acted as if there was nothing in the entire world to fear. And God, he was so sexy. His fingers worked magic, the friction being almost ten times better than the way his hips would move against mine. And for a moment – he paused. Like he always did, like when he waited for reactions from me but I wouldn't give one. But now was different. Now I couldn't help myself. "P-Please don't stop." I whimpered. "You make me feel… _unreal_."

"You like this, then?" Eli murmured huskily into my ear.

"_Yes._" I agreed, and he moved again. Fingers moving faster and pushing in and out of me in the same fashion he had the night before. He was so perfect. He was euphoric, or made me feel euphoric. I couldn't silence myself, moaning out his name in utter ecstasy. Neither of us bothered to care about the group of Eli's friends laughing their heads off over who knows what. We were taking care of ourselves in ways I would have never imagined. I bit down harshly on my bottom lip, almost nervous that I'd bleed if it came down to it. Bleed out of Eli Goldsworthy's perfection. I was sure that if I had come in contact with a flaw of Eli's, I wouldn't even mind because all of the good things would cross out the bad things.

I was close. I held onto the fabric of his t-shirt desperately, my legs shaking under his touch and my mouth gasping for air. I was mentally thanking myself repeatedly for wearing a dress this evening instead of jeans and a blouse, because if I had – I doubted any of this would have been happening. Then again, I was still surprised it was happening all together, choice of clothing or not.

Eli brought his lips to my mouth again, silencing any and all forms of moans or whimpers from leaving my mouth. And it was hard to control myself under Eli's spell. I was going to miss him, if my father kept him under guard to do his work all summer long. I'm sure I'd be able to sneak him out of studies or 'tutor' him like I had suggested, but hooking up in the woodsy area of Ventura, completely intoxicated was just more than I could mentally handle. It was impeccably sexy.

My back arched against Eli's chest as I finally found myself climaxing under his ways. Two nights in a row, all thanks to Eli Goldsworthy. And even after my orgasm, and after the tingling feeling between my thighs started to fade slowly, I continued to kiss Eli like none of this had gone on. But Eli slowed things down after this; his more aggressive kisses began to be slow and intimate. As if things were going to end soon, which I was mentally begging that they wouldn't. Eli stopped, slowly moving away from me, and just staring into my eyes. I was still a shaky mess, and Eli could tell. He licked his bottom lip, and blew hot air on my face.

"You're too good to be true, I think." Eli said quietly, and I tilted my head to the side. I felt him sitting up, pulling me with him as he did so, and I crawled onto his criss-crossed legs and straddled my legs around his waist. It was strange though; I didn't feel the same hardness in his jeans as I had before. I leaned in lazily, trying to kiss his lips, only he shook his head and flashed me a lopsided smirk. "You're cute when you're drunk." Eli told me.

"You're cute always." I slurred. I raised my hand and let it fall on Eli's neck.

"Don't call me cute ever again." Eli teased, and I clicked my tongue.

"You're cute."

"You're cute_r_."

"You're the cute_st_."

Eli shook his head and laughed a little. "That wasn't fair."

"Kiss me again." I whined, and Eli laughed a second time. I couldn't tell exactly why he was withholding himself from me, and in fact I was getting rather pouty about it as well. I grasped onto the rim of his shirt and tried desperately to pull him in close to me so we could be kissing once again.

"I'll kiss you all summer, I promise." Eli said back to me, but I shook my head.

"No, kiss me now."

Eli smirked at me, "You sure? I mean, we fucked last night – I don't want to get carried away again, I –"

"No," I interrupted, drunkenly pleading with him to not stop kissing me or touching me or making shockwaves of pleasure course through me. "Let's get carried away. Let's have sex again. Please, Eli – _Pleeeeease_." It hadn't really hit my brain waves considering I was so intoxicated that I was probably being overly pushy and annoying, but the idea of us sleeping together one last time before his summer school would start up again caused me to giggle like a schoolgirl.

"Hmm," Eli tilted his head to the side, clearly amused by me. "Someone sure wants me."

"I want you _so _badly." I purred, and then we kissed again. We kissed and kissed and kissed until all ideas of sleeping together clouded up our minds until Eli was making me scream out his name repeatedly until both of us were terribly exhausted. I couldn't tell – I _can't_, tell – which night was more magnificent. The first or the second. Or maybe even the third or fourth or fifth or sixth. I don't even know how many times we've been with each other because I lost count after eight or nine. But all I knew was I never got tired of it.

All I know, is that Eli Goldsworthy was by far the best and worst thing that had ever happened to me.


	5. Birds

**A/N**: I was hoping to post this on Wednesday because I had some cute streak going on when I'd update every Wednesday and Sunday but then I changed my mind because I wanted to watch Doctor Who all week WHICH WAS A GREAT DECISION and then I basically wrote this entire chapter today and I'm emotionally drained I think this chapter sucks but they like each other and it's cute and gay and drug selling and this chapters kind of good and kind of cheesy as hell and then I made like 900 gifs last night instead of writing when I should have so excuse me if this chapters really bad? That was the biggest run on sentence ever wasn't it. Okay this chapters dedicated to the ninth doctor because I'm sure if he read this he would say something like... "FANTASTIC!" Also to Arielle because she says it's fantastic and she's killing the fantastic joke.

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Degrassi or The Clash but I do own Fiona Coyne's made up mansion and her hammock.

* * *

"Obedient and shy, with button nose and eyes. Recoil at his prayer; I'm biased to be fair." **_Birds | Crystal Castles_**

I slept in the next day,even later than I had that Sunday. I felt ten times worse than I had, too. And this time, instead of thinking I was about to puke – I did. I had rushed to the toilet and threw up all that I possibly could throw up. So, the beginning part of drinking wasn't fun, and the ending was surely Hell – but the middle with all the good feelings and endless possibilities made it all worth it? It didn't make much sense, but it got Eli Goldsworthy and me together. We caused quite a ruckus that night, and I remember Eli making sure he was completely sober before he even dared to try and drive us home. I remember him tucking me into bed again, and telling me to keep quiet so I wouldn't wake my father. How had I struck such gold with Eli Goldsworthy? He was caring, yet witty and adventurous and rebellious and charming and everything about him seemed to scream greatness. I hoped nothing bad would ever happen to him, so he could be known one day. Not just the guy that gave teenage girls thrills and chills, but that he'd become someone important, or did something important. He deserved to be known, or at least, I thought so.

When I had picked up my phone, I expected to have a text message from him telling me to call him like he had the day before – but there wasn't one. I didn't yet assume the fact that he'd be at school with my father, being bored to death by his French lectures. Eli knew what was going on – Eli knew French. It wasn't just that he tried to show off the first day I met him, there was just something about him that emphasized the fact that he may have done stupid things – but he was far from stupid. In fact, he was probably a genius. But anyway, I took another cold shower – and for once, a cold shower during a hangover was one of the best things I could have thought of. The cold water made my pounding head calm itself down, and it just genuinely felt like life was getting easier.

Even my hair up in a towel made my headache simmer. I knew that this horrendous feeling would probably be lasting the entire day, but I also knew that I could tough it out. I wasn't just going to hide away in my bedroom until it left (which probably wouldn't happen, but still), I was going to seize the day and make it mine… after several glasses of water. It was just like after my first high, the water cured everything. Of course it wasn't completely cured, but it helped, at least. I cringed as the light from my front window poured into the living room causing my eyes to burn at the terrible brightness. How was drinking even remotely acceptable when there were such awful after-feelings?

My phone started ringing after that, and while I expected it to be my father, it wasn't. It was Eli Goldsworthy. And, I will not lie when I say that when I saw his name light up on my phone, I squealed a little bit. Being around him was like being on drugs when we hadn't even taken any yet.

"Hello, beautiful." His voice spoke huskily into the phone.

"_Désolé, je seulement parler Français_." I teased, and Eli groaned on the other end.

"_Bonjour, belle_."Eli said again, and I couldn't stop myself from giggling. "Enough with the French, though. I had to deal with your dad for four hours and I think if I hear another French word, I'll kill myself."

"And that's five days a week for an entire summer, sounds like fun!" I laughed softly to myself, and it seemed to be contagious as I heard Eli chuckling a little bit. "Come over, we can study a bit if you want. Or kiss or something."

"Tempting, but I actually have something else in mind." Eli paused momentarily, and then I heard him mumble something to someone else, as if giving them a piece of information. All I caught on was _yeah, I'm inviting Clare Diana. _"Anyway, the fantastic four and I are going to a party tonight. Down?"

"A party?" I mumbled, and swallowed slightly. "I won't know anyone."

"You'll know me. And the fantastic four. Besides, I'm not going to leave you alone at a party. You're the girl I want to be seen with." Eli did his usual casual pause, and then started speaking again. I hated when he did that, for some reason. I just hated it. I didn't want to wait to hear him speak; I wanted to hear it right then and there. I always wanted to listen to him talk. "I have to do some selling today, but then I could pick you up and take you to the party if you want to come."

"What am I supposed to do while you're out selling?" I asked.

"I dunno. Make yourself look good, even though it's not difficult for you. You could come with me if you want, but I don't think you'd have a good time. It's like, giving sketchy as fuck people things to make them even sketchier as fuck. You'd be like, clinging to me the entire time. Which, wouldn't be that bad, come to think of it."

I rolled my eyes, changing my phone to speaker phone and letting it rest down against the kitchen table. Even though he wasn't physically in the room with me, the sound of his voice made my heart flutter. "You're always going to be selling. You might as well just drag me with you this time, you know?"

"Are you sure?" Eli asked, his voice was getting static-y as he spoke. "I'm getting in the hearse, so if you're actually up for this I'll be there in ten or fifteen minutes. Okay?"

"Okay."

He hung up then, without saying another word and leaving it just with a simple okay. After drinking a gallon of water and my shower I still couldn't shake the disturbing feeling my body was overwhelmed with. I was mentally praying that this party Eli was taking me to we wouldn't be getting wasted. Even if we were going to be… sleeping with each other again, I wondered what the feeling of doing it without being intoxicated would be like. I'd known with Jake, but never with someone like Eli Goldsworthy. Someone who didn't have any boundaries or actual feelings towards me other than pure physical attraction. The idea was fascinating, though I didn't want to ask Eli if we could. I was afraid of his rejection, for some reason.

Eli wasn't lying, and he got here twelve minutes after his phone call. When I got in his hearse, I went straight for the Advil bag, throwing two into my mouth and swallowing it with a gulp of coca-cola that Eli had lying around in the cup holders. He told me that he didn't know how long he had it sitting there, and I replied with an _I can tell _and a coughing spree that lasted two or three minutes.

"First customer: Owen Milligan."

Eli took the two of us to the 'rich part' of Pierpont, and pointed out along the way the house that the party that night would be held at. It looked almost three or four stories, and I couldn't believe that houses could really be that tall – except for celebrities and people that thought they were going to be celebrities one day. Eli told me all about how selling drugs was easy, as long as you got your money, and paid people back. He told me about how the drug business was hard to get into but, once you were in – you were in, and it was nearly impossible to get out of.

"I buy from one guy, and he gets it from his supplier. I don't care what the guys do after I sell it to them; I just want my money so I can pay back my guy." Eli tried to explain, but I shook my head.

"But what if the guy you buy from gives you… not what you want?"

"He doesn't." Eli answered, pulling up to a big fancy-shmancy house, and turning his back from me to reach into the back of his hearse. "He just doesn't." Eli grunted, and sat back up with a small bag full of green plants. It was clearly marijuana, and though I was secretly disgusted about it, I tried to act casual. "Okay, c'mon, Clare Diana. First sale of the day." Eli got out of his hearse and stuffed the bag of marijuana into his back pocket. We didn't even have to knock on the front door, because by the time we had reached the front door, a tall, muscular boy with dark hair and bushy like eyebrows quickly walked out of the front door and came towards us.

"Finally. I fuckin' smoked my last joint last night and I was nearly going insane."

"Milligan just has to have his hallucinogens, huh?" Eli turned to me, and smirked. "Thirty five dollars." Eli demanded, and Owen shuffled around in his pockets for his cash. Owen looked like a jock-ish type, and I was surprised that Eli would be selling to a guy like him. It was completely different in Canada. The jocks were the clean kids, and the goths were the ones that did lots of outrageous things. It was like California did things backwards. And secretly, I liked it that way.

"All seven grams?"

"All seven grams."

"And it's not oregano?"

"What the fuck," Eli snarled, and then suddenly he spat on the ground. "How many fucking times have I sold to you? How many times has it been fucking oregano?"

"Well, never but –"

"Idiot." Eli grumbled, and the two of them exchanged their money and materials and then Eli and I were off again. One sale down, and apparently, eight or nine to go. It went down simply, which was crazy to me. For some reason I had been imagining that these would be a bunch of shady back door deals that would turn into fights or something out of _The Outsiders_. Then again I wasn't part of a gang. And I wasn't planning on being part of a gang, even if Eli asked me to be. Eli didn't even seem like he was part of a gang. All of those gang thoughts that were just crazy were making me go insane.

Eli's next two or three stops weren't things for me to get overly excited about. We went to an open park, with a big tree in the middle and Eli leaned against it and the customers came right to him. Eli told me that his favourite drummer had pissed on the tree that we had visited and I told him that that was disgusting. Eli told me a lot about Ventura on our little selling spree, but not much about himself. I wondered about him. I thought about how I wished I could know more and more about his Pierpont house and the friends he hung out with and the reasons why he sold drugs, but Eli didn't open his mouth. The only time he opened his mouth was to point out about how someone he knew had died somewhere nearby or that the owner of the house he was pointing at threw really awesome parties.

And I knew I really just had to wait to find out about him, and that if I pushed I'd become annoying and Eli wouldn't want to hang around me at all, but I couldn't help myself. While we drove around, I'd look around his hearse for clues but there was nothing. And when I got the chance, I'd ask stupid questions like _were you born here? _And Eli would nod and say something like _yeah, good old California brought me up this way. _I didn't understand that either, but I longed to. I supposed I'd have to stay content knowing what I did know about him: drugs, sex, and cigarettes.

Eli smoked too much, I noticed. Our entire day of selling he had smoked nearly an entire pack of cigarettes and for some reason it worried me. Sure he had assured me that cigarettes wouldn't be killing him but I couldn't help myself there either. Every time he'd open up his pack to pull out another one, he'd tilt the box towards me as if offering one to me and I'd shake my head and tell him _no thank you. _It was almost as if he was waiting for me to give into his peer pressure and take one. He'd done it with the ecstasy. He'd done it with the alcohol. Our entire three day 'relationship', or whatever you'd like to call it, was based upon Eli peer pressuring me into doing things I would have previously scolded myself for doing. And I gave in. And I wasn't regretting it. I _should_ have been regretting it. Why wasn't I regretting it?

"Okay, this is our last sale and then we can head to the party." Eli said, and parked the car in front of a house almost directly across from the little paddle boat shop that Eli and I had visited two days before. He put his hands together, and cracked his knuckles. "You've been watching me all day; do you wanna take this one?" he offered, and I quickly shook my head.

"I'm not good with strangers." I replied, and Eli shrugged his shoulders.

"Suit yourself. You're pretty good with me."

I replayed that comment in my head over and over again as we walked up towards the house and rang the doorbell. I watched Eli while we waited, my eyes fixated on the shape of his face, and how his dark, shaggy black hair hid most of his face underneath its locks. Eli must have noticed me staring, because he turned towards me, and shot me this look that had a meaning I couldn't recognize. He didn't say his _take a picture _line he had said when I previously had caught myself staring at him, but he just looked at me as if it was fine this time. That me staring was a good thing.

"Thanks, Eli." A voice grumbled, and I turned my head to look before the door was closed. There was a tall, thin and shirtless man standing in the doorway in only his boxers. He looked vaguely familiar for some reason, too. The door was halfway closing, before he stopped, and opened the door again. "Who's your friend?" he asked, his sandy coloured blonde hair was an absolute mess.

"Clare Diana. She's staying here for the summer." Eli answered.

"Cool. She's pretty cu–"

"Yeah, I know." Eli interrupted, and turned around, grabbing me by the arm and dragging me back to the hearse without another word. I glanced over my shoulder, to get one last look at the man. Who was he? And why did he seem like I had known him? "You don't want to talk to him." Eli whispered to me as he opened up the door for me. I slid inside to my side of the hearse, and Eli continued talking. "He's a meth addict and he's _so_ fucking stupid. It's one thing to do drugs for fun, and it's another to be totally addicted to it. I don't want you to turn into _that._"

"Let me get this straight," I laughed, and buckled up my seat belt. "I can do ridiculous things with you, but nobody else?"

Eli's mouth turned into his crooked smile, and he shrugged. "If you're going to look at it that way, then sure."

"He looked familiar," I mumbled, "What's his name?"

"Peter Stone." Eli said casually, starting to drive the hearse. I snapped my fingers.

"Are you serious? I knew he looked familiar!"

"What, you know him?"

"Yeah!" I laughed. "He dated my sister before she moved off to Africa. I can't believe he lives _here _of all places."

"You have a sister in Africa?"

"Wait until I tell Randall, that's absolutely ridiculous. Like, really!"

Eli snorted, and looked at me for a moment. "Clare, your dad knows Peter. He hasn't exactly graduated high school yet. I told you – he's stupid as shit." I furrowed my eyebrows, and shook my head. I remembered Peter Stone. I remembered he had college plans, and then Darcy moved away, and then he moved away… and that was the last time I had ever seen or heard from Peter Stone ever again. And now knowing he was a meth addict in Southern California made my stomach a little bit queasy. If bad things could happen to good kids like him, what on earth would happen to me in a place like this? "So, miss I've-never-been-to-a-party, are you excited?"

"Sure. But I don't know what I'm supposed to expect. Are we…?"

"Are we what, Clare Diana?"

"Are we going to drink and do drugs and stuff?" I asked, and Eli shrugged his shoulders.

"If you want. But there _are _other things to do at parties than to drink and do drugs and _stuff._" Eli smirked at me, causing my insides to feel like a hurricane. Eli drove into Pierpont, his music blasting as usual, and me sitting there taking it _as usual. _Eli parked his hearse randomly, though, and coughed lightly. The house we had pulled up to didn't look like the rich girls house Eli had pointed out earlier that afternoon, but more of a dark, shady sort of place. He unbuckled his seat belt, and ran a hand through his hair. "One second. I need to take care of something."

"Where are we?" I asked.

"Uh," Eli paused, and his voice was shaky for a second. Kind of like he was hiding something, but yet almost as if I was crossing the invisible non-talked-about boundary of asking about his personal life. The one I was still oblivious too. "I live here. But I have to run in and take care of something."

"Could I come inside?"

Eli scowled, and got out of his hearse without another word. Clearly, I hadn't said something appropriate. While he was walking into his house, I took the liberty to look outside of the window and take in the appearance of his house. It didn't look as mysterious as Eli acted. It barely even looked mysterious at all. It was just a worn down old house that you might see in a movie or something like it. It didn't seem haunted, or even that it would have terrible memories lying beneath the surface. Just an old house. Maybe Canada was filled with old houses, so seeing one like this didn't come off as strange to me.

It was a one-story house. Burgundy roof. White trim. It had bushes lining the front, and the paint was peeling a little bit. The front window was covered by curtains, and there wasn't even a porch. Just a concrete path leading to the front door. When Eli began to return, I quickly turned away and looked at the road in front of the car. He grumbled, and started up his hearse again without speaking. I messed with my hands in my lap, wondering if I should have said sorry for asking something I guess I wasn't supposed to ask. But my mouth was dry, and not even however old coca-cola was going to help me in this situation. So silence rested over us in his car, and I guess that was too much for Eli, because he quickly turned up his music and sang along. I recognized it this time, the music he was playing. It was _The Clash. _And as much as I may have despised that band, I knew it.

"_I wasn't born so much as I fell out, nobody seemed to notice me. We had a hedge back home in the suburbs; over which I never could see_." I sang along with the music. I started out quietly, nervously at first, but as Eli noticed I was also singing – my tone grew louder and soon enough both of us were belting the lyrics throughout the hearse. I never knew a band my mother and I had grown up hating could have so much impact right now. As the song slowly came to an end, Eli turned the music down to a talkable volume, and tried to subdue a smile.

"Fuck, Clare Diana." Eli suppressed a laugh, and turned to take a moment to glance at me – then back at the road. "Excuse me poor choice of vocabulary, but you've left me speechless. You're _really_ fucking hot." He stressed his words, and his tone was undeniably husky, almost as if he was contemplating pulling the hearse over right then and there and proposing that the two of us hook up in the back of the car immediately. But he didn't. He continued on driving without saying another word, but grinning the whole way there.

When we got to the party, it was in full swing, and it was barely seven-thirty. It surprised me how the party could get going so early, when it was still light out. Eli made sure I knew that this house belonged to the 'fabulous Fiona Coyne,' Imogen Moreno's girlfriend. He explained to me that Fiona Coyne's mother owned a substantial amount of businesses in Ventura, and was almost never around, leaving Fiona the ability to host parties every other weekend. Eli walked inside without asking, and it made sense considering the door was left wide open for anyone to come in.

The inside of Fiona Coyne's mansion was even larger on the inside than it appeared on the outside. From first glance, it was like the place was a marble palace with staircases everywhere and grand chandeliers hanging from every open place of ceiling. It reminded me of the palace in _The Princess Diaries. _I never knew someone could actually be _this _rich. Have enough money to create a house that was not only appealing to the eye, but the touch and the senses. It smelled like teenagers and marijuana and alcohol now, but I could just imagine that if there wasn't a party going on right now, the house would smell like roses.

Eli took my hand, and pulled me past a kitchen, snagging a bottle of wine on the way out. He whispered to me that Fiona's house was filled with wine, and that under wraps she was addicted to the stuff. He warned me not to be like her either. And then he almost begged me to never like girls because he wanted to kiss me all the time instead of having to watch me kiss Fiona Coyne do it – or something, which led me to the suspicion that he had dated Imogen Moreno in the past. He dragged me to the backyard, which – not surprisingly – had a pool the size of the entire United States, filled to the brim with teenagers splashing each other. There was a more secluded area off to the side, though. It had trees, and Christmas lights and I was starting to wonder if maybe I was still asleep, dreaming through a hangover of some perfect house where Eli Goldsworthy and I would be sleeping together again and I was nearly sure that it was. I was probably just having some sort of wet dream.

"Do you like red wine?" Eli asked, and before I could open my mouth – he answered his own question. "Sorry, I'm an idiot."

"You aren't an idiot." I whispered. Eli guided my hand to behind some bushes, to where the Christmas lights laid, and underneath them was a hammock with pillows. Everything looked too good to be true. It had to be a dream. This had to be a movie. This all couldn't be real life. "Do you take all the girls you hook up with here?" I teased, and Eli chuckled softly. He placed the bottle of wine on a small table beside the hammock and told me to sit with him. There was an almost skylight above the hammock, an opening to the sky from the trees, and I expected there to be stars but Eli made sure to tell me not to get my hopes up. There weren't stars in Southern California. Especially not in Ventura.

"I do." Eli said, after a few minutes of silence. "I do take all the girls I hook up with here." He admitted, and I only rolled my eyes. Even though I was teasing before, I wasn't surprised that this was true. "It's a good place. It's a place not to get drunk or to get high it's just a good place."

"Wonderland isn't a good place, then." I responded, and Eli hummed in response.

"Wonderland is an entirely different kind of good. You'll understand one day, Clare Diana." Eli was quiet after that. It wasn't one of his ridiculous pauses or the silence he gave me when he was upset. It was just silence. I felt out hands getting sweaty, and I wondered why neither of us had let go yet. I could hear him breathing. His breathing was irregular, and it wasn't because he was turned on or because we were hooking up or anything of those sorts. Like it was naturally irregular. I guessed, cigarettes did that to him. That damned obsession with cigarettes. "You're an entirely different kind of good." Eli said finally. "I hate being honest."

"Do you lie a lot?" I asked softly, and Eli nodded.

"Often. I have never lied to you, though." I turned my head to look at him, watching as he stared up at the sky turning into a sunset. "I have lied to every person I've ever dated, fucked, fucked _over, _and possibly everyone I've ever met. But for some reason not you."

"Why not? _Impulsive impulses_?" I teased, and Eli growled.

"Shut up. I'm being serious." I shut my mouth. "I'm sorry for being an ass to you, earlier. I just don't let people inside." There was more to that than I knew at the time. More to the inside than I expected. I should have realized that he didn't only mean he didn't let people in his house, but it was also alluding to _him_. He just didn't let people in. He had locked his heart with a golden key and he just didn't… let people inside. "You make me be honest, and I hate it. No," Eli shook his head, and I could feel his hair brushing against my forehead. "You don't make me do anything. You just cause me to want to be honest, and I hate it. God, I fucking hate it. I've lied to everyone I've ever anything'd with and you're some stupid exception. I want to say I hate you, but I'm sure in a couple months I'll be the one saying that I love you or something."

I shifted myself a bit, letting go of his hand and placing it on his chest. "Would it be a lie?"

"No." Eli grumbled. "It wouldn't be a lie. You're different. Remarkably different and I hate it, yet I fucking love it at the same time. You're not like all the girls I hang out with. You're quiet and you do things I didn't think you'd do and you surprise me but I try to keep my surprise hidden."

"You do." I whispered, but it was as if Eli had ignored me, because he started right back up again.

"Do you want to know how many people I've hooked up with?" he asked.

"Not reall–"

"Sixteen." Eli said casually, and then he took in a sharp breath. "Wait, never mind. You make seventeen."

I sat up slightly, keeping my grip on Eli's shirt so that I wouldn't send the two of us toppling over in the hammock. "You've had sex with seventeen girls? Eli – that's disgusting, what if you get an STI or something? What if you gave _me _an STI or something!?"

"Cool it, buttercup." Eli's voice was smooth as he rolled his eyes. "First off, we used a condom. And second off, I didn't say girls I said people." My eyes widened a bit, and I shook my head at him.

"You had sex with a guy?" I choked on the words for a moment, pausing as Eli usually would. I was waiting for an answer from him but he didn't say anything. We both played that card. "I'm not judging you or anything but oh, my God. I am so freaked out right now."

"Calm down, Clare Diana." Eli tried to cool me off, but it was hard to comprehend what was happening at the moment. I had slept with Eli. Eli had slept with a boy and so somehow that was hard for my brain to respond to. "We didn't fuck, Jesus Christ. Fitz and I were drunk as shit one night and we both blacked out. Bianca's the one that told us so she might have even been lying. I didn't realize you were so homophobic, Clare Diana."

"I'm not." I argued, and then I slumped back onto the hammock, leaning against Eli's chest and finding myself calmed down. I sighed. Eli sighed back at me. I sighed again. Eli sighed again. It was like we were copying each other and it was cute for a moment. But I ruined the moment with my words. "Seventeen people is a lot, though." I whispered, and Eli shrugged his shoulders, my head bouncing with it.

"Hooking up and cigarettes." He said back to me.

"Hooking up and cigarettes." I repeated.

"Do you want some wine?" Eli offered, and he reached his arm out to grab the bottle, the hammock swaying slightly. He messed with the bottle for a moment, finally getting it to open, and he brought it to his lips. "I understand why Fiona's addicted to this stuff. It's got the most perfect combination of sweet, sour, and class. I understand why they drink it in church. I understand wine."

"I don't understand you." I whispered, and I nuzzled my head into the crook of Eli's neck. "I want to, but you're never going to let me in. I can feel it. Never ever."

"Never say never." Eli responded, and took another drink. "Have a drink."

"Tell me about you."

"Drink." Eli continued to tell me, and I shook my head.

"Please, Eli."

Eli sipped the wine again, and slowly began to move it to my lips, as if begging me to take a sip of his golden drink. "Drink and I'll tell you a secret." So I did as he said, I took a long sip of his dark red wine, and as it slipped down my throat, I could feel Eli's chest rising and falling with a breath. It wasn't quite as bitter as the vodka had been, but it was bitter to say the least. Though I knew what red wine tasted like because of church.

"Tell me." I whispered, and Eli moved the wine back to the table.

"I like you."

My eyelashes fluttered for a moment, and I sat up to stare down at him. I couldn't tell if he was being honest or not. _I have never lied to you though. _

"Are you lying?" I questioned, and Eli kept a straight face.

"No." he answered.

"Kiss me." I demanded.

And so he kissed me with fervor and romance and I could tell that he liked me throughout the whole thing. He wasn't lying. He was honest and though he hated it he did it and he kissed me and I sighed. All it took was one sip of wine to get him to tell me that he liked me. All it took was drugs and dancing to get him to sleep with me. All it took was vodka for hooking up on a blanket in Wonderland. All it took was a sip of wine to get him to tell me how he felt about me. I could feel Eli tugging on my bottom lip with his teeth, and I slowly pulled away from him.

"I like you." I whispered, and Eli's lips curled into his stupid crooked smile. I liked him. He liked me.

"Are you lying?" he asked me. And I shook my head.

"No. Definitely not."

"Kiss me, Clare Diana."

And so we kissed each other until our hearts content. We _hooked up. _We did whatever we wanted to in Fiona Coyne's hammock in Fiona Coyne's backyard. I was mentally thanking Fiona Coyne for existing at this point so our vital information could be passed along so that neither of us thought we were just some regular hookup. We were something important. Eli liked me. Eli was honest with me. That had to mean something. We kissed all night long. We stared up at the starless sky, and we didn't even have to get intoxicated. Eli kissed me often. Especially when I was least expecting it. He kissed my forehead and he kissed the top of my head and often I'd hear his deep voice whisper against my skin: _I like you. Honest. _There was something romantic about that. Something… lovely. And I wouldn't respond to him with anything. But I knew that I liked him.

_Honest. _


	6. Affection

**A/N:** WOAH THIS IS SURPRISING, ANOTHER FILLER CHAPTER. Oh well. To be honest I hate this chapter omg. I just kind of covered some new stuff. Showing how Clare is transforming from her innocent Clare Edwards world, into her Clare Diana lifestyle and I felt like I should have stress that a little more so I did in this chapter? OKAY HERE ENJOY.

**Rating:** Lots of smut. Hint hint Clare gets the D.

**Disclaimer:** I own Clare's underwear not Degrassi.

* * *

"Catch a moth hold it in my hand, crush it casually. Without past I can't disappoint, my ancestry. Forever can I sleep inside - your menagerie." _**Affection | Crystal Castles**_

"Do you know what I should do tomorrow?"

"No, because how am I supposed to know if you don't tell me."

"I should skip summer school and come kiss your face all day long."

"Four hours of making out before my father gets home, it sounds _f-a-n-t-a-s-t-i-c._"

Eli chuckled into the phone and let out a steady breath. "Then I'll see you in t-minus eight hours."

…

I remember waking up the next morning to the front door being rung repeatedly, and my phone vibrating at the same time. For a moment, I bolted out of bed, afraid that my father would hear the door and catch Eli Goldsworthy coming to spend the day with me. But as I looked at the clock, I realized he was long gone. My father got out of bed at five-thirty in the morning, and left at six-fifteen. School started at eight and the time right about then was eight-thirty. I picked up my phone, and made an almost pouty sort of sound.

"Did you want to see me in my pajamas, looking like a groggy mess or something?" I asked him, and I heard the boy snort into the other end.

"Oh please, I told you eight hours. It's been eight hours. You should have been ready for me."

"And you should take the time to sleep in, night owl." I couldn't tell if our tones were slightly flirty, or if it was just my imagination. I walked down the stairs, taking a peek at myself in the mirror that hung on the adjacent wall to see my frazzled appearance. "I hope you like tank tops and underwear."

"I can just imagine how goddamn sexy you look right about now."

"More like a mess." I replied.

Eli breathed huskily into the phone, and I stopped walking for a moment to listen. "I'm sure you and your little pink tank top and white underwear just… hit the spot."

"Save your seducing for when I let you into my house, Goldsworthy." I rolled my eyes, and opened the front door, seeing him standing there with his cell phone pressed to his ear, and his hearse parked in front of my mailbox. "It was a grey tank top, stupid-head." I pursed my lips, and laughed slightly, reaching my hand out towards him to drag him inside of my house before any of the neighbors noticed me standing in my doorway in my underwear. I shut the door behind me, and I gave Eli a sort of playful look as I watched him look around my house.

"I broke in here once." Eli mentioned, taking a few glances at the objects sitting on side tables, and the mirrors and the pictures of my father and I. "We didn't take anything but it's weird to be in here when it isn't night time." Eli turned to look at me, and held up his hands. "It was before finals and your dad was being a total fucker so I didn't exactly have much of a choice."

"Oh, sure." I rolled my eyes, and took his hand in mine. "Let's watch television." I offered, and Eli shrugged his shoulders.

"As long as you mean watch television for like five seconds before we hook up and shit then let's _definitely _watch television."

I pulled him down onto the couch, and before I could reach for the remote to turn on the TV, Eli had already pressed his lips to mine and was nearly dominating me like no other. I could recall Jake and I kissing each other like this in the past; both of us being harsh and soft all at the same time, holding each other down onto a couch and kissing each other until the other nearly begged for them to stop, but this was ten times better than that. Because I could tell that I was _never _going to have to beg Eli Goldsworthy to stop kissing me. He slid his hands around me, his hands meeting in the small of my back as he pulled me up against him and onto his lap, which I straddled promptly. He was subtly playing with the elastic rim of my underwear nearly the whole time, but I could tell it wasn't something he was trying to remove at any point in time in the near future. His lips trailed down my jawline and kissed my neck, biting as if he wanted to leave scars and I was sure that he would. Lovely little bruises that I would have to explain to my father the next day. Though even with me coming home late, and appearing the next day as if I had been hit by a bus, my father didn't question it. Maybe my outbursts had made him want to stay away. Good.

"Eli…" I whimpered, my nails scraping through his black hair and my heart thumping drastically in my chest. "You just got here… couldn't we… couldn't we…" Eli slowly pulled away, and looked at me curiously for a moment. His eyes resembled all forms of intrigue, and he quit playing with my elastic for a second as well.

"You're crazy, Clare Diana." Eli's hand slid slowly up my back, and pushed stray curls out of my eyes, and tucked them away behind my ear before biting down on his bottom lip. We stared at each other for what seemed like forever, until Eli breathed heavily and said to me: "Do you mind if I smoke in here?"

For a moment, I almost told him no, expecting that when my father would come home, the house would reek of cigarettes and I'd be grounded for the rest of the summer, but then I was reminded of something: Eli Goldsworthy caused me to stop caring about… probably anything. "Sure." I answered, and Eli slowly helped me get off of his lap. He fished through his back pocket, and pulled out his container of cigarettes. I noticed the several packages of condoms hidden beneath a few cigarettes, and I found myself… smirking. Mostly because I knew that a good amount of them would be used when it came to me.

"Want one?" He offered – as usual – and I stared at the cigarette in his hand, watching his fingers bob it up and down for me to see, and for the first time, I reached forward and grabbed it.

"Sure." I answered, and Eli raised his eyebrows towards me.

"Is today a first-time kind of day?" He smirked, and pulled his typical lighter out of his pocket and lit up both mine and his cigarettes. "I'm going to guess you're going to need instruction." I nodded slowly, and Eli rolled his eyes playfully. "The way to start off is to inhale slowly with the cigarette in your mouth. Get a little bit of smoke in your mouth and then fully inhale with your lungs. You can do this by either breathing in through your nose or through your mouth." Eli instructed, and I nodded, bringing the cigarette to my mouth and starting to breathe in. "It's gonna feel, like, really bad and you're going to cough but just let it happen."

He was _so _right. I could feel the foreign substances traveling down my throat and into my lungs and I choked almost immediately. And Eli didn't even try to comfort me about it, either. He laughed softly, and nodded his head. "I told you." He commented, bringing his own cigarette to his lips and taking a regular drag and blowing the air back at me. "Do it again. The more you do, the easier it becomes." I did as he told me too, and he was right again. The more I took drags on the cigarette, and blew the smoke back out at Eli, the easier and more relaxing it became.

"I get it, now." I whispered, and Eli's lips curled into a half smile. "I get why you smoke. It's relaxing."

"Fitz tries to get me to smoke weed all the time, but I always tell him that this is better."

"It also makes you look sexy." I complimented, and Eli placed a kiss to my lips.

"You too." He said softly, and both of us took another long breath of the toxic substance and breathed it out into the air. My 'pajamas' smelled like it now. My couch smelled like it now. My everything smelled like Eli Goldsworthy and cigarettes. And now I understood. _Hooking up and cigarettes. _It was on my mind now. Smoking in the dark with Eli Goldsworthy while he could have his hands all over my body and neither one of us giving a damn about the future or anything else going on in the world. Neither of us caring about others or parents or anything.

"Eli?" I whispered, and Eli nodded his head towards me and raised his eyebrows.

"Yes, beautiful girl?"

"Teach me to be like you." I responded, and Eli tilted his head curiously almost as if asking me to explain. "I want to be like you. And be able to not be afraid, and be able to kiss you like you kiss me, and swear, and drink and be like you. I don't want you to be embarrassed to go to parties and stuff with me because I'm not as… as hardcore or whatever as you."

"It's easy to swear, and you've got the smoking and drinking and drugs part down, don't you?" Eli paused for a second, and placed another gentle kiss upon my lips before pulling away. "I think you're perfect, you know. I don't get embarrassed by you. And I certainly don't think you're any less _hardcore _than I am." Eli snorted slightly, and shook his head. "Do you really think I'm embarrassed to be around you?"

"Well you never tell me anything." I whispered, and Eli's expression suddenly went sour. "I know you're trying to keep me _safe _or something, but I can handle it, you know. I can handle going to your house and being exposed to all this mystery you're trying to keep bottled up. I'm not a little girl."

"You were when I first met you." Eli responded, and took a long, final drag on his cigarette before putting it out on his forearm, causing me to cringe at the thought. "Listen, Clare Diana." Eli paused, and reached for both of my hands. We both held the butts of the cigarettes in between our fingers, and we stared into each other's eyes for a moment. If we had known each other for far, far much longer, a moment like this could be expected of him to tell me that he loved me or something. But clearly that would not be the case. "I like you, you know that. You don't have anything to worry about, especially when it comes to me telling you about myself. Just know that I like you, and… if I have to tell you something, then I will."

"If we like each other, then shouldn't we –"

"No." Eli interjected immediately. Almost as if the idea of us being a couple was preposterous. He wasn't embarrassed by me, but he wouldn't date me. Almost as if he wouldn't ever date me in a million years. "No we can't be a couple. I don't do relationships. Too risky."

"What do you mean too risky?" I whispered.

"Too risky that we'll fuck each other over. Someone will… get hurt." Eli stopped speaking, and stood up off of the couch, taking my cigarette with him to throw away into the trash can in the kitchen corridor. He didn't speak another word, but when he started to return, Eli grumbled under his breath: "I came here to hook up with you, not to get all serious and sensitive." I sighed, and reached for one of the blankets residing on the arm of the couch. "Oh, come on, don't be like that." Eli groaned, crossing his arms over his chest.

"Be like what?" I asked, furrowing my eyebrows.

"All covering yourself up and shit. You're going to get all distant and then eventually ask me to leave and things will be awkward and as many times as I try to call you you're not going to answer and I'll spend the rest of the summer getting over it by fucking new girls and thinking, _gee, good thing we didn't make it official because I knew she'd break my heart._"

"I wasn't thinking that." I said defensively, and Eli rolled his eyes. "I wasn't!"

"Then what were you thinking?"

I licked my lips and let out a shaky breath. "I was thinking that I completely killed the mood and that you were just going to eventually leave and… I don't know." For some reason, my words caused Eli to smile. Like he was glad I had said that, or that I thought that. It was clear that that wasn't what he had in mind, in the first place, but I still believed it. He reached forward towards me, and grasped the ends of the blanket, pulling it off of my body with a swift movement causing me to shiver from the cold air that he caused.

"Never, would I ever, leave a beautiful girl like you sitting on her couch in her underwear without fucking her senseless." Eli replied, and though he was so undeniably vulgar, I couldn't help myself but be turned on by it. Eli Goldsworthy had a way with curse words that was nearly impossible to explain.

"There, see! You're doing it! You make swear words seem sexy."

"You make everything seem sexy." Eli cheekily winked at me, and sat down beside me on the couch. "Go ahead, give it a try. Swear, Clare Diana. It's _easy like Sunday morning_." Eli whispered in a sing-song voice. I closed my mouth and shook my head, almost acting like a four year old trying to keep their mother from shoving a bar of soap into their mouth. "You'll be happy after you do!"

"Damn." I muttered, and Eli shook his head.

"That's not a fucking swear word."

"Sure it is!"

"Even I know that it's in the bible, so it isn't. Try something better, like bitch or fuck or shit or whatever the hell you want."

"Bitch isn't a bad word." I retorted, and Eli cocked an eyebrow. "It just means a female dog."

"Shit means feces and fuck is another word for sex, now let's get on with it before I go insane."

I shook my head, "Perhaps later." I teased, and slid my hands around the base of his neck. "Today's a day of firsts, right?" I asked, and Eli nodded, both of us staring into the others big dilated eyes. "Let me do something for the first time ever." Eli hummed softly, begging for me to continue speaking. He stared at me with a curious look in his eyes, filled with intrigue and admiration. I wasn't sure what he was admiring about me, but I knew what admiration looked like. "Well, I've never gone bungee jumping."

"Yeah, neither have I." he rolled his eyes.

"Or ridden in a hot air balloon."

"Afraid of heights."

"Really?" I smiled, and Eli nodded at me. "But I was thinking of something specific." Eli hummed again, almost like he was too lazy to breathe a word to me to ask what I was saying. I hopped up off of the couch, and reached for his hand. "C'mon," I begged, pulling him up off of the couch. Eli followed me, humming the entire time. I pulled him into a deeper part of my house, near where my father's bedroom was, and a closet door, spare bedroom, and bathroom. There was a blank wall, which I figured deserved some piece of artwork or something. It was lacking. In a few swift movements, I pulled Eli up against me, and then the two of us slammed up against the barren wall.

My heart was pumping, and for the first time ever, I could notice that Eli's eyes were not on mine. They were on my breasts, which, for some reason was a little understandable. They were nearly falling out of my tank top, and I was breathing so heavily that they were rising and falling on my chest in such a manner that made it probably impossible for him _not _to stare. Not that I was complimenting my body in some way. I always figured my body average. But Eli said that Clare Diana was sexy – so I was sexy.

"So what's this new thing that we're trying, huh?" Eli purred, and I rolled my eyes.

"Can it, hot stuff. Be patient." I whispered, and I suddenly felt myself getting nervous. Like the kind of nervous you get when you're about to go on stage to get an award or when you just recently told the boy you like that you've fallen crazy hard for him and he's just staring at you not sure how to turn you down. Almost like my palms were going to start sweating, but I couldn't let that happen. Or maybe I could. Hell, I didn't know what I was doing to be blunt. I placed my hands on the ends of Eli's t-shirt with the words _Arctic Monkey's _written in America's most patriotic colours, and lifted it up over his head, and smoothed my hands over Eli's chest. All he continued to do was stare at me; his eyes scanning over my face, my chest – my everything. I tried to dance, without any music. Just moving my body against his in some rhythmic matter that was seemingly impossible. It was mostly just messy dancing, that Eli smirked at. I found myself grinding my hips against his, a little disappointed there wasn't friction yet for me to gasp about. I bit my lip, and let my eyes wander to Eli's.

"Okay, I'm going to um… I'm going to –"

"Going to what, Clare Diana?"

"I'm trying to think of the right word." I whispered, and I could see Eli's intrigue written all over his pale face. He was gorgeous, and there was no denying it.

"Think all you want."

"It's like… I'm going to…go down on you, or whatever." And then suddenly it was like Eli's entire expression had changed. Like instead of intrigue, it was more of a surprise. Like he had no idea this was coming. He pursed his lips, and quickly forced his lips onto mine, and our tongues were at war. I'd let us take our time, I supposed. I nearly moaned into his mouth, our hips swaying with each other's and my mind wandering to how I was going to go about this. I had never even suspected that I'd ever have to do, or that I'd want to do, or that I ever _would_ do an act like this – but here Eli Goldsworthy was, changing me inside out. Perhaps it was Clare Edwards that wouldn't do something like this. Clare Diana on the other hand, she would.

My hands slid down his stomach, my fingers hooking on the loops of his jeans. I refused to look up at his face, but I could already expect a smirk on his lips and his eyebrows raised with intrigue. No, no, I wasn't going to give him the satisfaction of seeing his expression. I could feel him waiting for me to look at it, but I wasn't going to. My hands shakily unbuttoned the one silver button and pulled on the zipper and as fast as I could, I kneeled down, and pulled down his jeans to his ankles with me, and let my gaze fall upon his plain, grey boxers. He wasn't… he wasn't hard yet. No, of course he wasn't. I knew from my so far experience that it took a lot more than just an hour or so of making out on my couch to turn him on. Eli tapped his fingers on the wall behind him and I could feel his eyes staring down at me.

"Tick tock goes the clock, until Daddy Edwards gets home."

I ignored him, because his teasing wasn't getting us anywhere. In fact it was making me far more nervous than I had previously imagined. I'd never… with Jake, partially because whenever he'd suggest it I'd be absolutely disgusted and push him off of me and go away into my own room. _Gimmie a blowjob, Clare; c'mon, gimmie a blowjob. _As if a suggestion of those sorts was going to get me to do what he wanted. At least Eli didn't even have to bring up the idea, and it was mine and mine alone. I pulled down the grey boxers and my eyes laid upon it. It wasn't as terrifying as I had made it out to be and looking at it now I wondered how I had been so afraid anyway. I let out a sharp breath of air, and raised my hands towards it; and as I did so I closed my eyes and turned my head away. I didn't want to look, for some reason I just didn't want to look.

"Concentrate, Clare Diana." Eli teased.

"Shut the fuck up," I blurted out, and I could just imagine Eli's surprised expression plastered on his face.

"Feisty now, aren't we? Clare Diana is building up her sex appeal with curse words, ooh-la-la."

"Seriously, shut it." I said sternly. I turned my head to look this time, doing as Eli said and _concentrating. _I moved my hands up and down slowly around him, and at first I figured I wasn't doing anything at all, until I heard Eli let out a long deep breath. "Is this cool?" I asked, and I finally looked up to get a good look at this face, but I didn't quit moving my hands.

"Yeah." Eli muttered huskily. "_Super cool."_

The tone of his voice seconded that. The way his normal speaking voice differed from the way he was when he was turned on was possibly one of my favourite things. As soon as he had become moderately hard in my hands, I bit down on my bottom lip and contemplated how this was supposed to be done. I'd read about a girl going down on a boy before. Never watched it in a pornographic film or seen Alli do it by accident (though I had walked in on her and one of her boyfriend's once), so I had to try and figure it all out by memory of literature. I wondered if that was obvious, too, considering Eli didn't say any words. I expected some sort of sarcastic remark about how I should be moving on by now, but maybe he was waiting for me. He knew I was fragile enough to not know what to do, and he was giving me time to figure it out.

I licked my lips and let my hands fall from him and moved forward slowly, my mouth opening and I tried to imagine how this was all supposed to be happening. I wrapped my lips around the head of him, and tried desperately to take in as much of him as I could before I nearly choked myself to death. I suddenly felt Eli's hand slip into my hair and brush back my curls out of my eyes. I glanced up at him, and could see that he had his head against the wall and his eyes were closed. He licked his lips slightly and nodded, as if he knew I was watching him, as if he was waiting for me to continue.

"Go on, Clare Diana; don't waste any time, now."

Eli moved his hips slowly, as if my mouth were some place completely different and we were having sex on my couch which I was nearly sure would occur later, anyway. I tried desperately to please him, swirling my tongue around him and moving my head up and down to the accordance of his breaths. I constantly felt him tapping on the wall, and for a while I felt as if it was to tell me to do better, but I had begun to realize that the faster the tapped, it was the closer he was to being finished. And as soon as I could hear his nails tapping on the wall at a rapid speed, I raised my hand and wrapped it around the part of his cock that my mouth could definitely not reach. It was… _large, _then again to let me judge something of that sense was terribly poor considering I was struck with innocence all my life.

I heard Eli mutter a few swear words, and I could feel his cock twitching and turning inside of my mouth and for a moment I nearly panicked as to what I was supposed to do next. I moved my hands faster, waiting for the onslaught of horrible tasting… revolting textured… _stuff_ to pour out of him. And it was final, when I felt one of Eli's hands clench into my hair and the other slam so hard against my wall I was afraid it was going to make a hole. And then it happened.

"Fuck." He slurred, and suddenly came, filling my mouth with the warm sticky substance. I cringed mentally, and as soon as I had swallowed it all, I pulled away and shook my head. "I didn't really expect you to –"

"Oh, my God, that was disgusting." I choked out, and stood to my feet.

Eli shuffled to pull up his boxers and jeans and he laughed a little. "You don't have to do that again if you don't ever want too." He offered, and I rolled my eyes.

"Shut up, Goldsworthy." I placed my hand on his neck and I breathed deeply. "If you like it, I'll do it." Eli cocked his head to the side, and flashed me a sort of thankful smirk.

"Well I did, and I do." He paused, and I suddenly felt his hands on my waist, guiding me around the room back to the couch where we had been sitting however long ago it seemed to be. "Now, let me return the favour." Eli roughly grasped my hips and pulled my underwear down my legs, throwing them onto the ground and shoving me down into the one-person arm chair. I laughed softly, it almost coming off as a sort of girly giggle which made my cheeks turn a bright shade of red. I'd dreamed of this moment, truthfully. Of Eli Goldsworthy going down on me, his head in between my legs and my thighs quivering at such a momentous rate that everything around me would feel like nothing except for the magic he'd be. God I was crazy about him. He was crazy, but I was crazier about him. "Clare Diana, I must ask you something personal."

"What?" I said, almost a little aggravated that at this moment he was about to ask me personal questions as his fingers traced lines on my skin. He smirked slightly, his tongue sweeping across his lips as he then looked up into my eyes. He didn't say anything, like he was procrastinating and I pursed my lips. "What, what is it?"

"Have you ever… thought about me?" Eli asked, and I shut my eyes. I could feel his fingertips grazing against my legs, as he pushed them apart and looked briefly in between my legs, and then looked up at me. I knew this because as I felt his fingertips on me, my eyes shot open to look down at him.

"Of course I've thought about you." I said, my voice slightly spiteful as I was upset that he was taking so long. I knew what he was doing. I hated him for it. But God, I loved him at the same time. But not love. Lust. It was all helpless, hopeless lust. And now that I was sucked in, there wasn't a way out, regrettably.

"No, I mean… thought about me."

It was then when I was about to kick my legs and scream. He was purposely trying to torture me. He chuckled softly as he realized how agitated he was making me. He traced circles on the inner part of my thigh, making it shake under his touch.

"You know," he continued, biting on his bottom lip and letting out a cold breath of air before he spoke again. "When you're lying in bed, staring at the ceiling and your thoughts wandered to me. And you think about me. We've known each other for a few weeks now. When you're lying there, and your heart races, and you get all hot and bothered over me. And you're so desperate for some sort of release that you have to touch yourself. Oh, Clare Diana. Do you touch yourself and think about me?" Eli had a devastatingly handsome smirk stuck to his lips that saved me from being bitter about him taking so long to touch me and kiss me. If he knew – and I'm sure he did – I was hot and bothered now. And surely, later that night it would be the same.

"Do you want me to lie?" I breathed, and Eli shook his head playfully.

"Oh no. I want the truth," he began to sneak his head in between my legs. "The whole truth." He paused for seven, painstakingly awful seconds, and then whispered huskily: "_And nothing but the truth."_

I was moaning like an idiot, my mouth open always, breathing in the hot California air. It was all pleasure, and no one bit of disappointment or anything terrible. I breathed out his name and he kissed me in places I never knew he would. He was so gentle, and so fast moving, and every bit of me was breathless. Just trying to control myself while he caused me to feel such _incredible, fantastic _feelings I knew I would never feel again from any other man. Only Eli Goldsworthy. It didn't take very long until he pushed me far enough to move completely over the edge and cry out in utter ecstasy. I wondered if Eli Goldsworthy knew how he made girls feel. How he made their insides feel like they were a star exploding.

I grasped onto the arms of the chair, toes curling, breathing heavy, and Eli Goldsworthy was staring up at me through dark black bangs that were hanging in front of his eyes. He stared at me as if he was taunting me. I hated him. But oh, how I _lusted _him. "Eli…" I breathed, and as he slowly moved away, licking his lips clean afterwards. I felt as if I wanted to die, in all the best ways. But it was all right now. We were even. He'd returned his favour. Perhaps he could return his _favour_ more often.

"Now we need to –"

"Hand me my underwear." I interrupted, pointing to my stray grey underwear. They were the kind that looked almost like little shorts, but they weren't. That's how I seemingly got away with walking around my house wearing underwear and not being ashamed of doing it in front of him. He did as I told him to, handing me them, and as I tried to stand to my feet, my legs quivered senselessly.

"Now we need to –"

"Shh," I whispered, interrupting him for a second time. He raised his eyebrows, as if he was trying to tell me something important, but I shushed him again. He opened his mouth to speak, and I placed my fingers over his lips, trying desperately to get him to finally stop speaking. "Quit it. I just want to kiss you." I murmured, and Eli obliged, pulling me up against him and our lips crashing against each other. We fell on the couch, my back hitting it with a subtle _oof _and Eli Goldsworthy toppling on top of me. I craved the delicious taste of his lips. And the delicious cigarette taste we both now possessed. I could even find myself mildly craving the thing. I got it now. Addiction.

I may not have been addicted to cigarettes but I was addicted to Eli Goldsworthy.

I didn't need his drugs. I just needed him. But the drugs were an extra factor that made it all so worth it. The rush, the high, the feeling of us both above the clouds while banging it out in a bathroom stall or quietly in the back of a venue. That was life with Eli Goldsworthy. And God, I was sure as hell addicted. Eli's teeth tugged on my bottom lip, and my hands smoothed over the small muscles in his arms. They could have barely even been considered biceps. Just little bumps of pressure that were drop dead sexy. He whispered my little nickname against my lips, and I found myself moaning in delight.

But it all went downhill from there.

There was a clicking of a key in a lock.

The creaking of the front door opening.

The gasp of an old man finding his nearly naked daughter and his least favourite student hooking up on his living room couch. Then it was the drop of his books, the crossing of his arms, and the voice of Eli Goldsworthy going:

"Oh, fuck."

And it was clearly not the good kind of _oh fuck _I'd heard him moan constantly when the two of us would… do what we do together. It was the: _your dad is going to kill me. Not just summer school this time. I'm actually about to be murdered _kind of oh fuck. I quickly pushed Eli Goldsworthy off of me, and I felt mildly bad as I heard his body crashing on the creaky hard wood floor. I reached for the blanket, muttering subtly "Shit, shit, shit." underneath my breath.

Eli passed me the blanket we had tossed away, and I covered myself immediately. He stood to his feet, and for the first time in my life, I saw fear in Eli Goldsworthy's eyes. Maybe it was because neither of us had been in a situation where we needed to be afraid, but I felt it. I could hear his heart pounding in his chest, and the look on my father's face said it all: _I am actually about to kill you._

"Hey… dad…" I said softly, flashing him a cheesy grin, which was put to the side immediately.

"Get the fuck off my property." My father glowered, and Eli bolted. He bolted like there was no tomorrow, leaving his _Arctic Monkey's_ shirt behind as he did so. Then his glance turned to me, and it all went downhill from there.

"I thought you didn't get home for a few more hours…" I whispered.

"So because you _thought_ I wasn't going to be home, that makes it acceptable for you to invite Eli – who is supposed to be at my summer school class – over so the two of you could have sex?" My father asked, and I stood up, wrapping the blanket around my body to keep myself covered.

"Technically we hadn't had sex yet." I whispered, and my father shook his head.

"It smells like cigarettes in here." My father noted, and I swallowed. "Were you smoking cigarettes?" I didn't answer. But my ability to _not _answer answered the question for itself. I had. And I was glad I had. Smoking cigarettes was like sex. Classy and trashy all at the same time. "You are never to speak to that boy again." My father said sternly, and I furrowed my eyebrows. "Look at what he's done to you. Who are you anymore?"

"I'm Clare Diana." I answered promptly.

"No, you are Clare Edwards."

I shook my head. "I'm Clare Diana. I'm no Edwards."

I didn't have to say anything else after that. I didn't listen to him as he shouted at me while I walked up the stairs. Any words my father yelled at me through my bedroom door were ignored. Anything about my father was ignored at this point. What was he going to do, anyway? Send me back to Canada? That was the worst he could do, because I wasn't his anymore. Technically I couldn't say I was Eli's either, but I was me. I was my own self. Not something that listened to my father, or Eli Goldsworthy.

I was Clare Diana.

I _am_ Clare Diana, so, fuck you.


	7. Wrath of God

**A/N:** Hi everyone! Sorry this took so long for me to post. It was Christmas and stuff so I hope you all can understand and that if you celebrate the holiday that you had a good Christmas! So, if you follow me on tumblr you probably know I left the Degrassi fandom and that I don't like Degrassi anymore and that I'm not watching or anything but just to make it clear to everyone **this does _not_ mean i'm going to stop writing fanfiction** mostly because a. for some reason i can only write eclare, b. I usually only write AU so I mean, it's understandable that I really only like things that differ from the show and like no offense the show has gone reeeally downhill lately and to the point where I can't bare to watch it anymore lol. But I'm going to keep writing, so don't worry! Anyway, back to things about this chapter. I don't like it very much except for the ending. I love the ending it's so sad squee. Is it bad that I don't like any of my chapters except for like a certain few like the third and fifth oops. I'd really like all of your reviews on this chapter if it's okay? I really hope I'm not losing my motivation for this fic/writing because of my lack of interest in Degrassi anymore. If it feels like I'm losing my touch in this chapter, I was stricken with writers block this week and I sincerely apologize. OKAY ENOUGH OF MY BANTER GO AHEAD AND READ.

**Rating:** As always, smuttastic. Lol let's be real are any of my chapters/fics not smutty.

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Degrassi just Imogen's bedroom wall with the _Doctor Who_ quote on it. Also do not own the band The Neighbourhood. Just a really great local band you should all listen to.

* * *

"Christen them with paraffin. Sterilize Samaritans. Contravene loyal ties. Migrate them through the pesticide. They'll strip you of your heritage" **_Wrath of God | Crystal Castles_**

There were most days when Eli Goldsworthy would not speak to me in person. It was mostly after school on Wednesday's or Thursday's. He wasn't ignoring me, or anything of those sorts. He would often send me text messages that were devastatingly lovely that said something along the lines of: _beautiful girl, my heart longs to see your shining face! but alas, I am kept hostage by your father who is greedily hogging you all to himself. how will my heart ever go on? _It was mostly in such a romantic tone because he was going on recently about his new love for Shakespeare. He made me watch the Stanley Tucci version of Midsummers Night's Dream, and don't even get me started on Romeo and Juliet. Eli Goldsworthy could ring me into whatever he so wanted from me.

The most dreadful thing though, was after the incident with my father, Randall was undeniably keen on keeping me away from Eli Goldsworthy. And though the slightest idea of him skipping summer school again seemed like such a fantastic idea, my father suspected it, mostly. So we stole the weekends and went miles and miles away only to return and be sucked back into a 'family oriented' week with my father. I snuck out as much as it seemed possible, but the window outside of my bedroom was so high up it proved difficult for me to get down without scraping me knees a few times. But Eli said my bruises were sexy. Good, I was leaving for him and he had better find my bruises attractive.

I don't think it would be humanly possible for me to forget the horrified look on my fathers face when he walked in and saw him and I entangled with each other and myself near naked. If he had even _half _known what had gone on, I'm sure he would have had my head on a silver platter. I still have his annoying lecture replaying over and over in my head. How he was disappointed in me for not saving my virginity until marriage, and how the house smelled like cigarettes, which, offended him apparently. He told me that I was never allowed to speak to Eli again (which I laughed at) and that if he caught me smoking, or that if the living room smelled like it, he would send me right back to Canada and tell Helen everything he knew or saw. That was the only thing slightly frightening me. Because for some reason I didn't want to be separated from Eli.

I shimmied into a pair of bleached shorts and took a look in the skinny mirror on the bedroom door. I looked different. Not like Canadian Clare. I was completely rearranged. Eli told me once that I looked as if I was born and bred California now, and the only thing stopping me from being totally Californian was the fact that I still pronounced sorry like 'soar-y.' Maybe it was the new sex appeal I had that changed me to a 'Cali-Girl', because instead of being Clare Edwards, the French teachers daughter, I was Clare Diana, Eli Goldsworthy's little minx. I didn't even think that the Fantastic Four even realized that I was the daughter of Randall Edwards. That was probably a good thing, anyways. My phone buzzed on my dresser table, Eli's number and name lighting up like a Christmas tree. He was calling to see if I was ready to go. I puckered my red lipstick stained lips in the mirror and grinned to myself.

"You better help me down from the window."

I hung up my cell phone and threw it into my handbag, and stared out the window down at the trash cans, and Eli Goldsworthy's grinning face looking up at me, and waving for me to come down. I nodded, and turned to my bed to make sure everything was in order. It seemed to be rare that my father would come to check on me. Mostly because I locked my bedroom door before I would sneak out, and I would take the precautionary television show method of shoving pillows underneath my blankets to make it seem as if I was sleeping. I pulled open the window and threw Eli my handbag, which he caught – as always, except for the first time when it fell in the trash and he stole me a brand-new-used one from a thrift store on Main Street – and I slowly climbed out. This was my least favourite part. The climbing out the window part because as much as I knew Eli was going to help me, it proved to be difficult, and sometimes I noticed that instead of Eli paying attention, he was mostly just staring at my ass.

His strong hands wrapped around my waist as I slid out of the window, and he helped me down to stand on the recycling bin of the trash can, and our lips met for a little bit of a hello kiss. We always kissed each other to say hello. The two of us helped each other down from the trashcans, and for a second I almost took off running in the direction of the front yard to go hop into Morty and drive to wherever Eli would be taking us, but he grabbed me by the wrist, and shook his head at me.

"You and I are going to get so drunk tonight; neither of us will be able to drive home."

Our hands slipped into each other's, and Eli dragged me in the direction through my backyard, and over the small fence in which he had climbed over to get there in the first place. He was gentle with me, making sure that not one piece of me would be injured in the expedition. He always held my waist with care, and never ever did I ever find myself having to ask him to be more careful with me. That was even more applied during sex. Because even though it was fairly obvious, Eli Goldsworthy was a sex-god. A to die for sex-god.

"Where are we going?" I whispered as we pushed through a neighbour's backyard to get to the street behind my row of houses. Eli squeezed my hand softly and dipped his head a little.

"Imogen is having a party, and _The Neighbourhood _is playing a house show there."

"That's the _Sweater Weather _band, right?" I asked, and Eli nodded his head in response. I could recall their slow beat, and how during late night make out sessions in the back of Morty in the dark, Eli would have them playing to set the mood just right. And it _did _set the mood just right. "Good. I like that band." I added, and Eli turned his head back to smile at me, and that's when we had reached the sidewalk. Eli had pointed out Imogen's house before, and luckily, she wasn't one of those Pierpont girls. Not because Eli always referred to girls like those as rich snobs, but because it would be easier for us to find our way home, drunk, in the dark since she lived only a few streets over. In fact, Eli never referred to Imogen as a rich snob, mostly just her girlfriend Fiona. He never said anything about it, but I believed it, or had come up with some fantasy that Eli and Imogen had dated and he had been totally in love with her, but she left him for Fiona, and that's why he was so desperate to keep me stuck on him and to never look at girls in that sort of way. I always shrugged it off, but I still liked to come up with my own backstory for Eli since he would never tell it to me himself.

"Did I mention how fucking hot you look tonight?" Eli asked me, and I shook my head proudly. "Well, Clare Diana…" his hand slid around my waist, and his face was gravitating close to mine at a fast rate. "You look so fucking –" but Eli was cut off by the sound of a bass strumming loudly in the distance. He pulled slightly away, and turned his head to see the lights of a house shining brightly all the way down the street. "Fuck, they're starting." A grin slipped onto his lips, and he quickly removed his hand from my waist and placed it into my own. "C'mon."

We took off down the street, and for the moment I was glad I had worn my converse instead of wearing small heels like I had suspected. I wanted to look sexy for Eli. I thought heels might work, but at this moment I was glad that I had changed my mind last-minute. There was a minimal crowd surrounding Imogen's house as people began to pack in and find good spots to watch the show. Eli pushed and shoved, trying to get the two of us to the front as the singer began to introduce his band, and say the name of their first song. People cheered, Eli cheered, and as their first song began, Eli pulled me close to him and the kissing began.

I was brought back to memories of the first night at the rave, with the two of us dancing on each other and his fingers in my hair, and the kissing, and the sex and the entire night. I could recall all the feelings I had, the way the drugs had affected my body. My hands met at the base of Eli's neck as I pulled him close to me, our bodies bouncing off of each other's and our lips fighting each other for dominance. I won. Eli always let me win. I'd pounce back at him, running my fingers through his hair and creating tangles in the shaggy black locks. The music added the perfect touch to the moment, making our hips sway back and forth to the tune of that _Sweater Weather_ song that Eli loved so much. I pulled way suddenly, and my lips found their place beside Eli's ear, and I purred into it softly:

"I thought you said we were going to get drunk tonight."

Eli had this look in his eyes that told me exactly what I wanted. They were shimmering in the light provided and he licked his lips promptly. I could feel his hand that was wrapped around my waist dragging me out of the crowd, and towards Imogen's kitchen. I had no idea that a girl who seemed so innocent like I had could have so much alcohol in her home. Then again, anyone could have thought the same thing about me, and because of my little fantasies I suspected that Eli had changed Imogen into this partying, vodka drinking girl. And whether I was allowed to be jealous or not, I wasn't sure. It didn't particularly matter though, because Imogen Moreno was a lesbian, and all I wanted was Eli Goldsworthy.

The kitchen counter was lined with as many different types of alcohol as you could imagine. Eli took my hand, and lead us to two chairs that sat against the island of Imogen's kitchen, right in front of all the alcohol and as many shot glasses lined up. I took a few seconds to wonder where on earth Imogen's parents must have been, but the thought as rushed out of my mind in a matter of seconds when Eli Goldsworthy said to me:

"Let's play a drinking game."

I nodded immediately. "What kind of drinking game?"

"It's called Buzz." Eli answered, and I sat up straight in order to express my intrigue towards the name. Eli smirked lightly, and began with the instructions. "So you and I are going to count back and forth, until reaching seven, which is replaced with you or me saying the word buzz. So on each multiple of seven, you're going to replace the number with the word buzz, and each mistake costs you one drink. So basically by the time the game is over we're both totally –"

"Buzzed. I get it." I answered as Eli reached for the shot glasses and a bottle of what appeared to be half full and clear as water. He poured both of us a shot, and then it all began.

"One." He started.

"Two."

"Three."

"Four."

"Five."

"Six."

"Buzz."

I bit my lip and choked out the word: "Eight."

"Nine."

"Ten."

"Eleven."

"Twelve."

"Thirteen."

"Fourteen."

Eli clapped his hands, and I groaned both out loud and subconsciously at my stupidity. I choked back to drink the bitter-tasting alcohol as Eli poured me a second shot. It began again. Constantly I would find myself screwing up, slurring the words and barely even getting past twenty-eight before Eli Goldsworthy took four shots just to catch up with me. I guess he felt bad. But by the time we had decided to end the game, we were both clearly drunk out of our minds. He kissed me on the bar stool, trying so desperately to get hand-sy with me from a few feet away. But I shook my head, reached for the bottle and said to him:

"Eli… Goldsworthy. I am…_so_ not drunk enough." I was slurring my words, and Eli was laughing, and people were staring and admiring the two of us laughing, and grinning, and enjoying ourselves. Even with my head spinning, and my vision becoming blurry it was clear to see how drop dead sexy Eli Goldsworthy was. We continued to drink from our bottle, each of us getting more and more plastered. Each of us unable to find a care in the world.

"Let's do something." Eli said out of the blue. His pupils were dilated and excited. I nodded my head in agreement, as he took both of my hands in his and bit down on his bottom lip. "We could go fuck somewhere." he offered, and I nodded again.

"Where?" I asked and Eli shrugged in response.

"Imogen's room. She'll never know. She's as plastered as we are right now." Eli flashed me a toothy grin, and dragged me, stumbling up a staircase and into a bedroom with multi-coloured Christmas lights and band posters everywhere. And written on the wall in black paint, I could barely read the words: _People assume that time is a strict progression of cause to effect, but actually, from a non-linear non-subjective viewpoint, it's more like a big bowl of wibbly wobbly timey wimey... stuff. _

"You're sure she won't notice?" I slurred, and Eli nodded his head, slamming me up against the door he had closed, and ripping the shirt right off of my body. "Eli…" I breathed as his teeth preyed upon my neck, causing me to gasp at the sudden sensation. I loved this feeling. And then suddenly, Eli pulled away from me, and shuffled through his back pocket for a moment. "What?" I whimpered, already beginning to feel needy as I noticed Eli whipping out his cell phone and pressing a few buttons.

"I need a picture of you to look at during classes, when I'm totally bored and miss your beautiful face." Eli answered, holding his cell phone up to take a picture of my face. I stuck my tongue out in response.

"You just want pictures so that you can get off to the thought of me at night." I replied sardonically, and Eli snorted, shrugging his shoulders in response.

"Maybe I do, maybe I don't. Now shut up, and let me take pictures of you."

I grinned, and pushed my hair back, and in a drunken matter tried to make myself look sexy for the pictures I knew Eli was taking. He rolled his eyes at me and laughed and told me constantly with a slurred tone how adorable I was to him. I could hear the little clicking sound his cell phone would make every time a photo would be taken, and it would cause me to laugh hysterically each time. And then we took pictures together. I tore away his black shirt, and the two of us took pictures together on Imogen's bed. Funny faces, serious faces, smiles, my drunk version of a sexy face. I wanted to remember something in the morning, and these photos would help put back the bits and pieces of the missing night I'd be having.

"Clare Diana," Eli said, and I nodded, sitting up straight as Eli did the same, pointing his cell phone in my direction, almost as if he was taking a video. "You've just won the Pulitzer Prize. Do you have anything to say?"

"I'd like to thank the academy!" I shouted, raising a hand into the air and brushing my curls from my shoulder. "And Eli Goldsworthy for getting me so drunk right now. And Canada! And sex! And lipstick! And… vodka and… Eli Goldsworthy!" I squealed, reaching for Eli's phone, and throwing it out of his hands and spontaneously pouncing on him. We kissed – sloppily, I might add. I didn't take the time to wonder if Eli's phone was still recording, because I was moaning like a drunken idiot the entire time. He scratched at my back, unhooking my bra and throwing it down onto the ground with his cell phone. Everything moved at such an abrupt pace, Eli throwing my own and his own clothing onto the ground and running his hands through my hair as we both rolled around on Imogen's bed, making the blankets shift completely out of pace.

Eli hovered above me, his teeth tugging on my bottom lip as I breathed hot air onto his face. He had this lustful, devious look in his eyes that caused me to moan in ecstasy. That, and the fact that he slid his knee in between my legs, causing an immense amount of friction against me, enough to make my head spin. I yanked on his black locks, pulling his ear dangerously close to my lips, and I breathed heavily, muttering words desperately into his ear.

"I'm in charge." I whispered, "I get to say what we do. I'm the boss."

"You always are, Clare Diana." Eli grumbled into my ear. "You are always in charge." His teeth sunk into my neck, making a gasp emanate from my mouth in utter pleasure. I whimpered, my body shuddering under his touch. He was so great. Just so fucking great, and to people I always wished I could describe him. Some mystical creature. A fallen angel. He was everything I dreamed of and we constantly treated each other's like property. I was his favourite band tee, and he was my favourite book. Perhaps that's why I adored him so much. He was just some fictional character in my minds book. He was licking and biting all over my neck, his lips making sure to suckle along the soft flesh to make marks of his territory for me to see. I always loved looking at his love bites the next day in the mirror. And he did too, always reminding me how sexy they made me look.

"Eli –" I cried out, my toes curling at the sudden sensation of his hips grinding into my own. "Eli I want to… I want to…" I cut myself off as Eli shifted his position to look down into my eyes. I was seeing double again, two pairs of green daggers looking down at me. One pairs of luscious, delicious lips smirking down at me from above. I felt the breath being stolen out of my lungs as Eli's smirk turned into a toothy grin, and his eyebrows raised sufficiently.

"To what?" he mused.

"I want to…"

"To what?" He asked again, cutting me off this time, and I bit my lip. Using all the strength that I could, I placed my hands on his shoulders and shoved him onto the bedding beside me, crawling on top of him, and letting him take a look at the blue daggers I had. He licked his lips in amusement, and I fought a smile.

"To this." I answered proudly, flipping my hair out of my face and leaning down to kiss his luscious_, _delicious smirking lips.

And then we slept together. For the thousandth time. The millionth time. Actually, it was the eleventh time but I would always like to think that it could be more than that. And this one time, was the loudest, most pleasurable time of them all. I was screaming, and Eli was cursing, and I was cursing and everything felt like it was sent in overdrive. Maybe it was the being in charge, being on top sort of thing or maybe it was the alcohol or maybe it was just my imagination, but no matter what it was, it was the most ecstatic feeling I'd ever received. I'd felt electric, like Eli Goldsworthy had plugged me into a wall and I was lighting up and catching on fire.

"Eli, oh my God…" I cried, throwing my head back into the air. "Oh my… _fuck_!" Eli grabbed my hips, moving in and out of me faster and harder, enough to make me go ballistic at the feeling. I bit down on my lip to try to keep myself quiet, but all it did was cause blood to trickle from the cut I'd created. I clutched for the sheets, as my body finally hit its breaking point and I nearly collapsed. Eli had found the same rhythm as me, apparently, and caught me in his arms. It was difficult to notice, and since neither of us cared about beauty at the time, we didn't process the fact we'd both climaxed at the same time. Maybe we were just too drunk to notice.

Our eyes met for a moment, and I noticed him swallowing his spit. "You wanna go home?" he asked me, and I nodded.

"Should we clean up Imogen's room?"

Eli shook his head. "Nah." He reached over the side of the bed for my bra, picking up his cell phone along with it and noticing that the phone was still recording every single minute. It'd recorded every sound, every swear word, every moment but all it could see was the ceiling. Which, was probably a good thing. Eli held the phone up to see me again, and he laughed. "Say goodnight, Clare Diana." Eli told me, and I giggled.

"Goodnight, Clare Diana!"

…

I was starting to feel numb. Like every part of my body was tensing up, and it wouldn't let go like when your feet fall asleep and you have to kick them to get them to wake up again. Not the pins and needles part, just the numb part. Eli had his arm around my waist as we both stumbled down the sidewalk back to my house. He constantly had his lips pressed to my ear, where he would whisper dirty little things which would cause me to laugh obnoxiously and not even seem to care that the neighbours would be hearing me. We climbed over the fence, drunkenly managing to get back into my yard and towards the recycling bin that lifted me back up to my bedroom window. There was a little ledge of roofing that was right outside of my window, big enough for someone to sit on if they wanted to – so we did. The two of us sat on my roof and we leaned against the window sill and I leaned my head on his shoulder and he kissed the top of my head.

"Did you have a good night, Clare Diana?" he asked and I nodded, our heads subtly bumping against each other. "Good, because you're going to feel fucking terrible in the morning. Sorry we got so drunk."

"Don't be sorry." I whispered. I reached my hand around his jeans, finding his pocket and pulling out his package of cigarettes. "Light us up." I told him, and Eli obeyed, shuffling through his pocket for his lighter and setting both of the cigarettes ends on fire. I wondered how Eli had changed me so fast. How the first time we had ever hung out he got me to experiment with drugs. The second time, alcohol. And then a few weeks later I was smoking cigarettes, and here I was now going out to parties, getting totally wasted and smoking cigarettes on my roof with this magnificently terrible guy. I watched as Eli blew smoke into the air, and I did the same.

"I think I fall for girls too easily." Eli said softly, but clearly not soft enough because I could hear him, especially when he continued to ramble on. I remember hearing somewhere once, in fact, I think maybe it had been Eli that had told me, but there was a saying: _in wine, there is truth. when people are drunk they do or say things they're too scared to when they're sober. _I wouldn't realize it now, but in the future I could look back at this moment and realize – this was one of those moments. "I mean, you should see the other girls I fell in love with, Clare. You've met two of them. You'll most likely never meet the other, and you certainly won't meet the last one. It's like, I put myself out there and try to seem like some total hot, mysterious guy and every girl like, goes for it, and I fall for them without even wanting to. That's how it started with you," Eli paused, and took another drag on his cigarette. "You were so stupidly innocent and I felt like… compelled to corrupt you in some sort of way. You were all beautiful and starry-eyed and so naïve. It was so easy. It was _too _fucking easy and I thought it was going to be a one night sort of thing and then we had sex, and I got attached. I got attached to you and now instead of corrupting you, I'm compelled to stay by your side for as long as I'll get to. You fucked up my brain chemistry.

"Like, all the girls I dated, it was like they all began with me corrupting them and turning them into some fucking wild card girl or something. And yeah, I did that to you. I totally did because before you were wearing clothes that covered you up, and now your tits are like always falling out of your shirt and you make all the boys want to fuck you. Your hair is always like perfectly curled until the end of the night when it's a total mess because I had my fingers running through it, and your lips are stained red and you wear enough eye makeup for two girls. And God, I'm so attracted to you. And I'm really glad you're so drunk right now because I don't think you can hear me, or that you'll remember any of this in the morning. Fuck, I'm not even going to remember it in the morning. Which is a good thing, by the way. You'll like blacking out. Mostly because you won't have to worry about what bad things happen to you, because nothing bad will happen to you. Because I'll keep you safe. God, you're so sexy." Eli's hand that was wrapped around my waist, slid up my body, and suddenly grasped my breast for a moment, causing a subtle gasp to fall from my lips. And then he let his hand fall, as if he had never done the action in the first place.

He sighed, and I noticed him putting his cigarette out on his arm as he always did, and reached for mine to do the same. I always hated that he did that. I always thought it would hurt so badly, but he seemed to be immune to the pain. "I suck at relationships, and that's why I don't think we could ever be together, Clare Diana. I only had one girlfriend, and the rest of the girls I fell in love with were never really mine. Well, Imogen always liked to believe we were together and she paraded around Ventura saying she was my girlfriend, but we never really were official. After my one girlfriend, after what happened to her – I don't date. I just don't. I'm afraid of what happened to her will happen to other girls. I'm afraid it will happen to you, even though you, Clare Diana, are a complete opposite to her. You're youthful, and spirited, and excited about everything. She was a dead-beat, drama loving, conniving little bitch. And I don't mean like theatrics drama, I mean she liked to cause drama between myself and everyone else. She hated the Fantastic Four. She hated me, most of the time. But she stayed with me because sometimes she said I was the only good thing she had in her life. She had really dark black hair and she liked to hook up with other boys to see my reaction. But I don't know why because my reaction was always the same. She was a total bitch but I couldn't say no to her. I can't say no to you either, you know. I can't tell if that's a good thing or a bad thing. Then again you've never given me a reason to say no to you.

"Except for when you tried to go come into my house. I had to say no then. That's when I actually had to seem like the hot, mysterious guy because I can't let you in there. I can't let you in there because your entire opinion of me will be changed. You'll think I'm a maniac or something. Okay, maniac isn't the right word but you won't like me anymore. I hate being there. I hate my house. I hate everything about that fucking place."

"Then don't go home." I whispered, nuzzling my head into Eli's neck and placing a few stray kisses against his skin. I always loved his taste. "Spend the night with me. Live with me in my closet and never go home. Stay here."

Eli hummed, and I could feel his head turning to look up at my bedroom window. I wondered if he was considering it. Considering coming to stay with me up in my bedroom and my father would never find out about him. He could stay away from his fucked up home and live with me forever. "You're tired, aren't you." Eli said softly to me. I could feel his breath tickling my ear.

"Yeah. Exhausted." I even found myself yawning at his words without warning. He chuckled, straightening up a bit.

"I'll spend the night. Let's get you up to bed." Eli whispered, and I nodded drunkenly as he helped me back into my bedroom window, and helped me change my clothes. I wasn't even nervous anymore. I loved him looking at me. He dressed me in an oversized t-shirt, and I noticed him crawling into bed beside me in just his boxers. He kissed my neck, and I wanted him to sleep with me. Like, sleep with me sleep with me right then and there, but Eli wouldn't allow it. "Clare, I have to tell you something."

"What?" I whispered, dozing off for a moment, trying to keep myself awake to listen to him.

"Are you listening?"

"Yes, Eli." I smiled, and he kissed my lips.

"I'm in love with you."

I fell asleep.

I fell asleep and the worst part was, I didn't remember any of anything in the morning.


	8. Plague

**A/N:** Surprise I updated like two days later! Only because I was struck with genius like Friday night after I posted chapter seven and I just had to write like a speedy gonzolas and somehow whipped it all up today. There might be a few mistakes but eh I doubt it, there's always a few mistakes here and there and none of you notice them so hah. And also, surprise, I freaking love this chapter. Like this is my favourite one of all of them. And it's like, the story is finally kicking in now and you'll understand soon EEEK okay enjoy it, and happy New Year to all of you! And this chapter goes out to Degrassi-love3 because she's fantastic I adore her.

**Rating:** Surprisingly this chapter is only bad because they swear a lot but when don't they swear a lot let's be real.

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Degrassi just the pancake mix.

* * *

"They fake sincerity. Thy gifts don't give to me. Now you've been anointed. They've been asking for it."_** Plague | Crystal Castles**_

The next morning was a Saturday. Saturday's my father went to the school at eleven to work on his lesson plans for the week, and he often came in to say good morning to me. And this morning was no different. I was awoken by the jiggling of the door handle, and the knocking on my bedroom door. I quickly sat up, banging my head on the slanted wall and covered my mouth to keep myself from screaming in pain.

"Clare, are you awake? It's nearly eleven." My father's voice said from behind the door. My eyes caught on to Eli sleeping beside me, curled up in the blankets and his arm around my waist. I shook Eli's shoulders, trying to wake him up as fast as I could, even with my head pounding like someone had hit me with a rock. I couldn't remember a thing. I barely had any knowledge of how Eli had even ended up in my bed – not that I really cared.

"Eli!" I whisper-shouted, waking him from his slumber to make a soft groan come out of his lips.

"What…" he grumbled, pulling the blankets over his head to shield himself from the light pouring in from my bedroom window that was left wide open. How was the window open, again? I pulled the blankets off of his face and he finally caught view of my terrified expression.

"My dad!" I mumbled, as his voice went on again trying to see if I was awake so he could say goodbye.

Eli's eyes grew wide, as he quickly struggled to get out from the blankets and underneath my bed. I didn't even have to tell him to do so; he just instinctively went underneath my bed to hide from my father. I always knew Eli was smart in some ways. I scampered over towards the door, my head feeling as if people were doing roadwork on it. I opened up the door, and rubbed my eyes a little, not noticing the excess eye shadow slipping off onto my hand as I did so.

"Hi daddy." I whispered, yawning a little. "Sorry, I guess I overslept."

"It's all right, princess." Randall smiled, and I mentally scowled to myself. "Why are you wearing makeup?" he asked, and I could nearly feel my heart dropping into my stomach as my mind reeled for excuses.

"Oh yeah, I um, I was uh… watching makeup tutorials last night and I guess I just forgot to take it off…" I lied, but he bought it, flashing me a smile and raising a hand to ruffle my already messy hair with. "Have fun at the school today, dad." I half smiled, suddenly feeling my stomach giving way as if I was about to puke. "I'll just be… here. Doing Clare stuff." I had almost said doing Clare _Diana _stuff, but I knew that would have set him off, so I kept it to myself, desperately trying to end the conversation before I puked all over his fine Italian shoes.

My dad smiled, and nodded his head one more time. "There's microwave waffles in the freezer if you want some." He told me before pressing a kiss to my cheek and walking down the hallway. "I can pick up pizza for dinner later if you want." He waved his hand back at me, and I yelled a _sure, thanks_ as he left, and then slammed the door behind me.

"Bucket." I ordered, and Eli obeyed, sliding the silver bucket that I kept under my bed for occasions like these to me. I quickly picked it up, and collapsed on the ground in a puking mess. "Oh, God." I groaned, wiping my mouth for a moment. "I bet you don't think I'm sexy like this." I muttered before going for a second round. "This is why you don't stay overnight. What the fuck happened last night, anyway?"

"We went to _The Neighbourhood _show at Immy's last night. That's all I remember." Eli replied, getting out from under the bed and looking out the window to listen for my father's car driving away. "That, and clearly the fact we got wasted. How did we even get home last night, we must have been so plastered if we can't remember anything that happened."

"I remember sitting on the roof but that's it. And I remember dancing. And I remember –"

"Oh, we had sex." Eli answered, chuckling to himself and then stopping as he placed a hand to his forehead in agony. "I've got a video."

"We made a sex tape?!" I screeched, as Eli played the video back and turned his cell phone to me. I could faintly see from across the room myself, in a bra, declaring how I wanted to thank the academy and vodka for whatever the hell I was thanking them for. "I'm going to kill myself. I'm literally going to kill myself."

"Chill, Clare Diana, I can delete it." Eli grumbled. "That's why they invented a delete button."

"Did you send it to anyone?" I asked.

"No."

"Did you –"

"No."

"I didn't even say anything yet."

"Chill." Eli said again. I couldn't tell for a moment if he genuinely wanted me to chill out, or if he was annoyed by the way I was acting. I slid the bucket away from myself and brought my knees to my chest. I felt naked, or something. Eli had never been there to encounter me after a night of getting high or drunk or whatever we would do, so he would never have to deal with aggravated, agitated me. And I never wanted him to have to deal with it. So now that he was, I felt slightly bad. Eli didn't seem to pay much mind to it though, as he picked up his jeans and shuffled through his back pocket for his cigarettes and lighter. He didn't offer me one; instead, he just threw me a cigarette, and the lighter second. And then I saw his face going pale. Like he had seen a ghost, or that he was about to throw up again. "Uh, did we use a condom last night?" he asked, and I shrugged.

"How should I remember?"

"Well, I always keep five in my pack, and there's five here." Eli's tone was worried, as he quickly dumped his cigarettes onto my small shag space carpet, along with the five condoms falling out of his package. "One, two, three, four, five." He counted, and it was easy to tell that he was freaking out. I, on the other hand, was as cool as a cucumber. Mostly because I knew something that he didn't. I'd been on the pill for weeks now. After I realized that mine and Eli's sexual relationship wasn't about to end anytime soon, I went to Planned Parenthood or whatever and got free birth control. And this very moment here, was the reason why I had done it in the first place. "Why aren't you freaking out? You could be fucking pregnant!" Eli exclaimed, and I rolled my eyes.

"Chill, Eli Goldsworthy." I mimicked. "I'm on the pill."

His expression softened, and he let out a shallow breath of relief. Like everything had just been cleared with those words. "I wish you would have said something earlier before I nearly had a panic attack over it, God." Eli scowled. I lit up my cigarette, and threw the lighter back his way. "You scared the living shit out of me. Don't do that again."

"Sorry." I whispered, and took a few breaths of my cigarette. I felt bad, and I felt sick, and I felt as if I just wanted to crawl in a ball and die. "Why can't I remember _anything_ from last night?" I asked, and Eli smiled a little, bringing his cigarette to his lips.

"You blacked out. I blacked out too, just not as much as you did, I guess. It happens. You usually just brownout but I guess we got really hammered last night. Well, clearly we got really hammered last night because you're puking up a storm." Eli laughed a little, and I scowled in response.

"Yeah. How come you aren't?" I asked him.

"I'm used to this. You're talking to a guy that has spent his entire high school career fucking himself over with alcohol and drugs and shit." Eli stopped speaking for a moment and then suddenly threw his cell phone across the room at me, it landing on the carpet as I picked it up. "Go through the pictures. They're kind of cute." I looked up at him, noticing the slight smile on his lips. Then I looked down at his cell phone, seeing a picture of myself looking completely ridiculous, making a stupid face and you could see how wrecked I was by the way my eyes glistened in the flash. Eli obviously could see the horrified look on my face, because he said: "Look at all of them."

So I did. I scrolled through the pictures on his cell phone, my expression changing after the third or fourth one. Eli got up, and told me that he was going to go look for something to eat, so I let him as I continued to look at them all. There were about twenty, awkwardly cute pictures of the two of us lying on a bed – I presumed Imogen's, considering Eli had said that's where we had been – and then I stumbled upon the video. My stomach grew queasy as I watched it. _I'd like to thank the academy! And Eli Goldsworthy for getting me so drunk right now. And Canada! And sex! And lipstick! And… vodka and… Eli Goldsworthy!_ I threw up again, grabbing the bucket and dropping Eli's cell phone and the cigarette onto the ground. The video continued to play, and as I wiped my mouth, I noticed the view of the camera focused on the ceiling as you could hear me screaming and cursing and I felt queasy all over again. I never wanted to know how awkward I'd sound during sex. But now I knew.

But I guess it wasn't _that _bad. At least we hadn't filmed ourselves doing the whole ordeal. It was just the ceiling. I picked the cigarette up from the floor and threw it into the bucket of vomit and watched the video of the ceiling, waiting to see how it would end. There had to be a point when Eli would pick up his phone and realize that it was still recording and I knew him well enough to say some witty comment at the end. And I was right, because as I saw topless me saying goodnight to the camera, I actually laughed. It was cute. I couldn't believe I was saying that, but it was cute.

"Clare," I heard Eli calling for me from downstairs, "come here!"

So I slipped out my bedroom door and found myself tip-toeing for my own good down the stairs to see Eli in the kitchen, in only his boxers, holding a box of pancake mix and milk in his hands. I furrowed my eyebrows, standing in the doorway between the kitchen and the living room. I didn't understand. Was I supposed to understand? I rubbed my eyes and he laughed lightly.

"Your dad lied about the microwave waffles." He said quietly, and then I saw that one crooked smile he had been holding from me for a long time. I missed it. "So I thought we could make chocolate chip pancakes."

"I don't know how to make pancakes." I said.

"C'mere. I'll teach you." Eli placed the milk down on the counter, and held his hand out towards me. I reached for him, slightly confused, yet totally swooning inside over this whole scenario. Eli Goldsworthy wanted to cook food with me. Breakfast food with me. I'd never seen a side of him like this before, and I loved it. I smiled softly and whispered to him:

"This is new for you."

"It's not really," he said back to me. He had lowered his head to my ear, and his tone was soft and I didn't know why we were whispering, but it was adorable nonetheless. "You have never just seen me like this. You will though. You'll see me like this a lot now." I didn't understand what any of this meant, but I didn't ask any questions. I didn't want to have to hear the answer right away. I was actually… okay, with waiting to figure things out. He quickly pulled away from the almost-embrace we were sporting, and then loudly proclaimed: "All right, let's cook!"

I'd never suspected Eli would be one to cook. I'd never suspect that Eli Goldsworthy would do anything homey, or romantic in the sense that, we were like a married couple. We were dancing around the kitchen, and Eli as being strangely touchy-feely with me. Of course, he always was. But this was different. Like instead of him constantly trying to put his hands on me to touch my body in sexual sort of ways, he was acting _completely different. _He would brush past me, just to feel our skin touch for a brief moment. He would take my hand and spin me around the kitchen. This was a side of Eli that I never thought I would be meeting. But I liked it. Pushing aside his mysterious ways and replacing it with a cutesy sort of sense was nice. Refreshing, even. He spun me around, and pulled me into his arms for a moment, and our chests were touching, and we could feel each other breathing, and we were staring into each other's eyes, and Eli said:

"I got lucky, meeting you."

"No, I did." I said back to him.

I could feel his heartbeat against me, and I noticed how it was beating irregularly fast. Like he was nervous. But he smiled through it, and breathed in and out through his nose. He changed our position, and slid his arm around my shoulders and walked us over to the stove where he flipped a pancake with his left hand, which I thought was pretty impressive. He kissed my forehead, and even through the disgusting hangover-y feeling I had, I felt something completely different at the same time. It was… happiness. I was happy. Like, truly happy. Like a kid getting roller-skates for their birthday, and their party had a huge bouncy house and everyone came to their party. I had never felt such happiness before, and I never wanted it to go away. But I knew better than to let this happiness get the better of me. I knew it would eventually drift away and I'd feel miserable all over again. Like how my father constantly ruined things. I knew he probably would do it again.

Eli plated the pancakes on red ceramic plates up in my cupboards and gave each of us a stack of pancakes three pancakes high. He drenched them in classic Mrs. Butterworth's syrup and a slice of butter in between each layer. It was like he had been planning this in his head, or as if he had done it before. He was too good the be true. We sat down at the little table in the living room area, and Eli pretended to say some sort of fake grace over our meal to the gods of rock and roll, and then each of us dug in like animals.

"You're a pretty fantastic chef." I complimented him, my mouth full of his buttery, delicious pancakes.

"Much better than microwave waffles." He smiled, and I found myself laughing at his pancake filled mouth as well. We laughed, and fed each other, and grinned, and died over how delicious they tasted. Maybe it was the fact that my stomach was begging for something to fill it after me vomiting four or five times, or maybe it really _was _amazing. Or maybe Eli Goldsworthy was just amazing. "You make a pretty cute assistant, Clare Diana."

"Oh yeah? You should get a _kiss the cook _apron so I could kiss the cook whenever I want." I beamed.

"I should. Then you can kiss me all the fucking time. Oh wait, you always do that."

I finished the last bite of my last pancake, and I noticed that Eli was barely finished with his second. I always knew I was a fast eater, but for some reason this surprised me. And once he noticed that he had fallen behind me, Eli picked up his pace, quickly finishing off his second and third pancake in a matter of ten or so large bites. He smiled up at me through hazy eyes, and I picked up his plate to clean it off in the kitchen. I still felt like a mess, but for some reason, breakfast with Eli picked me up, like it was medicine or something. I heard his footsteps coming into the kitchen, and as I was washing off the dishes, I could feel his arms wrapping around my waist, and a kiss being placed on the top of my hair.

"Do you have plans for today?" he asked, and I shook my head. I had plans to lie around and shake off the hangover, but if Eli Goldsworthy had something else in mind, then I would gladly oblige. "Every second Saturday of the month the Fantastic Four and I get together and do like, a meeting sort of thing. And I want to like, uh… initiate you into our… club, sort of thing. It's not a big deal. So if you want to… you could be part of the Fantastic Four."

"Wouldn't that make it the Fantastic Six? I mean, there are five of you already. I never understood that name." I turned around, my back leaning against the sink and wrapping my arms around Eli's neck as he leaned down to look at me. I could _still _feel his heart nervously beating in his chest, and I wondered what was causing that. Was it me? He had no reason to be nervous around me.

"Well when I say it, it's like, The Fantastic Four a_nd I _so it just… it… it makes sense, okay?" Eli laughed a little, and his hand reached up to push some curls out of my eyes. "You don't have to."

"So, is it like, a gang or something?" I asked, and Eli shook his head, snorting a little.

"No, I told you. It's like… a club, or whatever. It's really not a big deal; I just thought you would like to be thought of as part of our group or something." It looked as if Eli's smile was fading as he spoke to me, like he thought I was going to say no, and that me saying no actually _was _a big deal. But I gave him a reassuring smile, and nodded.

"I'd love to." I told him, but I held up a finger. "Only, let me shower first."

…

It was just ever-so convenient that my father had texted me to let me know he would be home at six for dinner with Domino's pizza and _Pitch Perfect_ from Blockbuster. That gave us four hours or so. I suppose that when I was in the shower, Eli had gotten dressed, and called the Fantastic Four to let them know about my new 'initiation' into the group, and to meet them in Wonderland at two o'clock in the afternoon. That day, I decided not to care much about my looks, leaving my hair half blow-dried and I wore a baggy sweatshirt so I could shield my face from the sun. If you've never had a hangover before, the sun is like, your worst enemy. And even if it is eighty degrees out, you tough it out and wear a sweat shirt for the sake of keeping your skin from the sun. It's like your few hours of feeling like a vampire.

I wore a t-shirt underneath though, knowing once I got to Wonderland it would be shady enough for me to take it off. And surprisingly, Eli didn't do the same as me. He slugged on the clothes he had worn the night before, ignoring me when I offered him one of my father's sweat shirts. Then again, I should have expected him to turn it down. It was Randall's, for fucks sake.

"What kinds of things happen at _initiation_?" I asked as we walked towards the hearse that Eli had parked up the street. Eli must have known that my father went down the street when he left for work. Eli looked over at me, and I noticed him squinting his eyes at me in agony. "I told you to wear a hood."

"Nah. I'm a man. I'll tough it out." He said to me, wrapping his arm around my shoulders and pulling me close to him. "Don't overthink it. And as weird as it might be, just go with it. Because if you don't, Katie's going to flip her shit and I hate when that happens. She hates when I try to bring girls into The Fantastic Four."

"But… she's a girl."

Eli nodded. "She's dating Adam, so it's different. And Bianca and Fitz are secretly like, in love with each other so that's why Bianca's allowed."

"But wouldn't it make sense for you to bring a girl too, then?" I asked, and Eli shook his head, and reached for the car door, opening it to let me inside. And right before he closed it, he said:

"I don't usually stay with the same girl for too long."

And then the door shut and then I was left to think about what he had said and how unsettling it felt in my stomach. I mean, sure, he probably had brutal breakups with… whoever he had dated, and so that's why the girls would leave and he would replace them. But I was different, right? He always thought I was different, with his being able to trust me, and be honest with me, I felt like he thought I was different. And I was also different in the sense that I'd be leaving at the end of the summer, and he would have to find a new girl to corrupt and I would just have to accept it. It was his cycle.

Eli and I were quiet on the ride to Wonderland. And he didn't play music that made it possible for me to sing along with. Just his usual _Nirvana_ that made me nervous around him. I didn't know why it made me nervous, but it did. At least with _The Clash _I had some sort of comfort to know what the lyrics were and that we could sing together. I always liked that. But this time was painfully different. And he took the long way to get to Wonderland, too. So it was even more agonizing sitting next to him in utter, awkward silence than it could have been. I mustered up some form of courage and said shyly:

"You made an exception for me."

And he didn't say anything for a moment. And I didn't expect him to say anything. But then Eli surprised me. He always surprised me.

"You are different."

And that was all he said. And neither of us said anything else to each other, we just left it at that. It was nice.

When we arrived at Wonderland, Eli did his typical opening my door and helping me out of the hearse, and then wrapping his arm around me as we walked towards the little circle of tree stumps. He slid his hand into my back pocket, and I couldn't help myself but fight a smile.

"Hey, Just Clare!" Adam called from his stump, waving over at Eli and I as we approached the circle. Everyone looked the same as I had always seen them, and though we had only met together at Wonderland as a group two or three times, they acted as if I had been around many more times than that. "Are you ready to become part of the Fantastic Four?" he asked me, and I smiled.

"You should probably come up with a new name, you know." I commented, and Katie rolled her eyes.

"We tried the first two times, but after Eli loses all his girls we decided not to bother ever changing the name." Katie spat, and I looked down at my sneakers. I didn't understand why Katie was always so mean to me. She didn't know who I was or anything, so she couldn't have held the father story against me. I just never really understood, but I sure as hell put up with her bitchiness ninety percent of the time.

"Shut the fuck up, Katie." Eli barked, "You're such a fucking bitch. I created Wonderland. I created The Fantastic Four. If it wasn't for me, you never would have fucking met Adam or Bianca or Fitz so just shut your fucking mouth." I was secretly longing to interject and tell Eli that it was fine, and that I really didn't mind Katie's actions towards me.

"Ooh, look at Eli trying to take charge." Bianca laughed a little, and I could tell that she was kidding, but Eli clearly didn't.

"You too, Bianca." Eli yelled, and I gently placed my hand on his chest to calm him down. He looked at me, and we both exchanged these looks. It calmed him down, and mellowed me out as well. "Okay, let's just get this over with." Eli grumbled, and for a second I felt as if Eli didn't actually _want _me as a part of his group. "You got the needle, Adam?" I froze.

"Yeah, and Fitz has the book and the pen and shit."

Eli walked towards the group, and sat down on the log, but I stood dead in my tracks, replaying the word _needle _over and over again. He said it wasn't going to be a big deal but it was beginning to start feeling like a big deal.

"C'mon, Clare Diana." Eli waved his hand over towards me, gesturing that I follow and join the group, but I couldn't move. Like my feet were glued to the leafy ground.

"I think you scared her with the word needle." Bianca joked, and I almost nodded in agreement. But then I had remembered what Eli had told me before we had gotten into the car. That Katie was going to flip her shit, and that it wasn't exactly the most entertaining thing to watch. So I slowly, walked towards the log, and as I sat down beside Eli, they all crowded around me, with big devious grins on their faces and I thought I was about to pass out.

Their little 'needle' process wasn't as bad as I had originally thought. They had a book, and the cover was made of leather, and scratched into the leather was the words _The Fantastic Four._ But the needle wasn't for scratching in another name or anything into the cover. The needle was to take a prick of blood from my thumb and to get a thumb print of my blood on a page of the book. My page, at the top written in a feather ink pen said _JUST CLARE_ and underneath was my bloody thumb print. Eli had flipped through other pages to show me all the other girls who had left and their pages. What everyone else was supposed to do was to add something to the page. Like write something funny they had said or a quality about the way they looked. So if something happened to them, or they did leave, they could remember them _by the book. _I thought it was kind of stupid, but I held my tongue.

The finger prick part hurt, and Eli had failed to tell me until afterwards that everyone used the same needle and that they never washed it and that he had hand sanitizer in the hearse. But I think the worst part of it all, was them sitting there on their stumps, and staring at me while I sat alone on the log. They passed along the feather pen and the book, and each of them stared at me and wrote something down. I wasn't allowed to look at what they had said, and for some reason, because of Katie's mistreatment towards me, I didn't want to know. And then it was all over, Fitz closed up the book, gave me a half sort of smile, and nodded his head.

"So we'll see you on Wednesday, then." He said.

"Yeah, Wednesday!" Bianca said cheerfully, and it was then that I realized then that something had changed throughout the group. It was like that… now that I was one of them; they weren't going to be so horrible to me. Katie smiled more, and Fitz didn't glare as much (I said as much, he still glared quite often). And Bianca didn't act as if I was the gum underneath her shoe. She and Katie even gave me a hug before Eli and I left.

"Welcome to the Fantastic Four, Just Clare." Katie said as her boyfriend wrapped his arm around her waist. They looked happy. And for a moment, I could see almost happiness radiating off of everyone.

"So… what do the Fantastic Four do anyway?" I asked, and everyone laughed. They laughed as if my question was totally pathetic, and for a moment I was brought back to my first day in California and when I asked Eli a question, he laughed. And I couldn't tell if the feeling was refreshing or disgusting.

"You'll see!" Katie beamed, nodding her head a few times. I watched as Fitz put his arm around Bianca's shoulders, and then Eli did the same for me. I always liked the feeling of his arms around my shoulders holding me close to him. "You'll see on Wednesday!" And then they sent us off. Eli took my hand and we walked through the woodsy area back to the hearse. It seemed to have all happened so fast, and when I looked at the clock inside the hearse, I noticed how that had only killed barely forty-five minutes. And I wondered why it all happened so fast.

"That was easy." I said softly as Eli looked over his shoulder and through the tinted back window of the hearse to find his way back to the road. "When you said initiation, I thought it was going to be a bigger deal, or something." I shuffled through the glove compartment and then asked: "Where's the hand sanitizer?"

"Under the seat."

So I looked underneath the seat and then cleaned the thumb prick they had left me. Eli was quiet again, but it wasn't an awkward silence anymore. There was this look on his face, like he was happy. I stared at him, and once we had gotten a far enough distance away from Wonderland, and the rest of the Fantastic Four, Eli parked the car and looked back at me.

"What?" he asked. He was trying to make his tone sound annoyed, but the smile on his face proved otherwise.

"Thanks." I whispered, and Eli gave me an almost puzzled expression.

"What for?"

"Introducing me to your friends; wanting me to be a part of your group. I've never really felt like that before. Especially not with Jake." I told him, and Eli smirked a bit, and unbuckled his seat belt to turn towards me.

"After hearing all this shit about your ex-boyfriend, I don't think I like him very much."

I smiled. "I don't either."

Eli leaned slowly forward towards me. I closed my eyes, because I could feel a kiss brimming on the horizon. But as I felt his cold hand touch my cheek, my eyes shot open again to look at him. He was just staring at me. Up close and personal, staring at me. I felt… almost _loved _for a moment. But I knew it couldn't be love. Eli didn't love anything. Yet he had been treating me this way all day long. The breakfast, the subtle touches that weren't even half sexual, just ways that we could be close to each other in a completely different way. He just looked at me. In the same manor I had been looking at him before. I leaned into his hand, and my lips kissed the open palm that was not completely cupping my cheek.

But then he slowly moved away, and I tried not to sigh at the loss.

"I like this. This thing we have." Eli said, and I nodded, securing that I agreed with him. "I'm sorry if they made you uncomfortable or something. They showed you the other fingerprints and they were trying to get you to change your mind. They're picky like that. It isn't that they don't like you, they were just testing you."

I nodded again, that made sense. They were just being horrible to me to see if I could withstand it all. I smiled a little, it all beginning to click in my head. "Were they serious though? That you lost all the other girls you brought into the group?" I asked.

"Yeah." Eli shrugged his shoulders, as if it was no big deal. "It's okay though. I've got you now."

I opened my mouth, because originally I had something else in mind to say, but I couldn't bring myself to say it anymore. To remind him that I would be leaving at the end of the summer. Maybe he was hoping that I would convince my father to let me stay here, or something. And I had thought about it a few times, but it all seemed pointless. My father knew it would be because of Eli, no matter how much I might try to prove that that wasn't true to him. Even though, it was obvious that it was.

"Thanks." I said again, and Eli fought a smile.

"What for?" he asked again, and I unbuckled my seatbelt, and moved over close towards him. I leaned my head against his arm and whispered softly:

"For finding me."


	9. Vanished

**A/N:** I just want everyone to know before I post it that I'm really not happy with the way this chapter turned out. So I'm sorry if it seems totally rushed ((because, it is.)) or that I'm unplugged for it or some other cliche that expresses that I was not in my head when I wrote this chapter. It was like, i totally was imagining THE perfect chapter but it didn't come out that way. Lot's of drama went on in my life and omg I don't want to go into it and it's not really an excuse but it is and so if you guys hate this chapter I feel you. It's just what happened on Wednesday. And I could have/should have/wish i had written it the way I had imagined in my head, but this is the best I could puke out for you guys. Thank you all for the reviews and follows and favourites because you're all amazing and I love you all to the moon and back! :) I promise next chapter it will be way better! Cross my heart and stick a needle in my eye that jazz.

**Rating:** Literally I think they kiss twice in this chapter. That means boo there's no smut I'm sorry love me.

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Degrassi but I do own an air-horn. I also don't own the song lyrics by _The Neighbourhood_ which you should listen to.

* * *

"In the dark , we come out and play. We are its children, and were here to stay. Running through, hungry for strays. No invitation, take me away." _**Vanished | Crystal** **Castles**_

Every night until Wednesday, and even every night after that, I'd find Eli Goldsworthy sneaking into my bedroom at seven or eight. He would crawl through my window, and sometimes scare the living daylights out of me, because I would be downstairs getting a glass of water, or whatever I was getting – and when I would return he would be sitting on my bed acting as if he was totally welcome. Then again, he totally was. And the first night, when I asked him why he was here, he shrugged his shoulders and said to me:

"You said that I could."

But I didn't remember telling him he could stay in my room and 'live in my closet' which he apparently quoted me on. But I _really _didn't remember any of this. I didn't doubt him, though. Because I kind of liked the idea of him secretly living in my bedroom with me. My father didn't even question it. Because he would slip in after my father would stop caring, and in the morning he would go into my closet until my father would leave for work. I didn't know where Eli kept his hearse, but I supposed it was up the street like he had parked it that Saturday. And then every morning, he would kiss me goodbye and tell me he would see me later that night when he would return. I much liked this new schedule we had come up with, and I didn't have to ask or say anything, but I felt treasured by him. Like, maybe he was treating me differently than he had any other girl.

And then, when Wednesday night did come, Eli slipped in a little later than usual. I sat in my room, waiting for him, as I usually did when it was between seven and eight. He didn't come until around nine, which, at first, worried me when the clock struck eight-thirty and he wasn't in my bedroom kissing me until I went crazy. But when he did show, he popped his head in through the window, and grinned. His grin faded, though, when he saw that I was in pajamas, hair pinned back in a ponytail and makeup removed. And then he opens his mouth and he says to me:

"It's Wednesday!"

He says it as if I've completely forgotten. I haven't forgotten though, on the contrary, I knew exactly what day it was because ever since I heard Fitz and Katie and Bianca were all excited about Wednesday,_ I_ was excited about Wednesday. But I wasn't given any instruction about it, and when Eli said _It's Wednesday! _as if I've forgotten, I'm almost upset about it.

"Yes, I know its Wednesday." I answer, and he groans.

"Get ready! We have to go!"

He crawled down off of the trash can, and when I looked out my window, he was sitting on the concrete, his back against the fence that separated my side yard and the neighbours side yard. And then I can see, even from all the way up here, this look in his eyes that is telling me to hurry the fuck up because now we're going to be late. Because Eli Goldsworthy didn't tell me to get dressed and ready for tonight. But I quickly slipped on a purple sundress and sneakers and I slip out the window and onto the trash can. Eli smiled, and I can't tell if it's because he's looking up my dress, or if it's because I took maybe two minutes to get down from there.

"I look like shit." I grumble, and Eli gave my lips a quick peck.

"Shut up, you're gorgeous."

Eli slid his arm around my shoulders, and I didn't know why, but I always loved that the most. It was better than cutesy hand-holding, or his arm around my waist. It was like he was protecting me when his arm was around my shoulders. But he never needed to protect me. No one ever tried to get in our way. Eli parked his hearse in front of the neighbours driveway, and we quickly escaped to Wonderland. Eli told me in the car ride over there that this 'meeting' or whatever was to plot together the shit that would be going down in Ventura. I didn't understand that, though. And when I asked, he refused to tell me. He said that, I'd find out when we got there. And then he turned up his music to drown out anything I could say or think.

I'd grown used to Morty. It's cigarette stench and the feeling of the seats and how the springs squeaked when you went over a speed bump. I liked Morty. And I didn't just say I 'liked Morty' because it was a good place for a hookup every once and a while (and don't get me wrong, it was,) but it was a genuinely nice car. I could imagine Eli and I driving away and getting lost somewhere in this hearse. One time, Eli had even called it _our _hearse and that got to me. The idea of it being specially just ours, made my stomach feel like it had a hundred butterflies inside. When we arrived at Wonderland the same way we always did, Eli grasped my hand and dragged me through the trees in a quick manner. He was upset that I had made us late, most likely.

"Look who decided to show up!" Bianca sneered, holding up a bottle of her favourite, Skyy. "Took you guys long enough. We thought we might start planning without you two."

"I said you wouldn't even show up, you two were too busy fucking each other to even remember what day it was." Katie added, and I felt my cheeks turning a bright red colour.

"It's, Friday, right?" Eli joked, leading me towards the log and snagging Bianca's alcohol on the way over. "I'm so fucking excited, what's the plan for this year?" Eli asked, taking a swig of the bottle and handing it over to me.

"Spray paint, stink bombs – the usual." Adam shrugged his shoulders. I opened my mouth to ask what everyone was speaking about, but was instantly cut off before I could even let a word out. "We're thinking rubber ducks this year."

"Rubber ducks?" Eli snorted.

"Yeah man. Rubber ducks in Ventura's pool? Wouldn't that be hilarious?"

Eli shrugged his shoulders, and then nodded his head in agreement. "Come to think of it, that does sound good. And dye the water –"

"Pink!" Katie chimed in. "That's what I said! Dye the pool pink!"

I raised my hand slightly into the air. "Um, could someone please tell me what's going on?" All eyes turned to me, and though I expected skeptical, judging, looks – everyone smiled.

"It's a Fantastic Four legacy, we terrorize all the high schools and Pierpont –"

"The rich part." Eli interrupted Fitz as he spoke.

"Right, the rich part." Fitz continued. "And we sit back and watch the fun begin."

I nodded, taking in what they were saying. "So, you guys are like… Project Mayhem from _Fight Club_?" I suggested, and for a moment it looked almost as if they were pondering it to see if it all added up.

"Yeah, kind of." Bianca agreed. "I'd say we should call it that, but this is our last year doing this thing."

"Enough of this bullshit," Fitz muttered. I noticed him lighting up a joint and sticking it into his mouth. It reminded me of when Eli had told me about how Fitz had always tried to get Eli to smoke marijuana, but he wouldn't. I couldn't tell if I liked that or not. "We only have tonight to plan. And I want this to be the best year yet. Otherwise what other mark have we left on this fucking shit hole?"

Adam raised his hand. "Uh, I carved mine and Katie's names into a tree. I left that mark."

"Trees can be cut down." Bianca retorted, causing Adam to slump back in defeat. "Since we have a sixth member this year we could do like, group missions. Two and two and two." She suggested, suddenly snagging the bottle from my hands since I wasn't doing anything else with it.

"Yeah but then we'd have to leave out a high school." Eli noted.

"Well, I know for sure we're not leaving out Ventura. And not fucking Pacific, those pretentious douche bags deserve it every year." Fitz argued, and I noticed the whole group nodding in agreement. I never really knew there are any other schools in Ventura besides the one my father worked at, but apparently there were four. Pacific, Ventura, Foothill and Buena. And after several minutes of arguing, the group had decided to leave out Foothill because Foothill had really never done anything to any of them. Except, Bianca mentioned, that some guy sold her a tab of LSD laced with heroin and she almost died. But then she laughed it off and said: _fuck it, I'm alive, aren't I?_

I never really looked at doing drugs or getting totally wasted with Eli in a way like that. That there might be some form of danger staring me down like the barrels of a gun. Perhaps I just trusted Eli far too much to keep me one hundred percent safe and sound. But thinking about how Bianca had almost died from a twisted pill, gave me the chills. What if something like that happened to me? What if _I almost died? _

"Okay, so it's settled then. Bee and I will take Ventra –"

"No, no I want Ventura." Eli interrupted. I noticed that there was a lot of interrupting tonight.

Fitz groaned. "Okay, fine. You and Just Clare take Ventura. Bee and I can take Pacific and K' and Adam can take Buena. Then we'll all meet back at Pierpont to fuck up that place. Starting with the Milligan's this year." Bianca made a sort of _whoop! _sound in agreement, and everyone else mostly smiled. "Now all we have to do is discuss the pranks. So… do we have any new ideas?"

…

It was extremely dark that night, and almost hard for my eyes to adjust to the light, but there was a street light maybe ten or twenty feet away, so I kept my eyes on it. Eli didn't say a word, like talking was going to fuck up the mission or something. And it's not even really like a "mission" it's more or less just some kids thinking they're reckless. I wished I had given this more thought. Maybe joining The Fantastic Four wasn't such a good idea. I was nervous as hell, and when Eli coughed, I nearly jumped. Getting caught wasn't even my worst fear. My worst fear was one of us getting hurt. Mostly because I had never climbed a fence in my life and the idea of it made my stomach churn. But then, we could get caught. And if we did get caught, I'd be dead.

Eli threw the bag over the fence, and then held his hands together and bent his knees. "Go on, then. Jump up." He said, and I bit my lip.

"I don't know about this..." I mumbled.

"I've done it like, a hundred times. It's a Fantastic Four tradition to prank the high schools and Pierpont." He assured me, but I was still skeptic.

"So how many times have you been caught?"

"Once," Eli admits, and he shrugged it off as if it was no big deal. "It was just Fiona, and she was too busy having lesbian sex with Imogen to realize what was going on, anyway." There's a hint of bitterness in Eli's voice, and my fantasy of the previous Imogen/Eli relationship I had created popped into my head.

"Are you sure?"

"Oh, my God," he groaned. "Do you fucking trust me or not?!" It was fairly obvious that I was annoying him. My questioning and nervousness was getting the better of me, and he didn't like it. He liked it when I was rebellious and caution free. And thinking about it, I liked it when I was that way too. I placed a hand steadily on the fence, and another on Eli's shoulder as I stepped one foot into his little platform he had created with his hands. I was shaking mostly out of nerves but then when Eli had lifted me higher I was fearful that I might fall. But – somehow – I climbed over the fence, and hit the grass with an _oof _sort of sound, which caused Eli to snort and me to scoff. And then he climbed over seconds after, making it all look like child's play.

"That wasn't too hard, now was it?" Eli smirked. I rolled my eyes, and turned away, only to be pulled back into Eli's arms. "Don't get all pouty with me, missy." He whispered into my ear as I giggled and squirmed in his arms.

"Quit it. We've got a job to do." I whispered, pushing him away. I grinned the whole time, trying to hide my blushing expression, and thankfully there was no light around for him to see my pink cheeks. Eli unzipped the bag, pulling out the cans of red and blue spray paint and handing one to me.

"You brought Randall's keys, right?" Eli asked, and I nodded, fiddling through my black jeans pocket and pulling out the jingling keys. I had snuck into his coat jacket and snagged his classroom keys before we had left. It was an addition to the _terrorize Ventura High_ plan that we had kept from the Fantastic Four. "Great. Let's go." Eli shoved the other can of spray paint into my arms and hid our bag of goodies in a bush a few feet away from us. That's when he took my hand, and that's when we started running.

Eli was quietly giving me instructions as he dragged me down the halls of the high school. He said that two years ago they hadn't bothered to hire a night watchman, or someone to take care of the school during summertime, but ever since The Fantastic Four had come into the picture, they had. They had a campus security guard going through the campus all through summer vacation. They were waiting for Eli Goldsworthy and his hoodlums. Under wraps, everyone suspected it was Eli, Katie, Bianca, Adam, and Fitz – but no one apparently dared to say anything. They were never caught. And Eli told me that he didn't plan to get caught on his last night terrorizing Ventura High.

Since he would be graduating the next year, he wouldn't be able to come back and plant stink bombs, or write _fuck you _in blue spray paint on his least favourite teachers wall. Eli told me that as much as he cared about me, if it was between getting caught by school police or sacrificing me, he would have to sacrifice me. And I wasn't sure if I was supposed to be totally fine with that, or totally offended. So I just didn't say anything. Eli showed me to my father's summer school classroom, and I unlocked the door. My heart rate had picked up sufficiently as I could hear the tumblers of the lock clanking together and the door creaking open.

This was by far the most rebellious thing I had ever done. Not even drinking was this bad. Ecstasy wasn't this bad. Breaking and entering was what got me. I shut the door quietly behind me, and Eli pulled the flashlight out of his back pocket, and shined the light towards the floor to create a path for us to follow. He knew what he was doing, obviously, and I followed like a lost puppy behind him, holding onto his hand like a lifeline.

"My heart's beating really fast." I whispered, and Eli turned back to look at me. There was a faint bit of moonlight shining through the front windows of the classroom, and I could see the smirk plastered on his face.

"Good, Clare Diana. That means that you're having a good time."

Eli took out an automatic stink bomb he had carefully in his pocket, and placed it delicately in my father's desk. I was barely paying attention, but apparently when he would open his drawer the stink bomb would fall and be set off. I laughed, imagining my father opening the drawer and a cloud of stink puffing out at his face. It was clever. We spray painted the classroom, walls with profanities and laughed to ourselves, feeling particularly good about that bad things that we had done. Who knew that causing a ruckus could be so… invigorating? My heart was beating in my chest, and it almost felt like it was about to burst from excitement. And though I wanted to cause more damage to my father's classroom, Eli shook his head and told me that we were under a tight schedule, and we still had much work to do.

Eli pulled me back to the classroom door, tossing a few stink-bombs to the floor on his way out. You could smell the rotten eggs and dirty gym socks as we ran out. I shut the door, and locked it behind me, making sure that I had stuffed the keys back into my pocket before we had rushed off back to where Eli had hidden our bag.

"Keep watch while I get out the ducks and dye, all right?" Eli told me, and I nodded, watching from behind him to make sure there wasn't a security guard out looking for us. It was dark and deathly silent, minus Eli rummaging through the duffle bag to pull out the supplies. I watched around for any signs of light that I could see. But thankfully, there were none. And as soon as Eli had told me to keep watch, he was already back, shoving the dye into my hands as I could barely see through the darkness the mesh bag and hundreds of little rubber ducks. I didn't know who had come up with the idea, but I guessed it was Adam. To dye the pool pink water pink and set sail to one hundred and eleven rubber ducklings.

There was a gate that kept us out of the pool area, and had a code you had to type in. I didn't know how Eli knew it, but he did. And he cracked the code within seconds, allowing us entrance where we set up our turmoil. Eli placed the bag of ducks down, and took one of the bottles of dye and we both began pouring and pouring. He told me in a whispered voice that during the summer, the pool was open to visitors of like, hormone induced teenagers and mothers with their kids that can't afford a real pool like Fiona Coyne or Owen Milligan. So, this dyeing the pool pink thing wasn't going to waste. Eli handed me the empty containers, and pointed to a trash can a little ways away, and then he dumped the ducks into the pool. I stood to my feet and watched as the little yellow ducks floated around through the pool. The moonlight shone directly onto the water, and I watched as it rippled slightly at the new friction. Eli handed me the bag, and I laughed. I just laughed. This was all too funny.

But then it became far less than funny.

"Hey!" A voice shouted from across the way. I looked up immediately from the water, to see a figure shining a flashlight in our direction. Eli stood to his feet, and bolted. But I didn't. I couldn't. It was like my feet were glued to the concrete and I stared at the flashlight like I was dying and it was the light pulling me to heaven.

"Clare!" Eli whisper-shouted, trying to get my attention. I was fucked. It was painfully obvious that I was fucked and there was no way I was going to get out of this. Eli was going to abandon me here. The security guard would catch me, and it would be the end of me. My father would find out I was hanging out with Eli, he'd probably smell cigarettes on me and send me back to Canada. I was toast. Buttered toast. With cinnamon on it. Eli called my name again but it was like a blur. Like a ringing in my ears and I couldn't even hear him anymore. And I really did think this was going to be the end of me, until my arm was grasped by familiar lanky fingers and dragged me out of the pool area. I dropped the empty supplies as I was being pulled away, and I suddenly realized:

Eli had come back for me.

"Fuck, Clare." Eli grumbled, picking up the pace as I ran with him towards where we had left the bag and so we could hop over the fence. He held his hands in the small position to hoist me up again, and this time I didn't even take the time to second guess myself. I just jumped up, gripping onto the metal and tried my best to hurl myself over the fence without drastically hurting myself. Then again, in my time of knowing Eli I had bruised my legs pretty bad, anyway, so this would just add to the fucked up marks on my legs that made me _me_. Eli threw over the bag, and it would have nearly landed on my head if I hadn't rolled out of the way just in time.

It was a matter of time before we were back in the hearse again, Eli driving down Main Street at an incredibly fast speed, making me have to hold onto the door handle I was so nervous.

"Fuck, Clare!" Eli said again once we were finally a safe distance away from the school. "We almost fucking got caught!"

"We fucked up the mission." I mumbled, knowing that there were several other parts we had failed to complete.

"I don't fucking care about the mission." Eli barked. "I care that we almost got caught. What if something had happened to you? What if they had taken you? What if I never got to fucking see you again?" His voice grew soft. Tender. I could hear his voice croak, and when I looked at his hands on the wheel – they were shaking. He was scared.

"Pull over." I ordered.

"We have to get to Pierpont." His voice shook as he answered me.

"Pull over." I said again.

"Clare –"

"Eli Goldsworthy, pull this goddamn car over right now!"

And he did. The first second he got a chance; he pulled the hearse over and stared at me. His pupils were enlarged, and he wasn't drugged up, or plastered either. It made me worried about him, because I had never seen him like this. Frightened. He looked almost terrified.

"Eli, what is the matter with you?" I whispered. I quickly unbuckled my seat belt and scooted over towards him, resting my hand on his cheek. He was still shaking. I gave his lips a quick peck, and bit down on my bottom lip. "You're scared."

"Yeah, I was scared. I almost lost you." He said quietly.

"I would have been all right."

"I didn't know that. You didn't know that. Nobody knew that." He whimpered. He rested his own shaking hand on my cheek, and it sent chills radiating down my spine. "Don't do that again, okay? Don't freak out and not respond and stand there like a deer in the headlights when you're faced with uncertainty, okay? You scared me." And unexpectedly, his arms wrapped around my back and held me in close. I'd never seen this side of him before. I liked it. It was protective, and peaceful and nervous and scared. He had never been like this around me and in fact, I loved it. When he told me that he 'didn't do' relationships, I thought that this would mean he would never act a certain way around me. That he would never be that sort of loving guy that you want to be your boyfriend. I figured we were just fuck-buddies or friends with benefits or whatever the hell you want to call it. But he was. He was loving, and caring and amazing and I could feel it all in this one terrified embrace.

"You came back for me." I whispered into his ear. "You said you would leave me if you had to."

Eli suddenly broke our embrace, and he shook his head. "Clare Diana, I would never leave you behind." I held his hands. He wasn't shaking anymore. He was happy. He looked happy by the way his eyes shone in the street-lights and the moonlight and everything about this moment I could feel him being happy. "I'm sorry. I overreacted."

"No," I told him sternly. "You reacted just right."

He smiled.

"Let's get to Pierpont."

…

I had never been more excited in my entire life. And I was sober. I think that was the best part about this whole 'mission' or whatever we wanted to call it. We were all totally sober. Except Fitz might have been stoned or something, but everyone else was sober. We had all gathered around Owen Milligan's house, all equipped with something special in our hands.

Eli Goldsworthy had a carton of eggs – I thought that suited him.

Fitz had red spray paint.

Katie had nail polish remover.

Bianca had toilet paper.

Adam had four air-horns and tape.

And I had blue silly string.

The plan was simple. We would fuck up the neighbourhood to the best of our abilities, and then we would duck-tape each air-horn and throw them throughout the neighbourhood as we drove off. It was golden, really. And my heart was beating tremendously fast before anything had even begun, yet. I remembered Owen Milligan's house well from when Eli had taken me on my first time selling drugs, and from the second and third times. And trashing his house was… exhilarating.

It started with the toilet paper. Bianca hit four or five houses on the block within eleven minutes, and apparently that was the record over the past four years they had been doing this together. It was pretty impressive. Next was Katie, who dumped nail polish remover over every single car on the block, which was pretty impressive. After Katie, it was Fitz and I who took turns knocking out each house on the block with either spray paint or silly string to the windows.

And last, were Adam and Eli. We got back into the cars, I in Eli's and Adam in Fitz's and as we drove down the street eggs were tossed along with air-horns, and lastly, Fitz made a speech; a short speech that he yelled out through his car's sun roof.

"Fuck you!" Fitz yelled. "Fuck you to the Pierpont assholes! The rich snobs, the bastards, the cunt's that have made our lives a living hell! Here's to you. I hope you're all fucking happy, you pricks. You goddamn fucking pricks!" His yelling's were interrupted by Katie and Bianca cheering, and the sound of an air-horn being set off. "We don't need to be rich. We are the music makers - we are the dreamers of dreams! Fuck you! I'll see you in Hell, jackasses!"

"Fitz makes that speech every year." Eli told me as he rolled up his window manually and shoved the empty carton of eggs in the back of the hearse. "I've heard it four times and it gets old every single time." Eli chuckled slightly, but I could see the happiness all over him. He loved this. And this was his final year doing it. And even though I had fucked up our part of the mission, it was like it was still worth it.

"Should we go home?" I asked him, and Eli shrugged his shoulders.

"We could go to the after party, or we could go home."

The way he said home was deliciously perfect. He didn't say _your house _or _Randall's house_ he only said home. Like he considered my house to be his home.

"Let's go home."

"Home it is."

The ride back was silent. But it was a nice silence. It was an accomplished silence because this one, ordinary Thursday night out of a year – out of the summer, had been turned extraordinary. I leaned my head against the window. I glanced at the time. It was way past midnight, almost two a.m., actually. I sighed deeply. Even after all of the fun, my heart was still pounding from all the excitement. I wondered if Eli wanted to go back to my house – no, the home – or go to this after party. And I was going to ask him, but for some reason, I didn't want to. I suspected what a party like that would be. Everyone would be getting drunk, setting off fireworks and eventually the cops would probably get called. Wonderland would turn into Neverland. But I didn't ask him, because I fell asleep. On the short ride back to my house, I had fallen asleep.

…

"Clare." A voice whispered into my ear. "Clare Diana. Wake up." I stirred slightly, feeling the glass against the back of my head. I was still in the hearse. "Hey, sleeping beauty. I'll carry you inside if you have a house key." Eli said to me, and I smiled, opening my eyes to see him staring from up above me.

"They're in my pocket. Next to Randall's keys. Don't forget to put them back…" I dozed off again, and I giggled as Eli's hands rummaged through my jean pockets to find the keys I was telling him about.

"The black ones or the gold ones?"

"Black." I mumbled, and suddenly felt cold summer night air hitting my back, and suddenly Eli's arms lifting me up and holding me in his grasp. He held me so tightly, so gently, and when he fiddled with the keys in the door, he didn't once almost drop me or anything of the sort. He was quiet, too. My father would have never heard a thing. Eli placed my father's key's back into his pocket, and carried me gently up the stairs to my bedroom. He tucked me in as he often did when we went to bed together, and he crawled in beside me.

"I know you're tired." He whispered.

"Go to sleep." I whined, leaning in to him and pressing a stray kiss to his cheek. "It's like, four in the morning."

"Try two thirty, silly."

I opened my eyes. It was that fuzzy, blurriness that you usually would get when you wake up in the middle of the night. Eli smiled at me. He just smiled. "I'm not silly." I said drowsily. "I'm a genius."

"I know you are." Eli laughed. "You're perfect."

"Flattery will get you…" I yawned. "Nowhere."

"Go to sleep." Eli whispered.

"Sing me a song." I cuddled into his chest, imagining his shirt was still on so I could clutch at the fabric. "Sing me the _Sweater Weather _song."

"I can't sing."

"Shh." I ordered. "Just sing." I closed my eyes and listened to him breathing deeply in and out. He wasn't singing yet, it was like he was mentally preparing himself for this up and coming moment when he would be singing me the special _Sweater Weather _song that I loved so much. "Please, Eli." I whimpered, and I felt one of his arms sliding around my back to pull me in close.

"_She knows what I think about. And what I think about; is one love, two mouths. One love – one house. No shirt, no blouse. Just us, you find out. Nothing I really wanna tell you about no_ –" He sang so softly, and I couldn't tell if it was to keep his voice down because of my father, or if it was because he was also tired. He probably was. And he was so cute when he was tired. But he had such a delicate, smooth kind of voice. The one you wanted to always listen to, but would never get to hear it. "_Cause it's too cold, oh, for you here and now. So let me hold, oh, both your hands in the holes of my sweater_."

I fell asleep then. In the warmth of his arms and the blankets and his breath on my skin. This was a feeling that caused me to wake up in the morning. It wasn't like I was being dragged out to go see my father, or to do homework. I was going to wake up in the morning to this. To Eli Goldsworthy holding me in his arms in such a desperate manner. To Eli Goldsworthy kissing me goodbye in the morning before he would leave. To Eli Goldsworthy.

Eli whispered something softly into my ear before we slept. I didn't quite catch it. But it was soft, and it tickled my skin. His hot breath breathing one last word before we would fall asleep. Whether Eli Goldsworthy knew it or not, he was mine. He was one hundred percent mine.


	10. Mercenary

**A/N:** Iffy about this chapter. As I always am, though. Sorry it took me so long to update - I've been struck with the flu! The beginning and the middle of this chapter were all right, but the ending is just pure blah and me trying to set it up for chapter eleven, which I can't promise when it will be updated because I literally feel like I've swallowed a brick right now. Enjoy my sickly writing. There might be some mistakes though but all fanfiction has some mistakes riddled within it's greatness.

**Rating:** There's no smut but you can pretend that there is.

**Disclaimer:** I own Clare's new-used leather jacket, but not Degrassi.

* * *

"Silhouettes caress without feeling. Who'll be your mercenary?" _**Mercenary | Crystal Castles**_

I had woken up the next morning to Eli Goldsworthy lying beside me with an arm behind his head, and his other literally stuffed inside his boxers as if he was getting off in his dreams, or something. I yawned slightly, and turned over on my side to look at the time. It was way past nine, which surprised me. My father hadn't tried to say good morning to me, and Eli hadn't left for summer school. Didn't he want to see the mayhem he had caused? To see the look on my father's face and try not to laugh his ass off, which I knew would be difficult for him. I watched him sleep for a little while. I watched as his bare chest rose and fell, and how his lips still curved into that adorable crooked smile of his even in his sleep. I wondered what he was dreaming about. Maybe me. Or maybe he knew he was going to sleep in and skip summer school, and so he was dreaming about my father getting what he deserved. Whatever it was, I liked this watching him sleep thing. And I wished I had woken up earlier on other days so that I could watch him now.

I reached forward, and brushed some of his dark bangs out of his face so I could look at his closed eyes. The way they moved every once and a while, indicating that he was dreaming. The way his eyelashes were just the perfect length against his eyelids. I wouldn't want to overlook every detail about him, because I was afraid I might never find a single flaw. His teeth weren't even yellow from smoking so much, and that got to me. Where _were _his flaws? He hid them so well from me, and I wondered how he did it.

"Eli." I whispered, hoping to gently stir him from his sleep. But when whispering his name a few times wasn't working, I reached for his wrist, pulling his hand out of his boxers and I let it fall by his side. I crawled onto him, a leg on either side of his body as I stared down at him from above. He still looked so peaceful and perfect. "Eli," I said again, but this time my voice was emphasized so that he might hear it even from his dreams. He stirred slightly, turning his head to the side, the bangs I had played with falling in front of his eyes again. I let out a sharp breath. "Eli!" I said loudly, my voice almost a sort of whiny tone.

Eli's eyes popped open, and a grin spread across my face as I found that he had woken up to see me.

"Good morning, handsome."

Eli groaned, raising his hands up behind him in a stretching manner. I giggled slightly, bending my body down towards him so I could steal a kiss from his lips, and he yawned stale breath into my mouth.

"Gross." I cringed at the foul taste of his mouth. "Someone needs to brush their teeth."

"Yeah, well," Eli began; his voice a husky-groggy tone. "Someone else is sitting on me."

I beamed, pressing another quick kiss to his lips, trying not to taste the dead-animal taste of his lips. I left a trail of kisses down his neck and to his chest until I finally rolled over onto my back beside him, staring up at the slanted ceiling above our heads. I sighed, and then Eli mimicked me by sighing as well. We turned our heads, looking at each other, and terrible smelling breath being breathed on each other, but I toughed it out, and I guess Eli did too.

"Get dressed." Eli told me, nodding his head upwards as if telling me to go to my closet and pick out something to wear. "I'm going to take you somewhere today." I smiled shyly.

"Like what?" I asked him. Eli reached forward towards me, and placed a hand on my waist, and tugged to pull me up against him. I mimicked him, running my fingers along Eli's side. My fingers brushed over the four little lines on his side. That was something about him I was always too afraid to ask, and sometimes I was just too drunk the night before to remember in the morning to ask about it. Eli had four little lines, almost like tally marks tattooed onto each side of him. There was nothing special about either of them. Honestly, they were both just four little lines tattooed to his sides. There must have been some meaning, but I never asked.

"I'm going to take you out on a date."

Expecting he was going to say some witty remark telling me to be patient, I had opened my mouth – but as I had been caught off guard by his words, I bit down on my tongue. A… date? This was unusual, especially for Eli. He had never taken me out on a date before, just taken me places. And sure, sometimes I had suspected they were 'dates' but neither of us had made the comment on it being a date. We'd been silent about it always. But now, he wanted to take me on a real date.

"This is unexpected." I said, puzzled.

"Really?" Eli snorted, rolling his eyes. "Fine, it won't be a date."

"No!" I laughed, pushing my hand on his chest gently. "No, no I want to go on a date."

Eli smiled, pressing a final kiss to my lips before he said: "Go get ready."

An embarrassing girly squeal fell from my lips as I jumped out of bed to get ready. I had no idea what we were going to do, but I was overly excited for whatever it was. I knew it would be amazing. I knew it would be fun, I knew it was going to be fantastic no matter what he took me to do. I showered and blow-dried and curled my hair. I put on my makeup, and I dressed in what I appropriately thought would be good for a day out with Eli. A sun dress and flip flops. And when I appeared at the bottom of the stairs in my light blue sun dress and flip flops, Eli smiled.

"You look cute."

"Just cute?" I teased, walking towards him as I held out my hands for his hands. "I don't remember the last time I went out on a date." I said honestly as our lips met for a quick peck. "Jake and I used to go on dates, but then after a while we just stopped. We hung out at home and shit and that became easier when our parents got married. So the dating thing just stopped." I paused. My teeth nibbled gently on my bottom lip. "So I'm really nervous and excited to go on this date with you."

"Technically, I've only been on four dates ever." Eli told me. "So if that helps, you're number five."

"Doesn't help. Just like how I'm number seventeen." My eyebrows rose up and down as I tried to emphasize the word seventeen.

"Can't you let that go?" Eli laughed, letting his arm rest around my shoulders as he always did, leading me towards the door. "You know you were the best."

I jokingly scoffed, glancing up at him as we exited through the front door, closing it behind ourselves. "I bet you said the same thing to fifteen and sixteen."

"Yeah I definitely told Fitz he was the best shag I've ever had." Eli snorted, a laugh following after. "Really, beautiful, you are far better than anyone else I have ever hooked up with or dated or anything. _You_ have _substance_."

"_Oh that boy's a slag,_" I clapped my hands as I sang. "_The best I've ever had._" I stomped my feet. "_The best I've ever had is just a memory. And those dreams aren't as daft as they seem. As daft as they seem, my love when I dream them up_."

"Oh look, you also have impeccable taste in music." Eli complimented me as I had finished singing an _Arctic Monkey's_ song Eli would constantly play in the car, though I did mix it up a little for my own way. Eli opened the door to Morty for me, and I climbed inside, reaching into the glove compartment for a cigarette.

"Lighter, please!" I said cheerfully as Eli nodded, reaching into the back pocket of his jeans for his lighter. I lit up a cigarette for each of us, stuffing the thing back into my mouth and taking a deep breath. "Where are we going?" I asked as Eli started up the hearse and tapped his cigarette into the little ash tray we had placed on the dashboard.

"Main Street. I meant to take you there weeks ago, but I forgot." Eli shrugged his shoulders. There had actually been a lot of places that Eli had yet to take me too, which was surprising. I hadn't been to the Pacific View Mall, which was literally down the street from my house, or Golf n' Stuff, or honestly anything that my father had suggested we do when I had first arrived. Eli told me on the way there that Main Street was basically the highlight of Ventura besides the harbor and the beach. I took a long drag on my cigarette, and suddenly realized how fast I had finished one. Was I becoming like Eli? Like how he smoked so quickly and could finish an entire pack in a day? I was hoping that it wouldn't come to that, but I also believed that by the end of the summer – it might just happen. Especially if I continued on the downward spiral that I was on.

Eli parked the hearse in a small parking lot behind a small thrift store, and then proceeded to tell me that today was going to be _the fucking most fantastic day of my entire life. _I laughed, linking my fingers with his as we strolled down the street. It was a strange feeling. Like the buildings belonged in a movie, or that the entire street was part of a film set. Nothing looked real, and at first glance I thought I might be dreaming. The street lights looked as if they belonged in the twentieth century. The buildings all looked old, yet totally new at the same time. And on every single corner laid a thrift store or Goodwill just waiting for me to spend my money there. Or, at least that was what I had in mind and not Eli.

"Eli, stop!" I giggled, grabbing onto his leather jacket as he held up a matching leather jacket to my arms. "It's fine, you don't have to buy me one." I insisted.

"Ha." Eli laughed, rolling his eyes at me as he began to search the coat for the price tag. "As if I'm going to buy it." I watched his hands as his fingers ripped the tag clean off of the clothing, and waved it in front of my face. "Put it on." I did as he told me too, stretching my arms out and sliding them into the sleeves of the leather jacket. He led me in front of a mirror, and smiled. I watched his reflection mostly instead of staring at my outfit. How he looked me up and down, admiring me almost. I felt his lips gently graze my temple, and I could feel my cheeks burning up with a hot sensation. "Look at you. You look like Eli Goldsworthy property."

"Yeah?" I asked, finally staring at myself. The black leather did make it seem as if Eli and I matched each other. Like the two of us were a pair, and technically I suppose we were. "We do look like two peas in a pod."

"Hell, if I saw us, I'd assume we were dating."

I rolled my eyes. "We are on a date, you know." I clarified, and as I looked in the mirror at Eli's expression, I could see him fighting a smile. He looked so cute, trying to hide a smile by turning around so I couldn't see him. Our fingers linked with each other's, and Eli pulled me down the aisles, as if we were admiring the other clothing up for grabs. "Can I ask you something?" I said to him. He stopped, and fished through the racks. He turned his back to me, and each of us looked at the clothing on the racks opposite of each other.

"Go for it."

"Why do you call me Clare Diana?" I asked. I grazed my hand across the clothing, walking to the other side of the rack Eli was looking at so I could see his face.

"I dunno." He shrugged his shoulders. It was obvious that he was avoiding eye contact with me. "It's like – I try to forget the fact that your Dad is my teacher. So if I don't have to call you Clare Edwards, then I don't have to think about it. Besides, Clare Diana is much more beautiful to say." He smirked lightly, glancing his eyes up at me for barely a second. "Then I also don't have to tell the Fantastic Four that you're Randall's daughter, too."

"Are you embarrassed of me?" I asked, and Eli quickly shook his head.

"No, of course not." He snapped. He pulled out a short-sleeved black and white striped shirt and pinned his eyebrows together. "Do you like this?" he asked, and I nodded. "Cool." And without any warning, he took off his leather jacket, laid it on the racks that separated us and pulled on the shirt. "It's so fucking hot, though. So we have to leave before I pass out from heat exhaustion." Eli joked, slugging his leather jacket back on and ripping the tag off of the sweater. "I'm not embarrassed of you, though. So if that's what you think, unthink it, okay?"

"Okay." I answered softly.

Eli leaned forward over the clothing racks between us, and placed a quick peck to my lips. "I could never be embarrassed of someone as great as you." He murmured against my lips. And then we were off. He snuck us out of the thrift store with the stolen post-given-away clothing on our backs. He dragged us back to Morty so that he could drop off his new sweater, and then he took me out for ice cream, which, surprisingly, he paid for. I got mint rocky-road and he got the same. He held my hand, and we walked up and down the street, and I realized after a while, that this was the exact same place that we had gone to the theater. The night we had first hung out – the night that basically brought us together. Our first fuck. Our first kiss. First dance. The first drug. The first everything, really, and chills of nostalgia ran down my spine as I saw the Ventura Theater in view as Eli took me to a surprise place.

"Where are we going?" I asked him finally, getting impatient with him keeping secrets with me.

"I'm going to duct-tape your mouth shut if you ask me one more time where we are going." Eli threatened playfully, squeezing my hand. "There." He pointed across the street as we approached a crosswalk. "We're going there"

Across the way was a small parlor with the words that read MAIN STREET TATOO in big bold letters. My heart stopped for almost a few seconds, because I wasn't sure where Eli was going with this whole idea. Did he expect us to get matching tattoos? Of course I had incredibly strong feelings for him, and every single time he called me Clare Diana, my stomach would churn with nerves, but I couldn't go as far as to get the name Eli Goldsworthy tattooed on my ankle or something. And if he thought he was going to get something with _my _name on it, he was definitely not thinking right.

"A tattoo parlor?" I asked curiously.

"Yeah." He said plainly. "It's where I get all my tattoos done."

And by _all my tattoo's _I assumed that he meant the four tally marks on his sides that didn't make much sense to me. I'd seen Eli inside and out, and those were the only marks of ink I could ever find on his body. "Are you getting a tattoo today, or something?"

"Yep."

He was giving me such vague answers, and truthfully it was beginning to piss me off. I pressed my hand against his chest, pushing lightly in an almost joking matter, but of course I was secretly entirely serious about it. If he _was _planning on getting a tattoo that had to do with _me _I would have to talk him out of it. Because when I left at the end of the summer, I didn't want him to have to look at it and remember me. No matter how cute the idea of him getting the words _Clare Diana_ tattooed on his hip bone seemed.

"What of?"

"A tally mark." He told me, as the crosswalk sign turned green and he pulled me gently down the sidewalk and into the street. A tally mark. That's all it was. Just a simple tally mark to go along with the other little lines on his sides. It would change either one of them, or maybe even both of them into fives instead of fours. "I'll tell you what it means when we get inside." So I didn't ask any questions, and I followed him to the miniature tattoo parlor. When we arrived, I was subtly surprised. While I had expected it to be filled with heavy metal posters, intense gothic designs, and employees with eight or nine piercings – it was normal. There was old music playing on the loud speakers, and a man with messy brown hair at the front desk. But his arms showed the tattoo parlor part of the mix, as they were inked from his wrist all the way up past the sleeves of his shirt. Eli told me later on that a tattoo like that was called a 'sleeve.'

"Woah, Eli." The man chuckled slightly. "I honestly had no suspicion you would be back after Imogen."

"Can it." Eli demanded. He pulled me a little closer to him and though I wasn't looking at his face, the way he spoke my name I could tell he was smiling. "This is Clare Diana." The man stepped out from being concealed behind his desk and walked out towards me, giving my hand a sturdy shake.

"Hello, Clare Diana. I'm Rudy." I smiled in return. "One question though, what's a girl like you hanging out with a bastard like him?"

"Did I say can it, or didn't I?" Eli argued, but it was easy to see this was mostly just a playful banter between two old friends rather than Eli being actually upset. "You're going to lose some pretty great business if you don't shut your fucking mouth."

"All right, all right!" Rudy held up his hands in defense. "I'll shut up. I'm guessing you'll be wanting the usual?"

"The usual."

I sighed, still utterly confused.

"Sweet. I'll get everything prepped." Rudy turned on his heels, but then suddenly stopped and turned towards us. "Does she uh," he paused awkwardly, "does she know?"

Eli shook his head. "No." he spoke calmly. I looked up at him to take a look at his face, and I caught a glance of him chewing on the inside of his cheek. "I was thinking I'd tell her right now."

"Okay, you guys take your time or whatever. I'll prep super fucking slow like. You two can sit on that bench." He pointed to the other side of the room, where there was a long reclining chair sort of thing. Kind of like at the dentist when they shine the light down on your face and you're almost forced to stare into your hygienist's eyes no matter how much you'd rather not. Eli pulled up a small stool for me to sit on, and sat down on the tattoo chair, his legs dangling off of the side.

We were silent for what seemed like a long time. Like, Eli was going to tell me something, but was searching for the right words to use. Like that if he said something wrong he might mess everything up. He started to speak a few times, but fumbled on his words and then shut himself up. And I decided not to push, this time. Maybe I had in the past, gotten him to spit out the words when he wasn't ready, or that he hadn't come up with the right way to say it. But this time, I was going to. So this time, I sat there completely silent.

"I need to tell you about the tattoos."

I nodded. "Okay, tell me about the tattoos."

"I can't tell if you're going to love this, or hate it. Because Bianca hated it, but Imogen loved it. Every girl is different, so I can't really tell with you. I can never really tell anything with you." Eli paused, and then suddenly lifted his shirt half way up his body so that I could see the little tally marks on his sides that I had never had courage to question in the past. "I get a tattoo on my left side every time that I fall in love with a girl."

I was hoping he was going to start rambling uncontrollably or something, keep talking so that this moment wouldn't have to be so awkward or uncomfortable. And it wasn't because I didn't love him back. Truthfully I didn't know if I was in love with him anyway. I only stared at him, trying to think of what else to say. There had to be something for him to add, or something for me to reply with. And it couldn't be me saying _I love you too_ because what if I didn't?

"What's the right side?' I finally asked, breaking the silence between us.

"Every time that they break my heart."

It became quiet again. I knew I'd be on the right side soon. I knew that once I would leave for Canada, there would be no more Eli and Clare Diana. That would break his heart. He wouldn't stay hooked on me. He wouldn't still be in love with me like he said he was now.

"So you're getting a tally mark today. You're getting a tally mark with me…" I chewed on my lips momentarily. "That means…"

"That means that I'm in love with you." He sounded so serious when he said it, too. It wasn't the sarcastic Eli that I had come to know. It was sincere. And certain things were beginning to make sense now.

"Why didn't you tell me?" I asked. "Why are you telling me like this?"

"I did tell you."

I furrowed my eyebrows. "When?"

"Friday night."

"But Friday night was the concert. Friday night we both got drunk. We were both wasted – we passed out. We –"

"No," Eli interrupted. He shook his head slowly. "You blacked out. I remember all of it. I just told you that I blacked out, because I didn't know if I should have said what I did. I was drunk. It is a little fuzzy, but I remember everything that I told you. And maybe it's good thing you don't know everything I said, and maybe it isn't. But here we are now, and you know." Eli paused, and let out a shaky breath. "I also told you last night before you fell asleep. I whispered it into your hair. I breathed it on your skin. I said it maybe a thousand times, but you were too tired to hear me."

Everything was starting to make sense now. I was putting together the puzzle pieces in my head. The way he treated me that Saturday morning. He made me pancakes. He called me beautiful more. He took me on a date. The way his arm would drape over my shoulders and hold me close to him. How he wanted to keep me safe. It was like someone had begun to shine a light on everything, and I realized it. Eli Goldsworthy was in love with me. And his subtle loving ways were the most magical things you could imagine.

"You don't have to say it back. In fact, unless you really mean it I'd prefer that you don't. But that's how I feel about you."

I stopped speaking, and I suppose Eli did too because Rudy reappeared with purple gloves and a tattoo gun in his hands. I didn't say a word as I watched Eli take off his shirt and Rudy tattooing the fifth tally mark that crossed through all the other four. I liked that, for some reason. Whether or not I _did _feel the same way about Eli, it made me feel like I was better than the rest. That he was crossing out the other four and I was the fifth. The most important. I was Eli Goldsworthy's fifth. And then I understood why he had only been on five dates. Five dates to tell five girls he loved them.

That had confirmed my Imogen Moreno, Eli Goldsworthy dating theory. That he had taken her and she had loved the idea. But I had never suspected that he would have dated _Bianca DeSousa. _It almost made it seem like a possibility that he could have dated Katie of all people. But I suspected no, Katie Matlin seemed like a hookup rather than a _I love you_. Actually, wait. Let me rephrase that because he didn't just say that he loved me. He said that he was _in _love with me. And there _is _a difference when it comes to saying things like that. You love your mom and dad. You love your pets. You love your favourite television show, but you're never in love with these things. When you're in love with someone they're your night and day.

I remember I loved Jake Martin. But I was never in love with him. Maybe if we had been in love with each other we would have lasted. Maybe things would have been different if Jake had taken me to a tattoo parlor and told me that he wanted to get a tattoo dedicated to me because he was in love with me. But this wasn't Jake Martin, thankfully, this was Eli Goldsworthy. And I preferred Eli over Jake any day.

It didn't take too long, and when it was finally over, Eli smiled. He thanked Rudy, he paid him, and our hands linked again and we walked out. I expected Eli to say some sort of witty comment to change the strange mood between us into humor, but he didn't say a word. I wondered if he expected me to say it back, or if he hoped that I would or something. But I didn't. Because I couldn't. Not because I didn't want too. Because trust me, I would have loved to see the excited look on his face when I would say, _Eli Goldsworthy, I'm in love with you. _And then think of all the love sex we would have afterwards. The kisses. The touches. The everything that would happen if I could just say that I loved him too. But I couldn't. Because I didn't know if I did and just like he asked, I wasn't going to say it back unless I really meant it.

"So," I broke the silence, swinging our hands back and forth as I stared at him with bright eyes. "Anything else exciting and relationship changing happen while I was drunk as shit?" Eli snorted.

"Only that you said I could live with you."

I snapped my fingers in realization. "So that's when I said you could live in my closet, huh?" I giggled softly, and leaned my head onto his shoulder. "I do like you living with me, as much as I _would _like to see your secretive man-cave home place that you apparently hate so much."

"You'd hate it too, if you had to live there."

"You know, Eli, I've never even met your parents." I had tried to keep the mood light hearted. Something we could both bounce back and forth at each other easily, but the topic changed drastically, and Eli stopped dead in his tracks, and looked at me. I couldn't tell if the expression his face was showing was disappointment in my choice of statement, or if he was trying to figure me out. "Sorry." I whispered, staring down at my flip flops in embarrassment. "I crossed the boundary, didn't I?"

"No," One of Eli's fingers slipped underneath my chin, tilting my head up to stare at him. Our eyes met, and there were fireworks going on between our eyes. The way his green daggers peered into mine, the way our gazes held with each other's… it caused my heart to beat a little bit faster. "You didn't cross a boundary. I'm just being an asshole. I want you to meet my parents. I don't know when, but I do."

"And maybe…" I whispered, my teeth beginning to tug at my bottom lip nervously. "Maybe you could have a proper dinner with my dad and I. And you could meet him the right way, and I could try and show you how cool he was back in 2009."

Eli laughed out loud, and slid his arm around my shoulders again to pull me against him. His lips kissed the top of my head repeatedly. "Ah, Clare, you're so cute. But that idea makes me want to vomit up my mint rocky-road."

"No, really!" I laughed back. "It could be fun – it could work out. Come on, please, please, please! You both like _The Clash_! I'm sure if you got to know him outside of Mr. Edwards the French teacher, you'd hate him only a little less!"

"C'mon, Clare Diana. You know that would never work out. He wouldn't even let me cross through the threshold without beating me to death or calling the police or sending you away. And I'm not risking it for the third option." Eli said quickly, and I groaned in response. "Don't be like that; you know it would never work."

"It could work." I argued. "Think of him not as Mr. Edwards. Think of him as Clare Diana's father. Some old man that you want to impress. If he wasn't your French teacher, would you want to impress my father?"

Eli shrugged his shoulders. "Yeah, I guess."

"See!" I pointed my fingers at him, and grinned barbarically. "Come on, Eli – we could go get an early dinner with him right now."

"Clare –"

"No buts. Let's go."

…

I had to put up with Eli's protests nearly the entire ride back to my house, but I flashed him a pouty sort of face, and he gave in. I knew how easy it was to get him to give in to me, and that was one of the things I loved about him. When we had arrived at my house, Eli slumped back against the seat of Morty and crossed his arms. It was clear that he was trying to avoid having to meet with my father. That he was trying to avoid going inside the house in general because the garage door was open – and sitting in the garage door was my father's dark blue Sedan. I hated that car, and the way it smelled and the way the music played loudly and how the music was _The Clash_. But now I liked _The Clash_. Because Eli liked _The Clash._

"My palms are sweating." Eli said finally. He held up his hands into the air, and he wasn't lying. His fingers and palms were glistening with a wet substance that clearly appeared to be sweat. "Why am I nervous? I know your dad."

"No," I shook my head, reaching forward to grab his hands. "You know Mr. Edwards. You don't know my dad."

That shut him up. Like, really shut him up. He opened the car door, and walked out, towards the front of my house without even bothering to open my car door for me. Which was fine, because there was this way he was walking – like he was determined. Like he knew now that him meeting my dad was important to me. Because technically, it was. Jake had met my father when the two of us had first begun dating, back before my parents ever divorced and _way _back before Mr. Martin and my mother ever married each other. They met, and my father loved Jake.

I wasn't so sure if he would love Eli the same way.

I shuffled through my new-used leather jacket's pocket for the key I had placed there and whipped it out, shoving it into the lock. I glanced slightly at Eli, and his hands were shaking. His hands were shaking again. Why were his hands shaking so much?

"Eli, calm down." I smiled. I left the key halfway into the lock, and leaned forward to kiss his cheek. "Everything will work out fine. You don't need to be nervous. I'll be there with you and I'll hold your hand the whole time." I promised, and Eli's lips curled into a half smile, which I would take.

"I'm only scared he's going to go ape shit when he even sees me."

"I won't let him." I laughed, and finished turning the key into the lock, pushing the door open.

"Randall!" A female voice laughed, and as I stepped through the front door, my eyes laid upon a woman. I didn't know her, in fact, I'd never even _seen_ her before. Eli stood behind me as we both watched. They were sitting at the breakfast nook table. The one Eli and I had eaten pancakes at. She had short black hair, glasses, and she looked young.

"…Miss Oh?" Eli coughed, and both adults eyes turned towards us in the doorway. Their laughter ended quickly, which I was thankful for. Was she his girlfriend? Surely he would have informed me if he had found himself yet _another _new lover, or whatever the fuck he wanted to call this woman. "What the hell, that's so weird."

"Clare, what is he doing here?" My father finally spoke. "You know how I feel about Eli Goldsworthy."

I couldn't speak, though. The sight of him with another woman had made my tongue get stuck in my throat. My entire mouth went dry and I couldn't seem to process it.

"Who's she?" I blurted out.

"That's Miss Oh, the computers teacher at Ventura." Eli whispered into my ear, filling me in on the details my father would probably leave out. Eli cleared his throat, and I couldn't see him, due to the fact he was behind me – but I could imagine him straightening out his back, almost as if he was going to be sizing my father up. Like he was preparing for battle. Like he was going to protect me. "Clare Diana wanted me to come to dinner."

"Well, isn't that wonderful!" 'Miss Oh' said cheerily, bringing her hands together in front of her. "The four of us could go out for dinner together. I was thinking we could take Clare out tonight, anyway. I thought she should be able to meet me."

"Whinnie, I –"

"Yeah dad. The four of us could go out for dinner. I'd love to meet your…" I paused, trying hard to bite my tongue and not let the sardonic words slip from my mouth. "_Whinnie._"

"Cool." Eli murmured. I felt his arm sliding around my waist, trying to remind me that he was right there with me. Instead of me having to coax him through all of this, it all seemed to be reversed. And then I remembered something – he loved me.

"We can take your car, dad." I told him, and my father nodded slightly. It was three against one, and I suppose he wasn't about to argue against his new… his new Whinnie or whatever she was. I was too nervous to ask. I'd find out at dinner. I'd find out everything at dinner.

Eli squeezed my waist, and I looked up at him. He could tell I was nervous. His hand brushed against my cheek. They weren't sweaty anymore. But mine were. Mine were sweating up a storm.

"Why am I nervous?" I asked softly.

"_Everything will work out fine. You don't need to be nervous. I'll be there with you and I'll hold your hand the whole time._" Eli repeated what I had told him moments before, which were suddenly feeling like hours. I nodded.

Everything would work out fine.


	11. Violent Youth

**A/N:** 45 days later... I post another Celestica update! Bless to Degrassi-love3 who decided to like tell me to update it today. I know it could be better, and the ending is kind of blah but I threw together what I could. But beside the ending it's amazing and you're all going to love it. I expect reviews from all of you otherwise I'm going to cry. It was my birthday last week too, so you owe me. One last thing before I let all of you lovely people go, is if you're not reading Halcyon ((one of my new stories, co-written with Degrassi-love3)) I literally don't know what you're doing? It's amazing and you guys need to read it. Also, this chapter is dedicated to Breanna (kanimasmaster on tumblr and pretty-0dd on here) because you've been waiting so patiently. Go you! Also I didn't read over this completely so if there's little mistakes I'll go back and fix it later. SERIOUSLY LEAVE ME A WELCOME BACK REVIEW.

**Rating:** Yes there's smut but it's super short, but I love you guys anyway.

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Degrassi but I do own some marijuana oops?

* * *

"Show up in your lace; drink up little girl. And they will always let you down."**_ Violent Youth | Crystal Castles_**

"And then your father spilled his coffee all over my new purse, and that was it. That was when I knew I wanted to be dating a man like him! A goofy, clumsy, run of the mill guy who makes me smile." Whinnie explained while we were at dinner. It had been her suggestion that we go to a place like the Olive Garden, which I had never been to before. There weren't too many of them in Canada.

"So how long have you two been… official?" Eli asked. I was glad that he had asked. It was like he was reading my mind, finding out what I wanted to know so that I wouldn't have to ask myself. He must have known that I was terrified. That I was nervous and shaking and that him holding my hand underneath the table made everything a little bit better.

"Four, maybe five months now?"

I nearly choked on my bread stick. I'd been living with Randall for little over a month now, and he had never once breathed a word about dating a new woman. I'd never seen her around the house. I'd never even heard her name. Then again, it wasn't like I had made an effort to be involved in any form of relationship with my father. I'd been too busy with Eli to pay attention to my father or anything that surrounded him.

There was this silence that fell upon all four of us at the dinner table, and I took the moment of quietness to examine everything. I had never suspected dinner would go down like this. In all honesty, when I had brought Eli inside to suggest dinner, I thought my father would immediately say no, cutting off the idea permanently. I didn't think this far. And maybe I should have thought this far, but I didn't. And now that we were sitting here, and now that my father had a girlfriend, I didn't feel like I should be nervous anymore. I felt like I should be angry. That I should be throwing this soup and salad and breadsticks across the table and having a temper tantrum because my father didn't tell me he was seeing someone.

"What about you two," Whinnie inquired suddenly. "How long have you two been dating?"

"Oh, we're not dating." Eli answered quickly. I felt his hand squeezing on mine, as if to remind me that even though we were not in a relationship, he still loved me. "Relationships are heavy. We didn't want it to tie us down."

"So that you can have sex with other girls and not feel bad that you're cheating on my daughter?" Randall interrogated, and I could feel a knot tying up in my stomach.

"Dad!" I shouted from across the table. But Eli only laughed, as if my father was making some sort of joke when he clearly wasn't.

"Mr. Edwards, your daughter is the only girl I have _any_ interest in seeing. Honest." Eli answered calmly. I was subtly amazed how Eli was maintaining his composure and not freaking out like I was at a time like this. "I think that's one of the reasons Clare Diana wanted us to have dinner tonight. So that I could like, meet you. And like, assure you that I'm not going to hurt her."

My father stared blankly at Eli. I didn't know if it was because he was for some reason blown away that Eli was serious or if he was trying to come up with something rude to say back in response. My father was like that a lot. I could recall times when my father would make that same expression towards my mother way back when they were together. Seeing him sitting beside Whinnie now, it was hard to remember those times.

"Her name is Clare, not Clare Diana." My father's tone was stone cold. So cold that it was almost as if they had opened a window in the place and it had let in a draft.

Eli cleared his throat. "I prefer to call her Clare Diana. It adds a little bit more..." Eli paused, and he glanced over at me. "Pizazz." They stopped arguing about it after that, and dinner became quiet again. I hated this. This awkward feeling between the four of us. I wished Whinnie wasn't here. I wished my father's new woman wasn't here to make things awkward. Because I'm sure that if she wasn't there I wouldn't have had to have been over analyzing things. I could have been trying to show Eli off to my father. I could have been trying to prove that he was an amazing man that deserved me. He was, too. And he did.

"Eli likes _The Clash_." I blurted out. All eyes were on me now. My father seemed slightly surprised, and Whinnie was confused, and Eli just didn't know what kind of stunt I was pulling. "He plays it when we're in the car all the time. It reminds me of you, dad."

"Clare, you hate _The Clash_." Randall replied.

"Not anymore. Now I love them. Now we can listen to them in the car together, dad." I realized that because of nerves, I was speed talking. I was rambling like a pathetic idiot trying to win my father's approval when in reality he should have been trying to win mine. And he wasn't winning it. Because looking at this woman she looked barely a day over twenty-five. She probably wasn't, too. "See? Look at all the super great things Eli does! Like getting me into your favourite kinds of music!"

My father laughed out loud. And not like a _yes Clare, I see what you mean! _kind of laugh, like a – you're an idiot kind of laugh out loud. "Look at yourself, Clare. You look nothing like you. He's getting you into horrible things. He's changed you. He's changed you and if you can't see that then I don't know what I'm supposed to do."

"Um," Eli held up a hand. "I'm right here."

"Daddy you barely even know him." I argued. I was trying hard now. Everyone at the table could see I was trying so hard because I used the one word I simply hated: _daddy. _"You just think you know him. I know him!"

"Do you? Do you know him? Have you met his parents?"

I slinked back against the booth wall. "I'm going to."

"Could we not talk about me in the third person?" Eli interjected. "I can hear every word you're saying."

"You know how I feel about him. I've told you countless times, and you continue to disobey me and see him behind my back. You're reckless! I can't control you. Maybe I should just send you back to your mother before the end of the summer. She always knew how to handle reckless teenage girls. She knew what to do when Darcy had her phase. This is getting out of hand." My father continued speaking before I could even begin to start yelling. "You think I don't know you sneak out every single night. You think I don't know that you're drinking and somehow you wind up back in your bed before I can check on you. I'm not stupid, Clare. I know a rebellious teenager when I see one. And I'm looking at two of them right now."

I felt sick to my stomach. Looking over at Eli didn't help very much either. In fact, it made things worse. It made me feel light headed. I was just staring at him hopelessly begging for him to say something to change everything. He was my only game piece left at this point. But he looked as if this was just as fruitless. In fact, his face was as white as a ghost. And I couldn't tell if it was because my father seemed to know everything, or if it was because he was threatening to send me back to Canada. And for some reason, I could just tell that it was the latter.

The waitress arrived with our meals, and all of us were quiet again. I liked it better when we weren't speaking anymore, honestly. Because then I didn't have to deal with my father's harsh words or the way he would scoff when I would say something good about Eli. The soup tasted funny. But I knew it wasn't the soup's fault. It was the taste of cigarettes that lingered in the back of my throat and caused all food to taste funny. Eli wasn't holding my hand anymore. I assumed it was because we were eating but for some reason I felt lost without him holding my hand. That this was all just pointless. That without him holding my hand and holding me down to earth I'd just float all my way back to Canada. I'd float away from him.

"I just wanted you to meet him." I whispered as I sipped the soup from my spoon. "At least I wanted you to meet the guy I'm into, rather than keep him a secret this entire time like you have with…" I tried my hardest to make her name sound sour as it fell from my lips. "_Whinnie."_

"That is completely different, Clare, and you know that." My father started back up again. Good. All the arguing wasn't about Eli anymore. Because it wasn't all about Eli, and everyone at the table knew that. "I wasn't keeping her a secret from you."

"Then why haven't I heard about her? Why didn't I meet her the first day I came here rather than a month and a half into my visit? If she's as amazing as you're trying to make her seem tonight, why am I just meeting her now?" I spat. I glanced around the table. Everyone looked so awkward and out of place. Eli cut aimlessly at a piece of steak and Whinnie tried to look any direction away from me. "This is so pointless, you know, Dad." I barked. "This whole coming out to California thing was pointless wasn't it? Because we're not close at all. In fact we're farther away than ever. God, I hate you." I mumbled. I expected him to gasp and yell at me now – but he didn't. He was quiet too, along with the awkward Eli and Whinnie. He just sat there and took every single word that I threw at him. "C'mon Eli, let's just go." I whispered.

"Where are we going?" Eli placed his silverware down on the table as well as his napkin and turned towards me.

"Anywhere. I'm tired of this, though."

Eli nodded in agreement with me and then turned towards my father, and nodded slowly to him. It kind of seemed as if that was his silent goodbye to my father. Like a silent _sorry _all at the same time. We scooted out of the booth, and left the Olive Garden. It felt – slightly – as if I had won. But then at the same time it felt as if I had lost completely. It felt like I never wanted to go home, because if I went home my bags would be packed and there would be a plane ticket waiting on the kitchen table. And it would be to Canada. And it would be for me. And I would never get to come back here again.

"I hate him!" I yelled as we were a safe distance from the restaurant. "I hate him so much, Eli. I just hate him."

"Yeah, I know you do." Eli said in response. "I want to say that I hate him too, but he's just doing what he thinks is best for you. And hell, if I was your father I wouldn't want you hanging around a guy like me either."

"He just doesn't listen! If he would let me explain then maybe he would understand!" I argued, "You're not that bad of an influence. You're amazing! He just doesn't get it because he's old as shit and… _ugh!_" I felt like I needed to pull my hair out. I was bubbling over with anger.

"Okay, good to know that when you use words like _ugh, _it means you are sufficiently upset." Eli joked. I glared back at him. "Sorry." The bus stop was nearby, and Eli led me towards the bench. He told me that we would take the bus somewhere. He told me that he would probably take us home, but when I immediately protested, he nodded, and just wrapped his arm around my shoulders.

"This is the worst." I grumbled into his jacket. He pulled me a little bit closer. "I just wanted him to like you."

"I know you did."

I sighed. "Do you think he knows that?"

"Maybe." Eli answered, but then he shook his head. "Probably not."

We were quiet. And as much as I enjoyed just being in Eli's arms, him holding me and the warmth that he created – along with the hot summer evening cascading heat onto us – and the smells he gave off… I was tired of it. I was tired of being quiet. It was getting exhausting. The bus finally arrived. And while we were on the bus, I found myself crying. I found myself holding onto Eli's leather jacket for dear life, and sobbing miserably into his t-shirt. And I wondered; had I ever cried in front of him before? Had I ever clung desperately to him and just been able to let it all out before?

We rode around on the bus for hours. Sometimes I'd be crying, and other times I would just sniffle slightly and he would hold me closer. Eli played music for us. He pulled his cell phone and headphones out of his pocket and he played me our _Sweater Weather _song over and over until after a while I just fell asleep. I fell asleep to the music, and the rocking of the bus, and the smell of Eli. He smelled so comforting.

After a while it got dark. And when I woke up it was because the bus driver told us that this was going to be the last stop, and that we would have to get off here. But I didn't want to get off. I never realized how nice busses could be. Or maybe it was just because I was riding a bus with Eli. The bus had left us in Pierpont. And I don't know if it was all just a coincidence or whether Eli had asked the man to do this – but I didn't care. Because where all of this lead us, didn't seem so bad.

"You don't want to go back home, do you?" Eli asked me. I answered with a sniffle-y _no _and Eli seemed to understand. He guided me through a dark Pierpont that was only lit by the four street lights that were on each block. Being here in the day time was sketchy enough – but night time heightened that. "This isn't exactly how I pictured this." Eli muttered.

"Pictured what?" I whispered.

"Pictured bringing you to my house. Fuck, I never pictured bringing you to my house, honestly. I hoped I could avoid a moment like this." Eli said. His tone was melancholy and once we finally approached that house I had seen only once in the past – I sighed. It felt homey, yet I'd never even been there before. It was dark, but that was mostly because it was night time and because there were no lights on inside. "No one is home. Nobody's been home for a few days now. CeCe and Bullfrog went to some radio convention or some bullshit. So… yeah." Eli shuffled through his pockets for his set of keys to Morty. I had always wondered what the extra few keys he had on his key ring were for, but I never really asked. But now I got it. It was to his house.

He shoved the key into the lock slowly, making it seem as if he was procrastinating as he did so. Trying to slow time down so that I'd never really have to enter through the threshold and see his cave of wonders. But the door finally swung open, revealing what he'd been hiding for so long.

"Watch your step, okay?" He told me, finally leading me into his house.

I understood now. I understood why he never wanted me to come over, and why he was so ashamed of his house in the first place. It was – in the simplest of terms – a dump. A wasteland of junk and trash and things you weren't supposed to see in a home. The walls were lined with old newspapers, records, and other assorted items all clumped together in groups. There was a word for a lifestyle like this – and it was caught in the back of my throat. Floating through my mind, just wondering if I should say the word out loud. I wondered if I even dared to see the kitchen.

"My rooms upstairs."

So we went upstairs. I found myself tip-toeing my way up so that I wouldn't step in something accidentally. Like, a leftover fruit cup or a piece of pizza. I wondered if Eli's room was the same way. I was praying in my head that it wasn't like this. It didn't seem as if we would be returning to my house any time soon, and I didn't want to seem rude… I'd have to tough this out. Tough out the night in a house so disgusting that I had to stop myself from gagging.

Eli pulled out his set of keys again, and I noticed that he had a lock on his door. Not just any ordinary lock like teenagers dreamed to have on their doors, but a real lock. With a key and when you turned it you'd be able to hear the tumblers working. I closed my eyes.

"Welcome to Hotel Eli." Eli said miserably. He swung open the door. I blinked my eyes open. Thank God. It was clean. Well, not _really _clean, but as clean as a teenage boy's room could get. At least you could see the floor. And at least it didn't smell like moldy food. Eli locked the door behind us. "Sorry my house is uh…" he scratched the back of his neck. "It's fucked."

"When you acted as if your house was Hell I didn't realize it was literally…"

"Hell." Eli replied. "There's air conditioning and sometimes fresh food in the fridge, so it isn't like I can complain much. Also, my bed is hella comfy."

I snorted. "I don't think I ever want to hear you say the word _hella _ever again." I wrapped my arms around his neck, staring up at his eyes. We both sighed in unison. "So what does a night at Hotel Eli entail?" I asked, and Eli pursed his lips slightly.

"Oh, I don't know. Breakfast in bed, a hot shower, and a bit of cheering up."

I grinned. "Do you know how great a hot shower sounds right now? We don't have hot water at Hotel Clare Diana."

"I'm aware." Eli chuckled. His hands slid up my body, cupping my cheeks in his large hands. His eyes grew serious for a moment. They were not his playful, sarcastic usual Eli eyes. "I never want to see you cry again." He said sternly. "I never want to taste your salty tears again. With me…" his voice lowered to a whisper, and his lips gravitated towards mine. "…with me you'll never have to cry."

Our lips met, then. My arms around his neck became tighter, and his hands slithered down my back and gripped onto my waist, pulling me up against his body. My lips opened ever so slightly, allowing his tongue entrance into my mouth, which he gladly took advantage of. I always loved the way he kissed me. He was so forceful, yet gentle at the same time. It was almost as if we were dancing around his bedroom, and suddenly the back of my knees hit his bed and I fell backwards, taking him down with me.

"You were right." I uttered breathlessly, "Your bed is _hella _comfy."

We laughed into our kisses, and that was a feeling I'd never experienced with him. The way his mouth would be conforming into a hidden grin against my lips and mine would be doing the exact same thing. I blushed hard as his fingers ran through my hair. And then I realized something else, moments later. This would be the first time that he and I would be having sex with each other while totally _sober. _The whole sobriety thing had never passed my mind before, anyway. It never ever bothered me that when we would get sexual with each other we would usually be under some form of drugs or alcohol – minus that one day when we both went down on each other. When Randall walked in. I still try to forget about all of that.

Eli's hips ground into mine, causing a gasp to fall from my lips and my back to arch into his. It really wasn't long before both of us were undressed and our minds were consumed with the thoughts of our naked bodies touching each other. The unspoken about skin-on-skin contact that we both secretly loved. Eli breathed heavily into my ear, constantly whispering dirty little things that made my cheeks turn red.

"You'll go to Hell with a tongue like that, Goldsworthy." I purred.

"Save me, Sister Clare Diana. I won't be able to make it without you."

His teeth nibbled gently on my earlobe and I bucked my hips up off of the bed into his. I longed for him, as I always did. I moaned his name into his ear, and he chuckled huskily into mine. Our chests touched and the unbearable feeling of my bra constricting us from being totally naked began to tug at my mind. But suddenly Eli stopped. His lips lingered by my ear for long lasting seconds that made my lungs feel as if they were on fire.

"Let's do something." Eli muttered. I groaned loudly.

"You're seriously suggesting that we do something before we have sex?" I tried to laugh it off as if it was nothing, but Eli only smiled deviously at me.

"Let's do something you've never done before. We can have sex afterwards, I promise." He nuzzles his nose into my cheek, which causes me to blush hard and immediately give in. "As fantastic as my bed may be, we can return to it in a moment. In the meantime, follow me." He climbs off of me and stands to his feet. I take a moment to watch him as he stretches his shoulders, and the muscles in his beck seem to clench and release. He always looked so… scrawny, most of the time. But it was a moment like this that shaded that idea of him. He turned towards me slowly, staring down at me as I still lied on the bed staring at him. I could look at the little tattoos on his sides, the fifth one slashing through the fourth that made my heart flutter. I may have been the fifth but I was still important. "Come on, slow poke." He chuckled, and I hopped up and took his hand.

There was a door in his bedroom, one that didn't lead to the hallway but led to something else. When I had originally seen it, I assumed it was to a small walk in closet, but in fact it led to a private bathroom which Eli kept surprisingly clean. Eli turned on the shower, and let out a deep breath. I almost thought he was going to suggest we would take a shower together, and my heart began to beat a little faster at how romantic that seemed. But then he reached underneath the sink and pulled out a little bag of green material.

_Oh. _

I wasn't upset, technically. Of course I was a little excited we'd be sharing an intimate moment sober, but there was nothing I enjoyed more than a rush of excitement that was brought on by not only Eli but by unnatural causes. Eli instructed me how to lick the end of the funny feeling white paper and how to roll the substances into it. I had no idea what I was doing, honestly.

"You look nervous?" Eli laughed.

"I've never smoked weed before." I admitted, though it wasn't as if I was really admitting anything. Eli clearly knew that.

"It's just like cigarettes, only you get high off of it."

I nodded, understanding. "I thought you hated pot, though." I commented, remembering what Eli had told me about Fitz weeks and weeks ago.

"There's nothing wrong with it every once and a while. I prefer to sell the shit but there's absolutely nothing wrong with a little sample with my girl." He smiled at me, and I thought about coming up with another sentence about how Eli really didn't like marijuana, but the words _my girl _got to me before I got a chance to say anything. _My Girl. _

The bathroom became steamy after a short amount of time, and Eli lit up the end of the joints from a lighter he had stuffed into a drawer. I wondered why we couldn't just take a shower in the steaming water instead, but I kept my mouth shut. Eli seemed set on all of this. And a determined Eli was a sexy Eli. I knew that from experience.

"So just like a cigarette?" I asked, raising my voice slightly so that he would be able to hear me over the running water of the shower.

"Just like a cigarette. Only, you smoke it in your left hand." Eli instructed, as I switched the joint from my right hand to my left. "That's why sometimes they call it _the left handed cigarette. _That's how you tell if they're smoking pot or a cigarette. All by the hands." I laughed softly, and brought the lit joint to my lips and took a drag. The smoke immediately filled my mouth and lungs, and by my third or fourth hit, I could feel lightness in my chest. Eli and I would take turns jokingly breathing out the smoke into each other's faces, and I suddenly realized something. This high was nothing like all of the others.

All the other highs that came from pills or anything else that Eli would slip into my hand and I wouldn't question, were far more rapid speed. I'd see colours and hear noises and feel as if the world was on fire. But in this case, I just felt light. Like a cloud. I stared at the ceiling of Eli's bathroom, the fluorescent lights casting down on me and making me squint momentarily. This felt unreal in many different ways. I couldn't tell if this was better than the other highs, or just as monumentally great. I leaned forward, and pressed a single kiss to Eli's cheek.

"This is lovely." I whispered. Eli grinned.

"I'm glad you think so. Take another hit." I did as he told me to, and each of us finished each of our joints. It was strange, looking over at Eli and realizing that he was a bit blurrier than I had seen him moments before. Eli took the ends and rubbed them into the bathroom counter, and then threw them into the trash can. That was the first time I ever saw him properly put out ashes. "Come on." He stood to his feet (he was sitting on the toilet seat, and I on the counter) and turned off the shower. His hands reached for mine, our fingers interlacing as he pulled me down off of the counter and onto my now wobbly feet. This felt unreal. Like magic. I placed my hands on his bare chest and our marijuana stench breaths began to mix with each other. The usually revolting smell didn't seem so bad right about now.

"Are we going to have sex now?" I asked, and Eli laughed quietly.

"If that's what you want."

I nodded in agreement. "I'd like that very much." My fingers took tip-toe steps up his chest and they met behind his neck. And then our lips met. And kissing had never felt so good before. Eli placed lazy kisses down my jawline, kissing my neck softly as he stepped forward, and I stepped back. We continued itsy-bitsy steps until we had finally ended up falling against his bed. His mattress felt like a cloud. Eli's lanky fingers reached behind me, unhooking my bra and throwing it out of reach. I felt his tongue sweeping down my jawline and his mouth suckling gently on my neck and chest. He kissed the small valley between my chest, and I arched my back into him.

My mouth dropped open and heat pooled between my legs as Eli kissed my breasts. He was so carnivorous as he did so; each and every kiss and lick and suckle being rough yet sweet at the same time. My breath caught unexpectedly in my throat as Eli's knee slid in between my legs, causing an enormous amount of friction against me. His hands roamed around my body, holding my waist tightly in his hands at some points, and at others they would trace circles on my skin like patterns.

"Oh," I whimpered, "I love the way that you touch me."

It wasn't an _I love you_, but it was sure as hell close to it. It was like saying that I loved certain qualities about him. That I loved things that he did. And you have to love the things someone does to fall in love with them.

"I love to touch you." Eli said huskily. "I love your skin; it's so smooth and soft. You're always so beautiful."

I moaned lightly as the palm of his hand began to rub against the silk of my underwear. He slowly tugged at it, slipping it down away from my legs as he sat up to take them off, along with his own boxers. I closed my eyes and ran a steady hand through my hair in delight. I felt like the feather of a bird, floating away through the sky and being whisked around through the wind and the rains.

Eli grinded his hips into mine, erupting another heartfelt moan from my lips at the sudden contact. I could feel his hardness pressing up against my inner thigh, and I longed for it to be somewhere else.

"Eli…" I cried. I opened my eyes, and stared at his bloodshot green eyes. I wondered if my own were that red. "I want you so badly."

"I want you, too." He leaned forward towards me, his forehead pressing against my own, and hot breath being let out against my mouth. He smelled like marijuana – I didn't care. "I have to tell you something, though."

"Tell me, quickly." I breathed.

"We haven't done this since I told you that I loved you." He paused, and licked his lips. "I know you haven't said anything back yet, and that's fine, if you don't say it ever, I'll understand. But now that you know – you have to understand something. This isn't just a hookup for me anymore; this isn't just me fucking you. This is me loving you, and touching you, and feeling you in ways that I'm in love with. Because I'm in love with you."

I nodded slowly. "It was never just a hookup, Eli." I said, truth dripping from my tongue. "There were always feelings."

Eli kissed me slowly and gently. It was with complete passion and desire, and I could feel it with the way his lips moved against mine, and how his tongue would brush against mine oh so gently. He pushed into me softly, and moved at a slow, caring pace. I wondered if it was the drugs that were slowing life down, or if Eli genuinely wanted the moment to be a long, drawn out time. Each precious thrust of his hips seemed to last a decade. I clutched onto his shoulders, and held him close to me. His warmth taking over my body completely.

"Oh Eli…" I cried out, biting down on my bottom lip. "You feel so fucking good."

He moved a little faster, but still made sure the moment was utterly romantic. "You're so sexy when you swear."

"Faster, please." I begged.

Eli did as I asked, shifting his weight so that he could thrust into me quickly and I gasped in ecstasy. He slid his hands down my body, holding tightly onto my waist as he began to pound into me, the friction being absolutely amazing along with the enhancement of feelings thanks to the drugs. _Dear Drugs, thanks. Love, Clare Diana. _

"Oh – _fuck_!" I screamed. I wrapped my legs around Eli's torso and my head fell back into his pillows. "Touch me, touch me, please." I begged once again. I wondered how desperate I must have looked to him. No, he must have thought it was sexy. Or beautiful. Who knew what loving Eli Goldsworthy thought anymore.

But he did as I asked _again_, his thumb beginning to play with my sensitive bundle of nerves as he made everything feel like paradise. Eli Goldsworthy turned a shitty evening into paradise, that magnificent bastard. Eli kissed my neck, breathing deeply against my skin, the warm breathing making my body heat up in the process.

"Fuck, Clare Diana. Holy _fuck_."

I gasped for air, as if I was coming up from holding my breath under water. My legs trembled around him, my walls tightened around his cock and my whole body warmed up from the orgasm taking over. Everything felt so magnificent. I came down from my high – the sexual high, not the marijuana high – at the same moment Eli did, each of us moaning each other's names and biting onto our tongues. I licked and nipped at the skin of his neck, not wanting the moment to end, though I knew it had to. I loved his touch and his feel and nearly everything about him. Was I in love with him?

Eli pulled me into a tight embrace, cuddling me underneath his blankets and whispering _Clare Diana. Beautiful girl. My beautiful girl. _over and over into my ear as I shook. I was still shaking from how amazing he felt. I wanted us to have sex again. And again. And again.

"That felt amazing." I whimpered, and Eli nodded, his chin bumping slightly against the top of my head. I yawned, and finally said: "I'm so hungry."

"That's the medicinal." Eli laughed. His chuckle was so deep and husky that I couldn't help but be attracted to it. I was attracted to everything about him. Was I in love with him?

"_You're_ so amazing." I moaned into his bare chest.

"I love you, you know." Eli said to me. I kept wondering if he wanted me to say it back, but I knew that he didn't mind if I never even said it. No, I knew he would mind – but he pretended that he wouldn't.

"I know." I whispered. "Thank you."

"What for?"

I felt my breath catch in my throat and I tilted my head up to meet his eyes. "For loving me."


	12. Tell Me What To Swallow

**A/N**: Hi guys! Here's an update from yours truly. I don't know what came over me but I'm like totally into writing this story again. I like found my love for it all over again and I'm like screaming and crying over it because I know the ending and you guys don't! Anyway, leave me some lovely reviews because you guys always do. Seriously, thank you for the welcome back on this story! Also go read/review Halcyon because I know you will all love that as well. But review this one first and tell me all of your sweet little assumptions and predictions on what you think is going to happen; because I want to know. Tell me or else.

**Rating**: No smut sorry only alludes to it. Use your imagination.

**Disclaimer**: No I don't own Degrassi or the quote from _The Fault in Our Stars _used! If I did I wouldn't be a dick like John Green and the Degrassi writers are!

* * *

"The only girl he'd never hurt. The one who smells so pure_."** Tell Me What to Swallow || Crystal Castles**_

_"Eli, stop it."_ _I blushed, running my hands over his strong shoulders and scrunching my nose up tightly. He wouldn't relent though, leaving peppered kisses all over my cheeks and down my neck. His lips were so soft and so smooth and when he plunged them against mine I moaned softly at the feeling. So deliciously easy. Eli's tongue pushed its way gently into my mouth, exploring the inner caverns that my mouth had to offer. His tongue was so warm. _

_I giggled as he slid his hands down my waist and tickled my sides slightly. "Clare Diana," He whispers my name so effortlessly, and I open my eyes to see his green emeralds admiring me from above. "You're so beautiful." I smile. "I love you."_

_ "I love you too, Eli." I grin and peck his lips. "And when I go, I'll love you all the way to Canada and back."_

_ "No way," Eli shook his head quickly. "You're never going back to Canada if it's the last thing I do."_

_I sighed softly, and leaned my head against his pillows. "Kiss me again, Eli." _

_ "As you wish, my darling."_

…

I awoke from a pleasant sleep, finding myself in Eli Goldsworthy's bed in Eli Goldsworthy's room in Eli Goldsworthy's house. A place I had never expected myself to be. My head was pounding and my whole body felt disgusting. I sat up, shivering and grabbing for his blankets to pull up around my undergarment-clad body. I was cold and I was all alone. I didn't know how long I had been asleep, either. All I knew was I was dreaming about Eli, and thinking about Eli in a wanting sort of way. I guess I hoped I would wake up and find Eli right beside me – but I was wrong. There was no sign of Eli. He wouldn't have _left. _I knew him better than that. I knew him to take care of me. And leaving me all alone in his house wasn't exactly taking care of me.

I noticed my cell phone on the nightstand beside me, but unfortunately it was out of battery. Eli's lap top was open, and I squinted slightly to see what the background was. It was a picture of the two of us taken with his webcam. I didn't remember taking it, though honestly I didn't remember a lot of what I had done the night before. Just that I had never left his room because he wouldn't let me. Not because of some kinky dominance thing, but because he didn't want me to look at the rest of his house again.

I jumped slightly at the sudden noise that I heard throughout the room, as the lock on Eli's door was being unlocked and the door shifted open. There were a couple bags in his hands, but when his eyes laid on me, he dropped them to the carpeted floor. He looked shocked, or something.

"You're awake." He said flatly. I nodded.

"Yeah, so what?"

"You've been asleep for two days."

I nearly choked on my own spit. Two days? "What do you mean?"

"I mean you've been asleep for two freaking days." Eli said quickly, walking over to the bed and sitting down close to me. "We were drinking the other night and you passed out after a while. You didn't wake up until now. You've literally been sleeping for like, two days. Sorry I wasn't here when you woke up. I went to the bookstore, how long have you been awake?"

"Not too long," I told him. I tilted my head slightly so I could see the bag he had previously been holding. "What did you get at the bookstore?" I asked, trying to avoid any more talking about my blacking out. Eli got up from the bed and picked up the bag, pulling out _Looking for Alaska _and _Paper Towns. _I raised my eyebrows. "Huh?"

"You like John Green. I didn't know how long you'd still be asleep, so I was reading to you." Eli placed the books down on the bed, and reached for something else on the nightstand. I wonder how I hadn't noticed it sitting there. "I was reading this to you yesterday, but I finally finished it." He waved _The Fault in Our Stars _in front of my face. "It was super gay. The ending was horrible."

I snorted. "You're just upset that Augustus died, aren't you?"

"No," Eli said defensively, a smirk trying to hide. "Augustus was stupid and the book was stupid."

"You do realize you're like a clone of Augustus Waters, right?" I crossed my arms over my chest. Eli looked disgusted at the comment. "You even call me Clare Diana."

"Fuck you, no I'm not." Eli flipped the book over to look at the back cover and squinted as he read the tiny words. "I can't believe I read this to you while you were asleep. Good thing you couldn't hear my commentary. I was bashing it the whole time." Eli looked up at me for a millisecond before going back to the back cover. "_Maybe Okay will be our Always. _So cheesy."

"What's our always?" I asked. Eli shrugged, and elbowed me to get me to scoot over so he could climb in beside me. I allowed him to do so and he wrapped his arm around my shoulder.

"I dunno." He turned and looked at me, biting down on his bottom lip. "Hooking up and cigarettes."

I smiled. "Hooking up and cigarettes."

Eli flipped through the pages of the book, as if searching for something specific. "There was one part that I liked though." He admitted. I watched as he sifted through for the specific page.

"Let me guess, it was the sex, wasn't it?" I teased. Eli rolled his eyes.

"No, it wasn't the sex. In fact, the sex was so painfully bland I couldn't even get off to it." Eli cut himself off and turned to look at me. "Not that I would have, in case you were wondering." I raised my eyebrows and stifled a laugh, nodding towards the book to tell him to go on. "It was the part where Isaac and Hazel Grace have a fake funeral for him before he actually dies. It was humorous and touching all at the same time. Here," Eli said, grasping the pages in between his fingers. "It's right here."

And that's when Eli Goldsworthy gave me his impression of a southern Isaac No-Last-Name-Available.

"_Augustus Waters was a self-aggrandizing bastard. But we forgive him. We forgive him not because he had a heart as figuratively good as his literal one sucked, or because he knew more about how to hold a cigarette than any nonsmoker in history, or because he got eighteen years when he should've gotten more_."

"_Seventeen_." I interrupted, reading off of the page over his shoulder. Eli flashed me a grin.

"_I'm assuming you've got some time, you interrupting bastard. I'm telling you, Augustus Waters talked so much that he'd interrupt you at his own funeral. And he was pretentious: Sweet Jesus Christ, that kid never took a piss without pondering the abundant metaphorical resonances of human waste production. And he was vain: I do not believe I have ever met a more physically attractive person who was more acutely aware of his own physical attractiveness. But I will say this: When the scientists of the future show up at my house with robot eyes and they tell me to try them on, I will tell the scientists to screw off, because I do not want to see a world without him." _Eli finished, closing the book hastily and clearing his throat. "Only part I liked."

"I'm doubtful. But whatever you say, Eli Goldsworthy."

Eli placed the book back on the nightstand and cocked his head to look at me. "How dare you doubt me! You're lucky you didn't hear me insulting John Green a hundred times while you were asleep!"

"If you didn't like the book so much, how do you remember the authors name?" I challenged. Eli groaned.

"Shut up about the stupid book already." Eli raised a hand and touched my cheek softly, causing me to shiver slightly. I hated the way he had such an effect on me but… I loved it all at the same time. "I missed you so much while you were asleep," Eli said quietly, tucking a curl behind my ear. "I mean you were here – but you technically weren't. I missed your voice and the way your heart beats really fast when I kiss you." Eli lowered his voice into that sexy tone I had heard often.

I blushed. "You didn't do some kinky shit with me while I was asleep, did you?"

Eli gave me a playfully disgusted look and rolled his eyes. "Fuck no I didn't do that." He slid his hand down from my cheek and both of his hands met at my waist, his hands were cold, causing me to jump slightly at the feeling. "I'm not a pervert, Clare Diana." I laughed.

"Oh, you most certainly are!" I teased, and Eli squeezed my waist, tickling my sides suddenly. "Don't –" I warned, only to be silenced with his lips and his tickling hands again. He pressed me back against his pillows so that I was lying down, and I gasped at his touch. "Eli, stop it!" I giggled. It all started to feel like that dream I had been having before I had woken up from my two day slumber. It all felt so romantic and perfect… perhaps I did love him?

"Clare Diana…" He whispered, kissing down my neck. My heart rate sped up immediately. "You're so beautiful. I love you."

I swallowed, unsure of what to say. Whether or not to return the sweet words or to keep them to myself. Because I was still on the fence whether or not I was one-hundred percent sure of my true feelings for him. The love ones. But thankfully Eli's lips pounced onto my own again, ruining the moment for me to ever say the words back. I arched my back off of the bed into Eli's chest as he completely crawled atop of me and grinned from above. He just looked so happy. In a way, almost too happy.

I didn't want to ever have to see that smile leave his lips, though when the summer would end – I'd have to.

"I know what would make this moment perfect." Eli said softly, lips inches from mine.

"What?"

Eli pulled away from me, sitting up straight, balancing himself on his knees. "What drugs haven't we done yet?" Eli asked. I mentally scowled. Of course he'd be suggesting drugs again.

"_What_?" I asked again, and Eli grinned.

"Well, we've got to make this summer fucking memorable. When you go back to Canada you want to be able to tell all of your friends about all the cool shit you did in California, don't you?" Eli suggested. I had failed to tell him that I didn't have very many friends back in Canada aside from Alli Bhandari and an off and on friendship with Jenna Middleton. But at least he was thinking about me leaving, in some way. Neither of us had brought it up much other than a few short unspeakable sentences here and there.

When I didn't say anything else, Eli grinned and cracked his knuckles.

"Eli, wait –" I murmured. But Eli was already bouncing off of his bed and into his dresser drawer, looking for God knows what other new kind of drug he wanted me to try. To my surprise, Eli pulled the entire drawer out of its hinges and brought it back to me on the bed.

"Okay, here's the drug drawer." He gestured to his little stash in front of me. "Take your pick, Clare Diana. I've got everything you've ever heard of and probably a hundred more."

I stared absentmindedly at the overflowing drawer. Small plastic baggies of pills and powders lied around. Syringes and bongs and fucked up aluminum cans and deteriorating apple cores were the décor. I looked up at him suspiciously.

"Eli, are you a drug addict?" I asked.

"No." He answered quickly. "Why would you think that?"

I snorted. "You're kidding, right? Look at this drawer."

"This is the stuff I sell," he insisted. "It's not _technically _mine."

"Then how come you're offering me a free sample?" I countered. "How come you always give me a free sample? Think about it, Eli. How come the very first night, you sold _and _shared? You've never made me pay for anything."

"Because you're my girl and I love you."

"You didn't love me the first night," I argue. Eli let out a clearly nervous laugh and shrugged his shoulders.

"Where is any of this even coming from?" He snapped. Eli picked up the drawer and suddenly walked back to the dresser. "If you didn't want to do anything, fine. You didn't have to accuse me of being a fucking drug addict."

"Are you?" I ask. He quickly turned around and glared at me.

"No!"

"Well how am I supposed to know?"

Eli slipped the drawer back into its place before returning to the bed, standing in front of me. "You're supposed to fucking trust me."

"You know, Eli." I crossed my arms over my chest. "It's really hard to trust you when you never tell me anything. I mean, you only brought me to your house last week."

"Do you blame me?" Eli laughed. "It's a dump here. I'm embarrassed as hell that you're even here. You already judge me enough for this place and my language and how many people I've slept with; I don't want to add some misconception about me being a drug addict to your ever-growing list of my failures."

My expression softened dramatically. 'So… so you're trying to impress me?" I asked. Eli slipped his hands into the pockets of his jeans and shrugged. I sat on my knees, and crawled to the end of the bed. I held onto the edges of his coat to bring him closer to me; he smelled like fresh laundry, which was surprising since his house was so disgusting. "I don't judge you." I said honestly. "And you don't need to impress me, either. You already impressed me by helping clean up my house. You impressed me by tattooing a tally mark onto your side as a proclamation of love for me. You're pretty impressive yourself, Eli Goldsworthy."

Eli's lips curled into a smile, and his cheeks turned a rosy red that I'd never seen before. "Thanks." I could feel his arms sliding around my waist and meeting at the small of my back. But his admirable grin slowly faded into a look of curiosity. "But why are you so upset?"

I sighed. "I'm not _upset,_" I lied. "It's just…"

"Just what?" Eli urged.

"Just that you want to get high again."

"Huh?" Eli narrowed his eyebrows. "So what? We always get high and drink and shit." I nodded.

"You love me, right?"

"Yeah…" Eli said suspiciously.

"Then why is it that we're never sober when we have sex with each other?' I asked, finally bringing up the topic I'd been keeping bottled up for so long. Eli's hands fell to his sides, and it seemed as if he may have finally been able to get it. It had all clicked in his head and been put together like pieces of a puzzle. Maybe now he would understand why I wasn't in the mood for drugs, or alcohol or anything that could get me buzzed. Besides, Eli could get me buzzed just by giving me a sideways glance.

"So you want some… emotional, lovey-dovey kind of time." Eli assumed. I shrugged.

"I just want to be with you sober."

Eli nodded. "I can do that."

"Okay, cool." I smirked. "I was beginning to think maybe you couldn't get it up without the shit." Eli laughed out loud and pushed my shoulders so that I'd fall backwards onto his bed.

"Please, Clare Diana." Eli winked. "You and I and fifteen other girls and Mark Fitzgerald all know that I'm a sex God." I giggled uncontrollably as he slid his knees onto the bed and crawled to be over top of me; green daggers looking at me and giving me chills even though there was no reason for them. I swallowed my laughter as he began to place kisses onto my neck.

"I still think that's really strange." I told him. "I've kissed the lips that kissed Fitz's."

"You know, I've pulled you off of Bianca a couple times." He said. My eyes went wide. "You're pretty frisky when you're drunk."

"You're so weird." I breathed. "Most guys would kill to see their girlfriends kissing another girl; you seem to find it disgusting." Eli pulled his lips away from suckling on my skin to stare down at me. He studied my face for a moment, then nodded slowly.

"I'm sure it was obvious, and if it wasn't obvious you probably figured it out on your own that I dated Imogen once." I nodded slowly, unsure where the conversation was going. "I loved her a whole fucking lot and back then I was a dick – well, I still am a dick, but I was a much bigger dick before. And back then I _was _into the idea of my girl kissing another girl. But then… then it got weird. Because instead of it being like a one-time thing it happened all the time and eventually she told me that she liked girls and then ran off with Fiona Coyne." Eli laughed a little, and raised his hand to run his fingers through his hair. God, he looked hot when he did that.

"But you're friends with Imogen _and_ Fiona, I thought?" I asked, and Eli nodded.

"Yeah, after a while I kind of got over it. I mean, I never _really _got over it but I put up a front pretending I did. That's when I started getting mixed up with Bianca again and my infatuation for Imogen kind of faded away. I was really pissed at first," he admitted. Eli suddenly moved from hovering over me to lying beside me on the bed, staring up at his ceiling that was covered in _Fall Out Boy_ posters_. _"Like, all I ever did was talk shit about Imogen and how she ruined my life. How she had to become some lesbian and I used to make fun of her behind her back and even to her face sometimes. I hated her, and she was terrified of me."

"Why was she terrified of you?" I asked. Eli let out a puff of air.

"I was really popular and I could get everyone to gang up on her. Nobody liked her except for Fiona and being the psychotic bastard I am, I could say some pretty horrible things. Things I would never say to you, ever. Hell, I would never even repeat them." I could hear the shuffling through the drawer on his nightstand and I glanced over, seeing him pulling out his cigarettes and a lighter. "Smoke?"

"Sure."

Eli nodded, lighting both of us up before he dared to continue with his story. This was odd; him talking about himself. Sure, sometimes he would release little details about his former life that I'd never heard of, but this was pretty big. He'd never mentioned Imogen, or things with Bianca, or whoever the two other girls were. But now he was. And fuck, was I excited.

"Eventually I came to my senses and apologized. She deserved it, too. She deserved a way bigger apology than what I gave her. She forgave me and told me that even though she was with a girl that she would always love me. That kind of pissed me off but I hid my anger because I was in the mourning period, at that point. The time when you're trying to get over a girl and everything they say or do kind of pisses you off, but you loved them so much that you get over it because seeing them is better than not seeing them at all. So we're friends now, all three of us. I still hate seeing them… kiss each other or anything, but I'm over it. Besides, that was like – six months ago."

I rolled over onto my side so I could look at his face as he spoke about past flames. I wonder if I should have been jealous or anything, but I really wasn't. I was more… _intrigued _than jealous. Like a door to Eli's old life was finally being opened and I was finally able to step through it. Eli suddenly did the same, turning to look at me as he placed one hand on my waist just because he wanted to touch me.

"I never really talk about Imogen anymore. Not like that, I mean." He said quietly.

"You never talk about anyone you used to be with." I said. "Not like _that_, I mean."

Eli laughed a little and pressed his nose up to mine. "You never talk about Jake." Eli pointed out.

"Because Jake was a dick." I said, laughing. Eli smiled sincerely. There was this glaze over his eyes that reflected pure admiration for me. Or at least, I hoped it was for me. Because every time he looked at me it was the same way. That same loving way that I was now addicted to. Was it possible to be addicted to love, as painfully cheesy as that may have sounded? I leaned forward and pecked Eli's lips. "I feel all gross and sweaty." I said quietly.

"You _have_ been asleep for two days."

I groaned. "Don't remind me." I paused, my eyes lingering over his lips for a moment, how they were so perfectly formed. I sighed internally. "Come shower with me?"

"Okay." Eli smiled.

…

"And I, Adam Torres, being of sound mind and a C average report card, declare that this will be the best fucking night we will ever have like ever!" Adam shouted, one hand holding a half empty bottle of Crown and the other holding a full bottle of vodka to the night sky. He jumped up onto his stump and began waving his arms wildly in the air. "Just Clare! Pick a song! Any song! I'm like a fucking juke-box I know every fucking song in the world."

I shrugged my shoulders. "_This House is a Circus_?"

Adam took a deep breath and began singing – though it sounded more like screaming than singing, considering Adam couldn't really sing for shit – barbarically: "_THIS HOUSE IS A CIRCUS, BERSERK AS FUCK!" _Katie stood to her feet, grabbing the bottles of alcohol from Adam's hand before he would end up dropping them. She handed the Crown off to Eli and I and kept the Vodka for herself and Bianca, taking hearty sips and scowling moments after. Eli covered his ears, jokingly, and rolled his eyes.

"Adam, give up, you'll never be Alex Turner."

"FUCK YOU ELI, I AM ALEX TURNER!" Adam shouted, jumping down from the stump. He paced around the makeshift fire pit a few times before realizing that he wasn't exactly doing anything in particular.

Truth be told, Adam Torres was a very interesting drunk. I never really understood him, hell, I don't think anyone did, but he was entertaining as fuck to watch. Of the five or six times that we had gotten drunk together, he had proclaimed his love for Katie, eaten three or four cigarettes and even offered to give Eli a blowjob – which, Eli had turned down and I had done instead. And afterwards, Eli had told me _maybe I'm just drunk, but for your second blowjob ever, that was really fucking fantastic._

I glanced over to Fitz's usual spot, noticing it was empty. He wasn't around Bianca, or laughing at Adam like he normally would – he didn't seem to be anywhere. I looked around, ignoring Eli who was kissing my neck hungrily. He had accused _me _of being frisky when I was drunk, but he had really never taken a look into the mirror before. Finally, I'd noticed the flickering of an ember off in the distance, and the figure of Fitz wandering around looking rather lonesome. And perhaps it was the fact that I was drunk, or it was the caring side of me – I stood up to go and speak with him.

Fitz and I had never held a _real _conversation with each other before. Only mild words spoken back and forth and sometimes he would say something funny and I would laugh at it, but neither of us really ever spoke to each other until this moment.

"Hey," I said, leaning against a tree. Fitz glanced up from the cell phone in his hands to look at me. He looked almost confused to see me, bringing his joint up to his lips.

"Uh, hey." He growled. Fitz's voice always sounded like he needed to clear his throat, or like there was a cat scratching at on the back of his vocal chords. I always wondered why that was, but I never vocally questioned it. I stared at him for a moment, my eyes flickering back and forth between his joint and his eyes. "Can I help you?"

"Why aren't you hanging out with everyone?" I asked. Fitz only shook his head.

"Because you guys are fucking annoying?" He laughed, but then he added: "Especially Bianca, I'm pissed as fuck at her." Fitz admitted. He must've noticed my eyes staring at the joint in his hand, because he held it out to me. "You could just ask for a hit if you want one."

I tried to step back, but my back hit the tree. "That's okay. Eli says I shouldn't take anything from anyone except him."

"And you do _everything _that Eli says? Damn, you're as whipped as Imogen." Fitz said; I scowled. He continued to hold it out to me even though I had said no. "Besides, do you really think I'd be smoking it if there was something wrong with it?" I shook my head, realizing that that was probably true. So, drunkenly I leaned forward and snatched it from my hand. I'd only ever smoked marijuana once, so I had nearly forgotten the way it felt going down your lungs. How it felt significantly different than cigarettes did. "Don't tell Eli though, okay? He's not going to be pissed at you or anything, but he'll fucking cut my dick off if he knew I was even like, talking to you."

"What?" I furrowed my eyebrows. "Why would he do that?"

"Uh," Fitz laughed, "because he's fucking obsessed with you? We all know he got your tattoo, so, point blank – you're kind of fucked, Just Clare." Fitz reached for the joint back from me, taking a long hit from it before tapping the ashes onto the ground. "There's nothing wrong with Eli being in love with you and it's not like he gets clingy or something – it's that he pushes everyone else away to focus on you. I've known Eli since the second grade. I've been with him since all the ups and the downs. I've seen all his fucked up relationships and how they all crumble and how he runs back to the Fantastic Four for help." Fitz paused. "Does Eli even tell you about himself?"

I swallowed. "Some things, yeah." Fitz shrugged.

"I'm not saying Eli's a bad guy or anything; in fact, he's a great guy. But once you say that you love him, you're pretty much fucked." Fitz eyed me curiously for a moment, almost as if he was studying me. "Have you told him you love him?"

"_Clare Diana_!" Fitz and I both turned our views back to the fire pit.

"You'd better get back to him." Fitz waved his hand back to the group, and I nodded slowly. Before I left, I took another hit from Fitz's joint and smiled nervously.

"Thanks." I whispered and then gestured between the two of us. "Our secret."

I quickly made my way back to everyone else, being pulled into Eli's embrace when I finally arrived. He grinned and kissed my lips sloppily, drunkenly, cutely. "I missed you," he said into our kiss. "Where'd you go?"

"Nowhere, silly." I lied, and kissed his nose gently. "I just walked around a little bit and then came right back, honest." My lips seemed to sting, knowing they were lying when they spoke. Eli nodded, and pulled me back to our log where we sat down and he held me close.

But I kept thinking back to everything that Fitz had said. How telling Eli that I loved him would mean I was _fucked. _I almost wished I would have been able to stay longer to make Fitz clarify, but then again, I also didn't want to know the truth. I liked living in my own little world with Eli Goldsworthy that appeared to be drama free. Where there were no Fitz's to add confusion to the ever-growing mystery that was Eli. I reached down to the ground, picking up the bottle of Crown and bringing it hastily to my lips.

Maybe I could drink enough to forget everything Fitz had said. I'd done it before.

"Attention, fuckers and fuckettes; may I have your attention please!" Adam shouted, standing up on the stump again. "As you may know, it is the very middle of summer vacation today!" Adam pointed out. I had nearly forgotten. In fact, I was trying not to look at the dates on the calendar, hoping it might prolong my stay here with Eli. "And as all of you know, our very own Eli Goldsworthy turns eighteen in two fucking weeks!" My face lit up like a child on Christmas. Eli had failed to fill me in on this itty bitty detail.

But Eli seemed less excited about it as I was.

"Oh God, please don't." Eli groaned, burying his face into his hands. "You're going to take me to _Chuck E' Cheese's_ again, aren't you, you little shithead?"

"No! Eighteen is a way better number than seventeen so we have to actually celebrate this time!" Adam argued, sticking his tongue out at Eli. "But we did have a pretty fucking awesome time at good ole' Chuck's. You and Imo in the ball pit was hilarious as hell."

I shifted slightly on the log. I had never actually found myself jealous of Imogen before. Mostly because I knew Eli would never end up getting back with her or anything, and the fact that she was interested in girls now – but hearing so much about her all in one day seemed to be getting to me and making my stomach hurt. Or maybe it was all the alcohol. I took another sip.

"Don't remind me. That was the worst fucking birthday of my life. Please, don't do anything this year – I'm fucking begging you." Eli pleaded, but Adam held a hand up, and jumped down from the log.

"The first Fantastic Four minus Eli Goldsworthy plus Just Clare planning Eli's birthday party starts Friday. Be there or I'm going to fucking drag you to it." Adam warned, and then proceeded to drunkenly tell us about how excited he was to throw a gigantic birthday bash for his best friend. Like I said, Adam Torres was an interesting drunk.

Eli ran his fingers through his hair before turning to me, pursing his lips. I brought the bottle up to my lips again and took a drink.

"Don't let them plan me a shit party, Clare Diana. It's my eighteenth birthday." He warned, a smile tugging at the corners of his lips.

"You're in grade eleven, why are you turning eighteen?" I asked, curiously. "Shouldn't you be turning seventeen like everyone else?"

Bianca seemed to have been eavesdropping on our conversation because she yelled excitedly: "Eli Goldsworthy failed the second grade!"

"Bee!" Eli barked, turning around and glaring at her. "It's a Fantastic Four secret." Eli scowled. I crossed my arms over my chest.

"Eli, I don't know if you failed to remember, but your girlfriend's kind of part of the Fantastic Four." Bianca pointed out. Eli turned back to me, and smiled nervously.

"Right. I uh, forgot." He leaned forward and kissed my mouth quickly, leaving me with his delicious taste. "Well, uh, yeah, I uh…" Eli scratched behind his neck, an embarrassed colour of pink tinting his cheeks. "I was kind of a dick in second grade and uh, I had to repeat it."

I laughed, rolling my eyes. "You would."

"You love it." Eli placed his pointer finger on my bottom lip, dragging it down slightly. "God," his gaze flickered back and forth between my eyes and my lips. "You're _so_ fucking beautiful."

I drank much, much more that night, hoping that Fitz's words would be able to be erased from my mind, but it didn't work that way. When I woke up the next morning in the back of Morty, blankets wrapped around the both of us, I could still hear his cat-scratchy voice tempting my mind.

_You're kind of fucked, Just Clare. _

But Eli looked so peaceful lying there beside me. I couldn't have been fucked.

_Have you told him you love him?_

I kissed his cheek, adoring how soft his skin felt to my lips.

_Our secret._

I was fucked.


	13. Pale Flesh

**A/N**: thirty six days later I finally update this bad boy. I'm really sorry - I just had no idea how to end this chapter and you'll see from the ending how miserably done it is. Big big big apologies! Also I'm super packed with things to do this month (I'm seeing the Arctic Monkey's next next week, it's a pretty big deal and also my license test) and I can't say I know exactly when the next chapter will be written/updated. Also - you should all check out Halcyon if you haven't already. It's a pretty great fic. All of you guys would love it to Gallifrey and back (doctor who reference). ALSO: thank you all for sticking around and reviewing this fic like you have, we're almost at 200 reviews and it means SO much to me! If we can get it to 200 reviews on this chapter i'm pretty sure I'd cry. I love you guys.

**Disclaimer**: I don't own Degrassi but I love you guys so it makes up for it.

* * *

"Place the ash on their foreheads; an impression to embed. Born-Again before teething - collect tears from their weeping." _**Pale Flesh | Crystal Castles**__  
_

I had never thrown a party before. And considering the only parties I had ever been to I'd been taken by Eli, throwing a surprise birthday party for him was proving to be difficult. Although it was most certainly not a surprise. Because every five minutes Eli would make a comment to me saying:

"Don't fuck up my birthday, Clare Diana."

Or:

"I'm counting on you for this, Clare Diana."

And sometimes:

"It's my fucking eighteenth, Clare Diana, this shit better be fantastic."

It was quite the weight being put on a seventeen year old girls shoulders to put on an amazing party for a guy who had seen too many great things in his lifetime for his own good. Considering all he really ever did was get drunk or high, it would be hard for me to come up with something so intricately awesome to surpass all of his highs. But I knew I could do it. Because even if the party did suck, I knew Eli would still pretend it was amazing for my sake. Also, I was fucking Clare Diana.

We all decided that it would be held on his birthday in Wonderland. Adam made up some comment about how he had saved a shit ton of fireworks and sparklers from his trip to Fillmore on the fourth of July so we could use those for fun. Bianca said she would be on alcohol duty. Katie was instructed to round up guests (which, apparently, wasn't going to be hard at all). And lastly, Fitz was on the hard drugs duty. I was in charge of setting up the space to look fucking fantastic for a nighttime bash, and to provide snacks and shit. I don't know why I was given the easiest, yet hardest job of them all, but I took it graciously. I wouldn't know how to get people, drugs, alcohol or fireworks anyhow.

The special day approached rather quickly, unfortunately, giving the five of us nearly no time to plan and get it all spaced out. I required that Eli would stay far, _far _away from Wonderland until I was ready for him, promising him with a very nice reward for his patient waiting. A reward that wasn't exactly a fantastic birthday gift – one that would most likely result in sexual favours. I think Eli was aware of that when I had told him so.

So when the day finally arrived, we decorated the fuck out of the place, hanging Christmas lights and signs everywhere. We set up a table for drinks and a bowl full of the drugs Fitz had gotten. There was another table set up for marijuana where Fitz called it the 'roll your own joint' stand. And lastly there was a table full of miscellaneous snacks and other goodies. I didn't know it until later, but Fitz was charging people five dollars to get in – none of us really gave a shit, to be honest. We hooked up an extension cord from the car battery of Katie's Honda for the lights and the music, and just before the party had begun, we all took a step back to admire our work.

"Eli's going to like this." Bianca said, putting an arm on my shoulder. "And he doesn't like much in life except for like, you." I smiled at that comment.

"This party is going to be fucking amazing!" Katie beamed, jumping to stand up on one of the tree stumps. It reminded me of Adam. "I declare this party – officially started!"

…

The party was in full swing. There was dancing and music and alcohol and everyone seemed to be enjoying themselves immensely. I grinned absentmindedly to myself when I realized I'd done it. I'd planned a party. I'd planned _Eli Goldsworthy's _party. I had a lot of weight on my shoulders, wondering if I'd be able to get this done or not, but now that it all seemed to come together, I couldn't help but grin. Eli approached me, a red plastic cup in his hand, and he smiled.

"I've got to say," he starts, sliding an arm around my waist. "You did better than I expected, Clare."

"Ouch, I'm going to pretend that didn't just hurt." I teased, crossing my arms over my chest.

"The only parties you've been too, I've dragged you." He pointed out. I rolled my eyes. "Anyway, thanks. This'll be a pretty memorable eighteenth birthday."

"You bet it will be." I reached for the cup out of his hands and frowned at its light weight. "I'll go get you some more, birthday boy. You just stay here and look cute." I told him, skipping off away from him to where Adam was manning the drinks. We had set up a table with barstools as a makeshift bar, where Adam would pass out beverages to the guests. When I arrived, Katie, Bianca and Adam were gathered around, looking nervous. "Can you fill this bad boy up with some coke and tequila? Eli's running low."

"We've got worse problems than Eli's minimal amounts of alcohol, Just Clare." Bianca said. I frowned.

"What, have the cops found out about us already?" I asked. Adam shook his head.

"Worse than police." He said.

I placed the cup down on the table and held my hands up in confusion. "What could be worse than the police?" All three of them looked at each other before – in unison – saying:

"Talia."

Nothing seemed to be making sense. My head was a bit cloudy due to the alcohol I'd consumed earlier, and all of them were speaking words that made my head spin. I thought about questioning who they were talking about, asking for them to tell me who she was, and what was going on – but before I could even utter a word, Katie opened her mouth and said:

"We're not supposed to talk about her."

"Oh, come on, Katie." Bianca rolled her eyes. "Eli is _never _going to tell her. We don't have to tell her everything, just the gist of her." I glanced back and forth between the two of them as they argued about whether or not to tell me about this mystery girl. I already had my suspicions before they had even told me. Talia must have been one of the four girls. And this one must have had a negative outcome, being the reasons why I had never heard a bit about her. I at least knew Imogen, and I knew of Bianca – but never the other two. I guess I was about to meet one of them.

"Fine. Tell her." Katie tossed her straight black hair over her shoulder and scowled. I watched as her fingers tapped the table quickly, indicating for Adam to make her a shot. He reached underneath the table, pulling out a shot glass and a bottle of vodka and began to fill up the glass for her. "But when Eli finds out and goes fucking crazy, leave me out of it." She downed the shot in a matter of seconds, flashing all of us a scowl before heading off into the abyss of people. I looked back and forth at Adam and Bianca.

"Well?" I asked. "Are you going to tell me or what?"

Bianca shifted awkwardly in place, rubbing her hand along the table. "Talia… is the girl that got Eli into drugs."

"He was the first girl Eli ever actually got into anything physical with, and he was so into her but she never reciprocated the feelings. Eli will never let us talk about her – _ever _and shit, I don't want to talk about her. She's terrifying as hell." Adam added, finally pulling out the two drinks I had asked for to make Eli's drink. I had almost forgotten about it. "I don't know how she heard about Eli's party – and I also don't know why she'd want to come. Eli like, threatened to kill her."

"That wasn't serious, Adam. He was just angry." Bianca rolled her eyes.

"Uh, no. It was totally serious. '_You ruined my life and I hate you, and I want to see you fucking dead'_? Sounds a bit like a death threat to me." Adam sloshed the drinks around a little bit in the cup before handing it back to me. "Do us a favor and keep Eli distracted so he doesn't see or hear about Talia. If he does, you're screwed."

"And keep your mouth shut. Don't even _think _the name Talia."

I nodded quickly. I was about to walk away, when Fitz approached us, bumping into me. He smiled. I guess the two of us were on good terms after our little chat at the Fantastic Four meeting, and over the past two weeks of getting Eli's party ready. "Hey guys." He told Adam to fix him a shot, while Bianca looked him up and down.

"Dude," Adam started, pouring the shot. "Talia's here."

"Yeah, I know." Fitz says nonchalantly. "I invited her."

It's dead silence between the four of us. Out of the corner of my eye I can see Adam overfilling the shot glass and Bianca dropped her cigarette. I think about letting Eli's cup slip from my hands and fall to the ground, but I don't want to be that dramatic considering I barely even know the situation.

"Are you out of your fucking mind!?" Bianca yells, pushing on Fitz's chest. He stumbles back a little, holding his hands up in defense. "You fucking prick! You're going to kill Eli without even trying!"

"Relax." Fitz rolled his eyes. "Eli will be fine. He has Just Clare here."

"This is _Talia _we're talking about, Fitz! Talia! Why on earth would you invite her!?"

Nonchalantly, Fitz picked up the over-poured shot glass and downed it in a matter of seconds. I stared at him. I didn't know what I was supposed to say or do. This whole Talia situation had caught me rather off guard when it came to the party. I'd expected it to go smoothly. Then again, this was Eli we were talking about. Mysterious Eli. I should have expected something might go wrong. I shook my head and placed the cup back down on the table. I was going to take charge. I needed to fix this situation.

"Okay. Here's the plan." I began sternly. Fitz looked as if this was unimportant to him. I tried to ignore it. "You two keep an eye on Talia," I said to Adam and Bianca. I turned to Fitz. "You need to keep her busy. You invited her, so you're going to entertain her. Fuck her, for all I care. Just don't let her ruin –"

"There's no way in hell I'm going to hang out with Talia." Fitz laughed, placing the glass down. "I only invited her because she got us the drugs for tonight. It wasn't because I wanted to be around her. She's the most fucking annoying thing I've ever encountered in my entire life."

Adam snorted. "So true."

I looked back and forth between the two boys before balling my fists in aggravation. "Okay!" I yelled. "Okay I'm going to keep Eli busy. I'll do whatever I have to do. I just have to make sure I keep Eli away from her."

"Keep me away from whom?" A voice said behind me. I turned around. Of course he was there. "Jesus, Clare Diana, you took so long to get me a drink, I was afraid something bad happened to you." Eli leaned forward and placed a gentle kiss to my cheek before reaching for his cup. He took a light sip. "Anyway, who are you keeping me away from?"

I blinked.

Here we go.

Let the distracting begin.

"Katie!" I exclaimed, throwing my hands into the air. "She's got your big surprise."

"Surprise?" Eli asked. Adam nodded.

"Oh yeah, it's the shock of a lifetime."

I glared Adam's way and grasped Eli's hand in my own. Adam mentioned something about going to get the fireworks set up, and that it was Bianca's turn to watch the drinks table. She protested for a while, complaining that Katie should do it for her, but after a few moments Bianca finally gave in and worked the table. I did my best to try and keep Eli's mind off of his fake surprise from Katie, but every few minutes he would bust out saying something like:

"Come on, Clare Diana, just tell me the surprise!"

I laughed it off, kissing his lips softly as we danced around Wonderland. The music reminded me a little of the night I had gone to the rave with Eli. The night that really kicked everything off. I wondered if I had said no to going to that – if I had never had sex with Eli, would we still be in this position? Or would I be spending the summer with Randall, trapped in a house with no air conditioning and cold showers all summer long.

Katie came around, passing out sparklers to everyone around us, and lighting each of them as she handed them out. Eli gave me his own, and watched me as I twirled around in circles, trying to forget the mess we were in and shrug it off as if it was nothing. Though it was definitely not nothing. Eli and I danced, and kissed, and sparkled in the night. I don't think I had ever seen him as happy as he appeared to be in this moment.

Which is why I was now so desperate to save Eli from one of his evil ex-girlfriends. I only now wished that Eli could have filled me in on his past and let me know the bits and pieces of what seemed to make her so horrifying. I always was fine with Eli keeping secrets about his past, but now I yearned to know what was so important about Talia… besides the fact that she supposedly was the one that got Eli into all of this. I knew I'd find out eventually – hopefully. But I was always too scared to intrude, anyway.

Suddenly, the music cut out, yanking me from my thoughts.

"Okay, everybody! The great and powerful Adam Torres has the fireworks set up!" Adam yelled, earning a few cheers from others in the crowd. "Hold onto your butts, and if this thing gets fucked up – grab your shit and run for your fucking lives." Adam instructed, joking, mostly. He told me that he had around ten to twelve medium sized fireworks and two large ones for the grand finale. It sounded so exciting, and Eli squeezed my hand, indicating that he was thrilled as well. And then Adam let the show begin.

Eli grinned up at the fireworks blasting through the night sky. Flashes of pinks and purples and golden colours lit up the darkness and created stars for seconds. Eli always told me there were no stars here – but there were tonight. He slid his arm around my waist, pulling me close to him as our eyes were glued to the sky above us. There were _oohs _and _ahhhs _from others around us, but Eli was completely silent – like he had never seen fireworks before, though I knew he had. Maybe it was because he was intoxicated, but his eyes were alive with light and excitement – the reflections of the fireworks gleaming in his eyes. He looked so happy. I hoped the whole night he would be able to be this happy. I hoped that none of the horrible distractions would get in the way and he would be able to focus on the fireworks for the rest of the summer.

I leaned up towards his ear, whispering a soft _happy birthday, Eli _into his ear while he stared in awe. I kissed his cheek, and pulled away as the fireworks began to die down. Adam yelled from far off that there were only a couple left and if we wanted to use them to just holler. And surprisingly, Eli cheered on for the last two. He turned to me, his mouth curled into a grin and admiration in his eyes.

"Thank you, Clare Diana." He said honestly, planting a kiss onto my forehead. "You have exceeded my expectations." The sound of a firework went off as Eli quickly changed his view to above us so he could stare once again. His smile was contagious, and I giggled like an idiot – the tipsy side of me taking over as I yelled loudly for Adam to let the last one loose. Everything was so vastly perfect, it was as if it was begging to be disrupted.

"Goldsworthy!" A voice called from behind us. At first I thought it was Katie, or Bianca –but neither of them would ever call him by his last name. The last firework shot off into the sky, and I turned around to see who it was. She had long, wavy blonde hair down to a little ways past her breast, and she wore a smug grin on her face. I couldn't help but notice her outfit, which, was incredibly sleazy. I knew that over the course of the summer I had dressed a bit… provocatively – but never that bad. She was wearing a sea foam green crop top and cut off with scissors shorts. I'd never seen her before, but just getting a glimpse of her, and hearing the way she said Eli's name – I could tell who it was.

Eli didn't move. It was like he was frozen solid in time staring at those fireworks, and that everyone else around him and I were invisible and unimportant. I liked that – but this was all going downhill now. I quickly turned back to Eli, trying to ignore the voice – but when I caught a glance at Eli's face, it was white as a ghost. He must have heard her calling for him – he must have known who could have said his name.

"Are you okay?" I asked, trying to play it off as if I had no idea of the situation that was coming in a matter of seconds. Because out of the corner of my eye I could see her approaching. I glanced over the crowd, hoping for any sign of Adam or Bianca or Katie or even Fitz, for fucks sake, to come out of nowhere and save the day. But Adam was cleaning up the fireworks, and Katie was helping him. Bianca was kissing some random, and Fitz – I didn't know where Fitz was. "You look like you've seen a ghost." I point out, laughing a little at the end of my sentence. It comes out forced though, and Eli glances at me suddenly.

"You know, don't you." He says flatly. I narrow my eyebrows. I can feel my heart rate pick up and thump in my chest drastically. He knows that I know – how could he know?

"K-Know what?" I stutter, kicking myself in the ass in my head for being so dumb.

"Her." He says again. We both look over at Talia standing a few feet away, hands on her bare hips and her eyes looking us over. "You know about her." I don't say anything. I don't _really _know about her, but I know who she is. But my mouth seems glued shut and I can't come up with an excuse. Eli takes a step back. "This was Katie's _surprise _wasn't it?" He asks. "You were trying to keep me away from Talia."

The girl's attention seems to pipe up at the mention of her name. "I haven't' heard you say my name in _ages_, Eli!" She cries, clasping her hands together now and stepping closer to the two of us. I stare suspiciously at her as she comes so close that she can wrap an arm around his shoulder – and she does. "You look _so good._ Why is it that I haven't seen you since we lost Narnia. Do you guys even call this place that, anymore?" She asked. I cleared my throat.

"It's Wonderland, now." I intervened. She didn't even look at me.

"Is it?" Her voice is dripping with a substance that seems to make my head spin. It was a hypnotizing sort of tone that seemed to slow down the beat of my heart. I couldn't even find some sort of will to fight against her as she smoothed a hand over Eli's chest, touching him in a romantic sort of way that I might do. "I missed this place." Talia looked around. "I missed you a whole lot more, Goldsworthy." It looks as if she's about to lean in to give him a kiss, but Eli stumbles back. It looks almost accidental, and I'm thankful for even an accident.

"D-Don't…" Eli mumbles, shoving his hands into his pockets and staring down at the dirt covered grass. "Not tonight. I don't even know how you heard about this party."

Talia laughed, and it sounds as if it came right out of the _Wizard of Oz. _I stare at her, almost angrily, though I have a clear view of the back of her head. "Oh Eli, Fitz invited me!" She says cheerfully. I bite my lip. "He asked me for the drugs, and I gave it to him. Why _else _would I want to go to _your _party?"

I think about spitting out some words about how she had just tried to kiss him, but I don't get the chance because Eli's head shoots back up at Talia, and in a sheer second, glances at me, then back to Talia. "Fitz had you get the drugs." Eli said sternly. She said yes, and began to go on about how she gave him a great deal, and all that bullshit. But Eli isn't focused on that. Suddenly, he pushed her out of the way and gets closer to me, his eyes full of complete and utter worry. "Have you taken anything?" He demands, and I shrug.

"I don't know – something, maybe." I answered. Eli shook his head.

"No, Clare Diana, _have you taken something? _I need to know! Think, think hard!"

I try to reel back my mind like a super-8 film, trying to recall if I had something. In fact, yeah, I think I had taken a few hits off of someone's joint – and of course I had several drinks. But other than that, I appeared to be clean. I shook my head no, and Eli sighed in relief.

"Thank fucking God." Out of nowhere he pulled me into a close hug, and held on tightly. "I could have lost you."

I have no idea what this means, and in a way, I don't want to know.

"I'm not going anywhere, Eli – I'm right here and I'm totally fi–"

"You two are _pathetically_ cute." Talia butts in, and both Eli and I unhinge ourselves from each other and take a step back to stare at her. I'm nervous, for some reason. She just produces this vibe that could scare you out of your own skin. Eli had a cold expression on his face. You could read utter anger off of the veins in his neck, and in the way he stood; legs equally spread apart, completely straight, fists in balls. He appeared to be steaming, but I wasn't quite sure why.

If only Eli would tell me about himself.

"Fuck off and die, Talia." Eli spat, taking a few deadly steps closer to her. "If anyone here gets hurt tonight, I swear to God I'll –"

"Jesus, Goldsworthy, I never said I poisoned your drug supply." Talia laughed. No, it was more of an evil sort of giggle.

"No, but you would pull a stunt like that."

Talia scoffed. "Fitz paid me top dollar for what I gave him," she stepped forward. They were close again, and I felt a pang in my heart and I didn't know why. "I can't believe you'd accuse me of something like that. Who do you think I am?"

"I think you're Talia Gray and I know the way you work." Eli argued. I took a couple steps back, getting lost into the midst of the crowd behind me. I was bumped around and pushed through what seemed like an endless sea of people. I could still catch a glimpse of Eli and Talia from far away, until a hand grabbed onto my arm and spun me around. It was Adam.

"Where's Eli!?" He yelled as a group to our right started chanting.

I shook my head. "Talia found him."

Worried, Adam ran a hand through his hair and took off in another direction. I pushed past a few people to follow him, thinking about calling for him over the crowd but all of a sudden my throat felt dry. I turned around again, unsure of which way was right and which way was left. I knew that the drink station was somewhere, and Katie or Bianca might have been there – so that was probably my best bet to go. Things were starting to feel blurry, though I told myself that this was just my imagination. With Eli and Talia mentioning fucked up drugs it must have been getting to my head. The two or three hits were fine and I was just paranoid. It had to be this way.

"Just Clare!" Katie called. She waved me over towards the drink table, which I had so luckily found. She was smiling, so she obviously hadn't heard the news about the Talia and Eli interaction just yet. "Can you man the drinks? I was on duty but I have to go call Margret to let her know I'm not fucking dead." I nodded. Margret was Katie's mother. She didn't used to be an overprotective mother until Katie's first almost-overdose on oxy-cotton. Since then (which was apparently the destruction of Mystery Spot), she has had Katie on a leash and planned to stay that way until Katie had graduated high school. "Thanks. I promise I won't be too long. I know you're probably having a _fantastic _time with Eli." She winked, and took off.

I did as Katie asked, watching the drink station and occasionally having a few drinks for myself as I watched it. I couldn't tell if I was exactly drunk or not, but my further actions must have proved that I was. Fitz showed up and asked for something to drink, which I obliged.

"Can I ask you something?" I said.

"I guess." He shrugged, taking the drink I had made for him and taking a large gulp. "What is it?"

"Is there something wrong with the drugs here tonight?"

Fitz narrowed his eyebrows at me. "It's drugs," he laughed. "There's always something wrong with it."

"No," I shook my head, "I mean did Talia put something on the weed or something?"

"Nah," Fitz finished off his cup and placed it down on the table in front of me. "She and I are cool; she wouldn't pull shit like that. Why, are you feeling weird or something?"

I couldn't tell if I was or not, so I just shook my head. "No. I just want to make sure. Eli's really mad." Fitz snorted, trying to stifle a laugh for a moment.

"Oh God, Eli and Talia met up? I'd sure like to see that."

"He was going on and on about how if anyone got hurt tonight he would personally have her head on a platter." I giggled. "Or at least I think he said that."

Fitz rolled his eyes. "Eli would overdramatize something like that for you. Anyway, if you want more pot you'll be fine. Besides, you've gotten faded before." Fitz pulled out an almost crumpled up joint out of his pocket and placed it down the table in front of me. I eyed it curiously for a moment, before looking back up at Fitz. "For your magnificent services, bartender." And then he was off.

My eyes stared at the screwed up joint in front of me. It looked so innocent – so… _pathetic _that my head continued to tell me that there was nothing wrong with it. Besides, Fitz had assured me that it was fine. And though it wasn't as if I trusted Fitz one-hundred percent, he appeared to be smoking and taking other drugs the entire night. I would be fine. I would be fine. _I would be fine._

So, I threw all caution to the wind and brought the joint and cigarette up to my mouth and inhaled deeply.

Jesus – marijuana was so incredibly nice and for once I agreed with Fitz on the matter of smoking it. Of course I still had that long desire for a cigarette, but this feeling made my head spin. So I took a few more hits before snuffing it out and leaving it in a spot behind a cooler so I could possibly return to it later. Who knows, right?

I wondered if searching for Eli at this time was a good idea or not. The music was loud, and the crowd of people was many – so finding him seemed to be a difficult task and I was cross faded as fuck at the moment. So I decided not to go looking for him; he could find him if he needed me. It never really crossed my mind that something could be happening to him and Talia. I trusted him; I knew that he loved me. Why would he need a former flame, anyway? One that he appeared to loathe passionately?

I danced a bit. With people I hardly even knew, others I had seen a few times, and occasionally a bit of dancing with Katie and Bianca. I think Katie had mentioned something about Adam going off to find Eli, because apparently he had ditched his own party – but I don't remember very much anymore. I don't remember anything after me dancing anymore.

I felt dizzy. And my head started to pound and my heart started to beat four or five times faster. It felt as if everything was put into overdrive. The lights burned brighter, the drinks were tastier and everyone that touched me was so warm and so loud. At first, this all felt like cloud nine. How I felt when I had taken ecstasy. But I hadn't taken any pills. I'd only smoked and drank – so how could I have been feeling like this?

"Just Clare!" Bianca yelled over the music. She grabbed my arm and pulled me away hastily from the group of people I was dancing with. There were two of her – or… at least it looked like there were two of her. I grinned at the sight of her presence. "You look horrible, you know that, right?"

"What?!" I asked. "I feel amazing!"

"Are you sure?" She questioned. I tried to step back to get away from her, but she hastily threw the back of her hand to my forehead and narrowed her eyebrows.

"Honey, you're burning up. What have you taken tonight?"

"Like – nothing. I just smoked a joint and drank like, a whole lot." I promised, nodding my head for what seemed like several minutes. Now time was slowing down. At first, everything was sped up in hyper drive, but now every word Bianca spoke sounded as if someone had digitally altered her tone. I laughed at this.

"Well, shit – you got slipped something."

"What!?" I yelled. Bianca nodded, slipping her hand into mine and pulling me away.

"Girl, you're overdosing. We need to get you out of here before something bad happens."

I shook my head, batting her hand away from mine and stepping back. "I'm fine, Bianca!"

"Clare –" This was the first time anyone in the Fantastic Four had ever left the _Just _off of my name. "Clare, I've overdosed before, I know what's going on. We need to get you back to your house."

I scoffed. "I'm not going home, are you crazy?"

"No, _you're _the one being crazy!"

Stumbling, I pushed her out of my way and took off in the other direction. No. There was no way I was going back to Randall like this. Hell, I wasn't planning to go back to Randall at all in the first place, so certainly like this was not the way I was hoping. There was only one thing on my mind at this point and it was Eli. I had to get to him. I needed him to assure me that I was fine – that nothing was wrong at all. How could I trust Bianca, anyway? I was fine. I was just crossed as shit and that was that.

I followed the extension cord that I had led back to Morty, though there appeared to be four or five. Or maybe it was just my imagination, due to the fact that my vision was shot.

"Clare!" A voice called, grabbing onto my arm. Instinctively, I screamed, turning around and trying to get away, until a hand covered my mouth and the face came into view. "Chill out," they laughed, grinning, "it's only me."

I blinked. It was Eli. How had I not recognized his voice? I sighed, throwing my arms around his shoulders and pulling him tightly towards me. He was boiling hot in his jacket, and I wondered if I was sweating like a pig. "I missed you!" I shouted, though it wasn't that loud out where we were. We appeared to be a significant distance from the party, which I was glad of. I wanted to be alone with him. Not near Bianca or anyone else that might try to tell me that I wasn't fine.

It could have been my imagination, but I heard voices calling my name from behind us – where the party was. Like they were looking for me.

"Bianca says I'm going crazy." I say as I pull away to look into his eyes. When I expect to see him smile, he frowns drastically, worry etched in his eyes. "Not you too!" I cried, turning away and running a hand through my hair.

"Are you okay?"

"I'm fi –"

But that was all I was able to get out.

Because things seemed to spin and flash – and my hearing cut out and all that was left was a blackness in my head and eyes that consumed me. There was nothingness. _I_ was nothingness. It was cold and there was no Eli or anyone. I was all alone in a lost world of my unconsciousness. I had to be dead. Was I dead?

But I couldn't be dead. Because when someone loves you, you never die.

* * *

**A/N**: Sorry if the ending sucked; I've never exactly overdosed before. Please please please hit me up with some reviews - Let's try to get Celestica to **200** reviews!


	14. Kerosene

**A/N**: Wow I wrote this rather quickly. Be proud of me everyone. Anyway, THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR THE 200 REVIEWS. I will give you all kisses for being so absolutely fabulous. I honestly don't have much to say except for this story is almost coming to a close and it's so cute and I'm so absolutely fucking happy with this whole story it's amazing. Seriously I love all of you so much. Okay. Okay. Enough of me - here is chapter fourteen. This chapter is for Breanna because she's being so patient right now ((not really, you little shit)). I love yooou

**Disclaimer**: I don't own Degrassi but I saw Marina and the Diamonds last night.

* * *

"I'll protect you from all the things I've seen. And I'll clean your wounds, rinse them with saline." _**Kerosene | Crystal Castles**_

If anyone ever tells you that you don't dream when you are unconscious, they are a goddamn liar. Call them out on it, too, because I dreamed several dreams when I was under. Some were about Eli and others were about my father and I remember I had one where I was back in Canada – and none of this had ever happened. I had never been sent away for the summer and instead, I was wrapped up in a world of trying to get over Jake while he dated some skank he had met at the Dot. In fact, this entire dream, which seemed to last months and months on end, made me forget Eli entirely. By the end of it all, I had no reconciliation of a dark haired, green eyed, fucked up teenager that had ruined my life. I was purely Clare Edwards. A boyfriendless, misunderstood bookworm that seemed to have lost all of her friends to the cheerleaderpocalypse. The dream world was bullshit, though. Even the dreams that did involve Eli. They were meaningless and he faded out of view before I ever got a chance to relock our lips like I longed to. In my own world of sleep, I longed most for reality. And while on most occasions I would hate reality, this was completely different.

My hearing is what returned, foremost. I could hear the beeping of the heart monitor, and the sound of someone breathing beside me. When my vision came back, I opened my eyes and there he was. The man from my dreams – Eli. He appeared to be asleep, in a too-small-for-his-own-good metal chair a few feet away from where I was. Every once and a while he would squirm in his seat, kicking his feet and shifting awkwardly. It reminded me of the way dogs dream.

I took this time while Eli was asleep to figure out where I was. The walls were white and there was a window behind Eli's head which led to a long hallway full of men and women in scrubs carrying clipboards and their hair in high ponytails or buns. The bed I was lying in was so firm it was nearly unbearable but I didn't dare to open my mouth and say anything. There was an IV hooked into my arm and when I looked around a little more, there were several machines that I couldn't put names to. Obviously, I was in a hospital. So something horrible must have happened to me.

I barely remembered the party, and I had absolutely no idea when it had been. It could have been weeks into the future and I would have never known. Then again, I doubt Eli would have been bedside with me if it had been very much later. I would imagine he would wait four days, perhaps five – then give up all hope of me waking up. He'd go get wasted, smoke some cigarettes, and take some other drug until he would finally get over me. He had done it with every other girl so surely this wouldn't be so different.

I fell asleep again. I don't know how long I was out but when I awoke again, there were voices in the room. At first they weren't so recognizable, but soon I could hear the husky voice of someone I knew wholeheartedly, and the voice of a spunky teenage boy.

"Dude, she's going to be okay." Adam said sincerely. I didn't dare open my eyes to see the two of them, but I imagined Adam to be sitting beside Eli in another seemingly uncomfortable metal chair.

"But what if she _isn't _okay, Adam? What if I lose her like I lost Julia? What if she never fucking wakes up?" Eli growled.

"Well, then you'll just have to live remembering that you were a great boyfriend for the time that you were."

I could hear Eli scoff, and the legs of the chair squeak as he pushed them away. His feet shuffled on the tile as he stepped closer to me. The light that I could see through closed eyes above me was suddenly covered, and I could feel Eli's presence above me. I heard him sigh. "No, Adam, I am actually a really shitty boyfriend." He muttered. His hands brushed against the thin blankets that covered me and I tried desperately not to react to it. "But I wasn't with her." There was a bit of hesitant courage in his voice, and it cracked suddenly. "I tried for her." Eli sighed again, and stepped out of the way again – the light shining down on my face again. "Oh well."

Adam bickered slightly, trying to raise his hopes that everything regarding me would be all right. He offered that he would take him to the hospitals cafeteria and buy him a soda or something to keep him awake while he waited here for me. Eli muttered something about not wanting to leave me here alone in case I might wake up, but eventually after some arguing, he agreed, and I listened closely as the door opened and, before it closed, hesitated significantly. As if Eli was staring at me as I lied there – hoping, just hoping, that I would awaken before he would follow Adam into the hospital. But it shut finally, and when I opened my eyes, Eli was gone.

It was then, as he was gone, that I realized how cold it was. I decided to sit up and call for a nurse. While I knew it would thrill Eli beyond belief to see me wake up in front of him, I thought this would be a better idea. Because if I woke when Eli was there, I don't know how I'd react. But now, I would be able to collect myself. I glanced around me, finding a button that would alert one of the nurses to come to my room, and when she arrived, she flashed me an excited smile and nodded towards me.

"Welcome back, Miss Edwards!" She said cheerfully. It had been so long since anyone had muttered my last name I had nearly forgotten that it even existed. I had become so used to Clare Diana it scared me. "You've been out for a few days now; it's good to see you up and about."

I didn't really know what to say to that especially since I wasn't exactly 'up and about.' I was merely awake and trying to sit up.

"Your boyfriend has been waiting in here for you to wake up the whole time. I don't think he even went home once." Well, of course he didn't go home. He hates home.

"He's not my boyfriend." I clarified; voice scratchy. I hadn't spoken in several days, so the sound of my own voice surprised me. I coughed as she clicked her tongue.

"Hmm," she muttered, checking one of the un-nameable machines and smiling towards me. "Well, he sure was acting like a boyfriend. He and your father had the longest discussion I'd ever seen." I pinned my eyebrows together in confusion, but decided not to ask any further questions. Eli would answer them for me, I hoped. "Your father, unfortunately, had to go to work." She unhooked the IV from my arm and continued rattling on about all of the fun I had missed while I was out. I didn't ask any questions or make any further comments on my complicated love life with Eli. "Now dear, I'm just going to check your –"

She was unable to finish her sentence because the door swung open and there was Eli – and Adam behind him – standing wide eyed and Pepsi Cola in his hand.

"Clare Diana, you scared the fuck out of me." Is all he says before he steps out of the threshold of the door and walks towards me. I try to smile, but I end up blinking confusedly. Once he had approached my bed, and stared down at me from above, I can see the fear in his eyes. How terrified he must have been. Before I could only hear it in his voice, but this was much different. "Are you okay?"

I nod slowly. "Yeah," I whisper. "I'm okay."

The nurse finished her check on my blood pressure, and then she left the room, leaving Adam, Eli and I alone together. They both pulled up the chairs they had been sitting in and stare at me, interested. It looks as if they are going to ask me something but there isn't really anything that they can ask me, because I've been unconscious for 'a few days,' whatever that even means. Adam is finally the one to sigh loudly, making the three of us sit up to attention.

"What happened?" I asked. Eli opens his mouth to speak but Adam cuts him off.

"You OD'd on LSD or PCP or something. But Eli got you here in time to save you. We were all pretty scared."

Eli muttered something underneath his breath, before looking up at me with sad eyes. I was hoping he would say something like _I'm so glad you're okay _or _I was so worried _or maybe _I'm so happy that you are alive _but he didn't say anything. But I knew he meant it because of what he had said to Adam. He just didn't know how to show it, and I couldn't judge him for that. I turned to look at Eli, begging with my eyes for him to say something, but his green orbs were glazed over. It barely even seemed like he was looking at me.

"Adam?" I asked, turning to him. He sat up straight in his chair at the mention of his name. "Could you leave Eli and I alone for a couple minutes?" Without question, Adam stood to his feet and shuffled out of the room. Before he left, he mentioned something about how Katie and Bianca were going to stop by later to say hello to me, now that I was awake, and I was fairly grateful for this. When we were finally alone, there was a thick silence in the room. All I wanted was for him to say something to me, but he looked wordless. Finally, I got up the courage to say something. "Hi."

"Hi."

"Sorry I almost died." I whispered.

"Sorry I let you." He answered.

Then we were silent again. He looked down at his hands in his lap. God, I wanted him to scoop me up in his arms and kiss me all over, maybe shed a few tears over how I'd survived and hold my hand until the moment I got out of there, but he didn't. He just stared at me, absentmindedly, trying to figure out the words he wanted to say. I just wanted to hear him say _I love you. _

"I talked to your dad." Eli said after what seems like a lifetime. I noticed him shifting awkwardly in his seat, but do my best not to make a note of it or make it seem as if I had stared at him doing so. "We're uh," he cleared his throat and looked up at me. "We're okay now. I apologized for being an ass, and he apologized for judging me so harshly. He said I don't have to go to summer school anymore, either. So we can spend the rest of the summer together before you have to go home." I smiled at him, liking that idea, though the conversation he shared with my father seemed to lack plot holes.

"That's wonderful." I said. Eli nodded, scooting his chair over closer to me. I wished he would just get up out of the stupid chair and sit on the bed beside me, but unfortunately that wasn't the case. "How long until I leave, anyway?"

"Twenty days." It surprised me greatly how fast the summer gone by. How little time Eli and I would have left together. I sighed deeply, my head falling back against the one pillow I was given. "They said you can go home tomorrow, if you're feeling better." Eli told me. "Your dad wants you to come home, and uh, I do too."

I blinked. "You don't want me to stay with you anymore?"

"No, no, it's not that." Eli answered quickly. He pulled his chair a few inches closer again, this time he could touch me if he really wanted to. "It's just that… I don't want you to get hurt, and I'm… I'm _hazardous_, I guess. Staying at your dad's will be better for you. Besides, my house is a dump, anyway."

"Did Randall tell you that? That you're hazardous?" I asked. The word seemed so out of context for Eli. He was nowhere near hazardous to me. In fact, he seemed to be the one that would save me from such demons. After all, he was the one that brought me to the hospital in the first place.

"No," Eli said hastily. I noticed him looking anywhere but my eyes at this point. I didn't know why he was doing that, but it made me tense up a bit. "Talia did."

Her name seems to make the roof of my mouth sting. I took in a deep breath, and let it out shakily. I didn't know _how_ exactly to say what I wanted and what I needed to say, but I knew I needed to get it out – immediately. So, taking a leap of faith in my speech, I opened my mouth and said: "Eli, you need to tell me about Talia."

He seemed a little bit surprised that I was so upfront about this, but the really surprising things came later. Moments later, actually, when Eli opened his mouth and began to tell me about Talia. He moved his chair closer again, and let out a long drawn out sigh that seemed to last forever. Like he was stalling, which, was perfectly fine. As long as he explained himself. And then, he did.

"Where are we now, one, two, three four? Three and four were clarified, mostly. I mean, Bianca I didn't have to say much about. We fell in love; we broke it off – now we're cool. I went into depth about Imogen but numbers one and two are the only ones I seem to have lacked in. It's probably because they're so difficult to speak about. Talia was number one… Talia is, fuck, she's a demon. I've never met someone that could single handedly ruin someone's life with a laugh but her… she was someone I wish I'd never known." Eli laughed quietly to himself, as if he was reminiscing in his head a specific moment in their timeline. He looked down at the tile and smirked, a look I'd missed seeing after a while. "I met Talia in Saturday school. You know, like the _Breakfast Club_." He gave me a reference like that because I told him several times that this was my favourite film. I like how he can remember bits and pieces of certain things. "She was a grade above me, and I thought she was cute, and she told me later on that I was the most attractive guy she had ever met. Score, I guess. I don't know.

"Anyway, back then I was kind of pathetic. I never did drugs, I never went to parties, and I never slept with girls. In fact, at this point in my life, ninth grade, I was a virgin. It wasn't until a few weeks later at a party that Talia had dragged me to that she and Fitz forced me into a bedroom with this girl Julia to have sex for the first time. But Julia is a story I'll tell you later, maybe. I don't know. We're talking about Talia right now." Eli paused, and took a deep breath. "She convinced me to ditch Saturday school with her, and the two of us went to the park where all the homeless people are, and she gave me my first joint. Talia introduced me to a lot of firsts, but I guess I'm a little bit grateful for this. I mean, how else would I have been able to try these things? I guess I'm Talia to you, which is okay. Except for the fact that I love you and Talia never loved me." It's refreshing to hear him finally mention something regarding love towards me. In a way, I wondered if he had completely forgotten this. I closed my eyes and leaned my head against the pillow, almost as if I was going to fall asleep, but Eli knew I wasn't falling asleep. I was just getting comfortable to hear the rest of his story. I hummed, indicating for him to continue.

"Talia and I did everything together. From try new drugs to adventures in other cities and get lost. She and Fitz and I created the Fantastic Four. But one thing we never did was sleep together. Well, not until the end, that is. I don't know what it was about her, maybe it was the way she pulled me in and changed me so quickly that compelled me to be around her but I fell in love with it. I fell in love with her carefree attitude and the way she talked to me. Talia had a filthy mouth, but it just added to her attitude which I loved so much. The way her soft eyes could bring you in, and on one Saturday morning at Saturday school she could change you completely. She turned me into a completely new guy. From shy Eli Goldsworthy to a drugged out, attractive freshman in high school. I'm serious – Talia even raised my social stature. I don't know how she did it, but she did. And I loved it. And I loved her. But things change, they always do, don't they?

"Sure, when we were really high sometimes we would hook up, but never to the point where the pants were dropped and genitals collided but we really felt like it sometimes we would go climb in the plastic tunnels at the park and she would kiss me like we never had any other thoughts in the world. And it was such a nice feeling – to be wanted by her in a way that was more than just friends. I remember the day I went alone in to the tattoo parlor, and I got a plain line on my side and I said to myself: _this is for Talia. This is all for her, I love her. _And that's… when it went downhill. That's when everything finally started crashing and burning." Eli took a long, long breath before he even dared to continue. I opened my eyes for a split second to catch a glimpse of him, and he looked sad – miserable, even. I wanted to say something but I knew that that would be wrong. I needed to let him finish talking – to finish letting him tell me about Talia. "So, I threw myself out there and I told Talia that I loved her. Well, first I fucked her and then I told her that I loved her. I remember exactly what I said to her, too:

_Talia, it's been too long. We need to just get this over with and fucking have sex already._

And she said:

_Goldsworthy, you are absolutely right. Let's have sex._

And afterwards I told her. I waited until we were both finished and quiet and tired and we both were lying next to each other in her bed and she looked and me and I looked at her and I said:

_Talia, I need to tell you something._

_ What?_

_ Don't freak out, okay?_

I said that because I'd never actually told a girl I'd had feelings for them before. Like, legitimate feelings, I mean. So this could have possibly been single handedly the most terrifying thing I'd ever gone through.

_Why would I freak out, Goldsworthy?_

_ Because it's a big deal._

I pointed to my side with the tally mark and I said:

_Talia I got this for you. Because I love you. I'm in love with you._

Talia didn't say anything back to that. She simply kissed me on the forehead and turned off the light on her nightstand and went to bed. I wish I had gotten the hint from that but I was only fifteen, so what can you expect from that? So I went on the next few weeks following her around like a lost, sick puppy, hoping she might return the love feelings that I had for her. But she never did. She never reciprocated them. I always hoped that she might. I was her little protégé and that was it – nothing else. Talia had moved on to bigger and better things, much more important than The Fantastic Four and far more important than me. She tossed me away, telling me that she didn't love anyone and that she probably never would. I was okay with that. Any normal fifteen year old teenage boy likes to tell themselves that they can change someone – but it was different with Talia. She was so much more complex than I had ever imagined. Talia was different than other girls. Because unlike you, and Julia, and Bianca and Imogen, she didn't need to be corrupted. She was the corrupter. And I was the one she had ruined."

Eli stopped speaking for a moment, and shook his head slightly.

"I was such a fool."

This story that Eli had given me left open yet so many plot holes that I wondered about. But what about what Adam had said? How did her just rejecting his love make him hate her so much? There had to be more, but I couldn't push. He had already opened up to me so much. But then I remembered something – he had mentioned an extra name, the one girl he had lost his virginity to.

_Julia_.

I heard about her even less than I had of Talia. Today was the first time her name had ever been even uttered. When I was fake asleep, and here – now. I didn't ask any more questions though. I couldn't push him past his own limits. I could wait, or at least I wanted to believe that I could wait to hear this part of his story. There was only one part missing, after all. It worried me to know one day I'd be the fifth part to his story, a new addition that would never fade away. I had twenty days left with this boy and I had better make the most of it.

"You aren't a fool, Eli, you're fantastic." I told him, opening my eyes and rolling onto my side so I could get a better look at him. He smiled nervously, and extended a hand to finally touch me. He was so gentle and soft when he did so, it caused me to shiver. "Don't ever think you're a fool."

"I love you, Clare Diana." Eli answered. I hadn't expected it, but he leaned forward and pressed his lips to mine, giving me a quick kiss on the mouth before he pulled away and scowled. "Oh, shit, I forgot you had been unconscious for so long. You're in dire need of a breath mint, love."

I laughed, for the first time since the party. "Sorry. I didn't mean for it."

"I know you didn't."

We both smiled. I couldn't wait to get out of here and let things get back to normal. Whatever normal was, now.

…

Randall took me home from the hospital the next afternoon, and he promised he wouldn't ask any questions about what had happened and how I had got myself in the hospital to begin with. I assumed that Eli had told him everything anyway, but I didn't make a comment about it. When we got home, he helped me up the stairs, and made sure I was situated in bed. I know, you're wondering, why didn't Eli do that for you? He was there in the morning at the hospital, but at around eleven, he said he had some business to take care of and hurried out of the hospital. He told me he would see me later, whenever that was. He kissed my forehead and he took off, staring at me for a moment before he walked out the door. He seemed so happy to know I was alive.

"Clare, are you going to be okay?" Randall asked before he closed the door to my bedroom. I nodded slowly, and he gave me the most forced sympathetic smile I'd seen in a long time. He makes a move as if he's about to leave, but quickly stops and stands firmly in the doorway. "I just want you to know I'm glad you're all right."

"Thanks, Dad." I smile. I genuinely smile because I think this is the first time I've heard anyone say they were glad to know I was okay after all that had happened. I assumed he was done talking, but he quickly takes a step inside my room and lets his usually folded arms hang to his sides.

"Clare, I want to apologize for the way I acted at dinner." He said seriously. I perked up immediately at this. Since Eli had told me that he and my father were 'okay' now, I was longing for the details yet too frightened to ask. This could be my moment to find out everything that had happened at the hospital while I was out. "We were both upset with each other, and I wouldn't listen to you. I should have, I'm sorry."

I tried not to crack a smile, but I nodded. "I understand. Eli told me things between the two of you were fine now."

"I know it sounds awfully cliché of me to say this, but it was a blessing that Eli got to you when he did. Who knows what would have happened to you? He saved you, Clare. I'm so thankful." I hadn't heard my father talk like this in ages. I can barely remember him speaking so happily about anything even he and my mother were still… loving towards each other, which seems so far away that I can hardly remember it. I stare at him absentmindedly, noticing that it looks as if there are tears forming in his eyes. He opened his mouth to say more words of undying love for me, when there were several knocks at the door. He turned around and swallowed. "That must be Whinnie. She's coming over to keep me company while you're up here resting. Is that okay?"

I nodded. "Of course it's okay." I smiled awkwardly. "Have fun."

I still hadn't gotten to know Whinnie – nor did I actually _want _to, to be quite honest – but from what my father made of her, she seemed nice. And incredibly young, too, which came off as a little awkward to both Eli and I. Why would my father, verging on the age of fifty, want someone in their thirties? Eli jokingly said that Randall was a sugar daddy, and that was the only reason that Whinnie would be with my father in a million years. Both of us laughed, but I had this awkward feeling that perhaps it was true.

From downstairs, I could hear the muffled whispers of several voices, and the shuffling of the feet on the stairs as they – it sounded like more than one set of feet – walked up to my bedroom. There was a subtle knock at my door, which I instantly recognized to be Eli's and a large smile crept up onto my face.

"Come in!" I shouted.

The door immediately swung open, and there stood Eli, Katie, Bianca and Adam, carrying balloons and cards and chocolates and anything a girl stuck on one-day bed rest could imagine. I covered my face with my hands in excitement as they all marched in. So was this what Eli had been planning?

"Just Clare, you sly dog, who knew that this was what you were planning." Bianca said teasingly, as I pushed my eyebrows together in confusion. "Getting fucked up so we could lose Wonderland _just _so we could rename it Neverland? That's pretty sneaky. None of us saw it coming, did we, guys?" I knew she was kidding, hell, everyone knew she was kidding – but we all laughed along.

"You caught me." I giggled. My eyes wandered across the room to Eli, who I noticed wasn't exactly joined in on the festivities. Sure, he was there, and sure he was laughing at all of the jokes but he seemed to be facing away from me, rubbing the side of his face uncomfortably. Although I was advised against it, I sat up onto my knees and crawled across the bed to Eli standing near the end. And when my eyes caught sight of what he was hiding, I nearly when ballistic. "What the fuck!?" I shouted, reaching for his hand. "What happened?!"

Behind Eli's covered hand and turned away face lied a bruise so physically large it was impossible for someone _not _to notice it. His left cheekbone had been damaged significantly, and when I got a gander at his bloody nose and lips, my heart nearly stopped. Who on earth would do this to him, anyway?

When he didn't answer me, I shoved on his chest.

"I went to go fight Fitz," Eli grumbled. The others in the room didn't even have to be told what to do. They all knew that this was a cue to leave. Bianca left the balloons tied to my bedpost and Katie left the chocolates down on my dresser and the three of them scooted out of my bedroom so fast it was hard to believe that they were even there in the first place.

"Now why on earth would you want to do that?" I asked, my voice suddenly turning sympathetic as I gently grazed my fingertips over his bruises, watching as he winced at the feeling. "Tell me what happened."

"I couldn't go beat up Talia for what she did; she's a girl. So I went to the next best thing, the one who bought the drugs from her: Fitz. But he ended up monumentally kicking my ass so it was a bit of a disappointment. Or, I was." Eli admitted, looking shameful with every word he spoke.

"Yeah, I can see that. You look horrible."

I got up from the bed, wobbling a bit as I walked towards my bedroom door, gripping the handle.

"Clare, you're supposed to stay in bed." Eli informed.

"Oh, fuck off." I rolled my eyes.

I can hear Eli snort as I walk into the bathroom and run a wash cloth underneath the water. Eli followed close behind me, just to make sure I wouldn't fall and hurt myself. I pointed to the toilet seat, instructing him to sit down, which he did immediately. I touched softly at the hardened spots of blood on his lips and nose. Every time I'd press just a little bit too hard, Eli would shut his eyes and tap his fingers on the sink counter beside him, reminding me much of the first time I had ever given him head – though the situation was much different now.

"Don't go fighting boys who are five inches taller than you." I say sternly, yet jokingly at the same time. Eli cracks half a smile and nods slowly, the cloth brushing against his bruise making him yelp in pain again. He looked so miserable under my control like this.

"You would have laughed if you had seen him. I walked right over to him, decked him, and then ate shit. Like, I tripped over myself and that's when he pounced. I looked so stupid." Eli tried to laugh at himself, but it only made his expression reflect more and more sadness. I shook my head at his poor digression. "I didn't even have to tell him why I was so angry. It was like, he knew. Like he was expecting this to happen."

I placed the wash cloth down on the sink and stepped a few feet forward so I could wrap my legs around his on the seat. I noticed him biting down on his tongue to stop himself from swearing at the pain. I frowned.

"Where else do you hurt?" I asked, starting to pull away but Eli moved his hand to the small of my back to hold me to him still.

"Ribs." He whispered – his voice sounded incredibly strained, which made my heart throb at his pain. "But don't move. I want you here. Just stay still."

So we stayed in that position for quite some time. I don't know how long it was, and I don't know how long Bianca or Katie or Adam waited downstairs for – in fact, I had some imaginary idea that they had left the moment I'd noticed the bruises on Eli's face. But as he held me in his arms, I felt safe. So calm and delicate. I wasn't going to be hurt by anything else ever again. Talia had failed, and Eli had won. It was all over, wasn't it? Now we could just be ourselves and carefree and happy and –

"Eli, you know I can't… I can't do drugs or drink with you anymore." I said softly, whispering it so quietly into his ear I wondered if I had even said the words at all. It was like I had forgotten them. But I went on, anyway. "After what happened… it's not a good idea. It's a really bad idea, actually."

"I know." He said back to me, his lips pressed so close to my ear I could feel how hot his breath was against my skin. "I can't almost lose you again. You're too precious to me." I could feel my cheeks turning red with a blush but he wasn't able to see it. I wondered if he was blushing too – though his bruises would cover it. "No drugs, no alcohol. Just you and me and sobriety." I laughed softly in his ear, wondering if he had meant to make it rhyme.

"I hope that's not too stressful for you."

Eli shook his head, his hair brushing against my face. "Nah, you're my drug, Clare Diana. You're my heroin."


	15. Alice Practice

**A/N**: I'm not gonna bother giving some excuse as to why I haven't updated lol I'm just really sorry I haven't and I promise I'll get the next chapter out as soon as possible. Thank you all for being you guys and I love reading all of your reviews you guys are cuties. Here's chapter fifteen! spoiler: there are only three more chapters left. well, two plus an epilogue. just preparing you all for that OKAY sorry i'll stop talking. This chapter is exasperatingly long and if you don't like it when it's long I apologize for that lol. Also I'm kind of iffy on it (but i always am w/ every chapter) but arielle has reassured me that it is fine. OKAY I'M DONE REAL THIS TIME.

**Rating**: Hip hip horray for sober sex!

**Disclaimer**: I don't own Degrassi and I can't think of anything witty to say.

* * *

"Sad eyes sad eyes like sharpened daggers. You'll never walk only stagger. Sad eyes, quite cryptic." **_Alice Practice | Crystal Castles_**

After a few days of me recovering on bed rest, Eli decided that he and I needed to go on another date. Just him and me. There would be no run-ins with the Fantastic Four (or, what was left of the Fantastic Four with Fitz now what seemed to be in hiding) or talks with my dad. It would be just him and I alone, spending the day together. There was no way in hell I could ever turn something like that down. Eli didn't give me very many instructions, other than to pick out a swim suit and a towel and to wait outside of my house until he would show up. At first I thought he was going to take me to the high schools pool that we had rubber-duckied and turned pink, but when he pulled up to my house with the passenger seat window rolled down, he said:

"Hey, pretty lady! Let's go to the beach!"

Seeing as I'd lived in the very middle of Canada for all of my life, and the only thing I had ever seen before was a lake – this was quite the exciting time for me. I jumped into the car, and for the first time I think ever, Eli allowed me to pick the music that we'd listen to. We went back and forth between a bit of _no, you decide – it's your car _and _no, Clare Diana, I want you to pick because I love you. _But eventually, I changed it to a slightly indie station and Eli endured it the entire way to the beach he had chosen.

"Clare Diana, do you know why I am taking you to the beach?" Eli asked as he took a quick right into a parking lot sort of area. The beach was directly in view, and I tried not to grin as I could see the waves in the far distance.

"No idea."

He slowly parked the car, and took the key out of the ignition, shoving it into his pocket. I suddenly noticed that for the first time ever, Eli was not in black skinny jeans. He was in _shorts. _Swimming shorts. I know he had told me to wear a swim suit too, but I didn't expect him to. In fact, I had never even imagined him in shorts before. I shook my head to get my mind out of the strange place it had wandered off to and gave him a smile. "Because from the moment I saw you I thought to myself, _I'd like to take her to the beach_. And I'd been putting it off all summer. So what would be better than you and I having a drug-free day at the beach? I can think of nothing." Out of nowhere he reaches behind the front seat into the back of the hearse and pulls out a picnic basket and hands it to me. "Hold this for a second." He pulls out an oversized blanket which appears to be heavy and gives me a humungous grin. "Okay, come on."

Eli mentioned something about racing me down to the sand, and in a spur of confidence I agree to it. I'm carrying my towels and a picnic basket and Eli is hauling the large picnic blanket as we both run, throwing our cautions to the wind. The sand seems to overwhelm my flip-flops, making it extremely hard to run, but at least I'm not Eli who trips over his own feet and falls blanket first into the sand. I stop suddenly to get a glimpse at him before keeling over laughing, dropping everything I'm holding. And I start to think about it, and I don't think I've laughed this hard all summer. Sober, I mean. I'm sure in a fit of drunkenness I've laughed like a maniac – but this is different. This is real and Eli had fallen over and looked like a complete and total idiot.

"Oh, hush, you." Eli yelled, and before I knew it he was already up and running across the sand again. I scrambled up to my feet and chased after him, the basket clanking with what seemed like plates inside awkwardly in my hands as I ran.

"Hey, you're supposed to _let_ your girlfriend win, you know." I teased as I finally arrived at his destination nearly out of breath. He was spreading the blanket out on the sand but stopped to lean forward and kiss me. His lips lingered at the corner of my mouth for a little longer, making it more than just a peck on the lips.

"Good thing you're not my girlfriend." I couldn't see it, but I could hear and taste and feel the smirk against his lips. I pushed at his chest with my freehand to get him to stumble backwards. Gently, I placed the basket down on the blanket and rolled my eyes. "You're the love of my life."

I blushed softly, kicking off my flip-flops and sitting down on the blanket. Eli mimicked me, doing the same. "What did you pack us?" I asked.

"Actually, CeCe did." I furrowed my eyebrows. "That's my mom."

"Oh, right." I tried not to let it bother me that I didn't know his parents.

"Anyway, she made us peanut butter and jelly sandwiches." Eli looks a little disappointed at the lunch that he had for us. At first I thought it was just because it was so boring, but then he adds: "It was really all that we had that wasn't expired in the refrigerator." And a bit of guilt crept up in my stomach. "I bought us some cookies from the grocery store and a bottle of Pepsi Cola. There are some other little things too but we don't have to eat them." By _little things _he means assorted amounts of junk food. And I realize this because he pulls each and every thing out of the basket one by one. He placed a plastic plate in front of me, along with a sandwich wrapped four or five times in plastic wrap to keep it fresh. I didn't say anything about it, because I wanted him to know that I was grateful for all of this and in no way judging him. I smiled graciously.

"This is adorable. I love it. Thank you." I said, but Eli shook his head.

"No, thank you for being mine."

The words made my heart bubble over with excitement and out of appreciation and happiness I lunged forward and kissed him on the cheek. We both crossed our legs into criss-cross and put our plates in our laps. Before I could even take a bite of the sandwich, Eli reached into his picnic basket and pulled out what appeared to be a cassette tape.

"So I don't know if you have a cassette tape player at home or not, but I made this for you." Eli said. I put down the sandwich in my hands and reached for it in his hands as he held it out to me. I flipped it back and forth a few times, reading the name written in sharpie overtop of a strip of masking tape. _Clare Diana's. _I smiled a little. "I made you a mixed tape. It's got a bunch of _Nirvana_ and _The Clash_ and some other songs that remind me of you on it. It's so that when you go back to Canada you won't forget about me."

I wanted to say something like, _I could never forget about you_, or _you're so wonderful, there's no way I'd ever forget you_ but I just smiled and said: "Thank you, Eli. I'll listen to it on the plane ride."

Each of us dug into our sandwiches, and drank our Pepsi Cola and shoveled piles of chips into our mouths and laughed at how ridiculous each of us looked.

"Hey, you know," I started, wiping the corner of my mouth with one of the napkins that was lying in the picnic basket. "This is the first time I've ever been to the beach." I admitted.

"Really?" Eli cocked his head to the side, a lopsided smirk on his mouth.

"Yeah, there aren't any beaches in Canada where I live. I mean there are saltwater lakes and shit but that's about it." I threw an extra potato chip into my mouth and looked around me. The waves crashed against the sand and neighbouring people on towels did their best to fend off seagulls and other birds. In a matter of split seconds, Eli dropped his plate onto the picnic blanket and hopped up to his feet.

"Come on," He said, grinning. He held his hand out to me, staring blankly up at him. "We're going in the water."

"What?"

"You heard me. I didn't make you wear that bikini just so I could stare at you." I noticed his smile growing larger and larger until it looked as if it hurt to smile so big. I moved the plate off of my lap and reached up for his hand to help me stand to my feet.

He dragged me running down the beach, into the water where the sand was wet and cold between my toes. He'd laugh and he'd splash me and he would try to get me to go deeper and deeper into the ocean but I was too scared. He'd promise he'd keep me safe and a float but I just couldn't do it – I really couldn't go past my knees. He got me about waist high before I ran kicking and splashing back to firm ground. He grabbed my waist from behind and pulled me back into the water, spinning me around to face him. Our faces were dangerously close and when he said my name, my breath caught in my throat.

"Clare Diana," there went my breath. "You've seen _The Notebook_, haven't you?"

I laughed, rolling my eyes. "Of course. I used to make Jake watch it all of the time. Have you?"

"Yeah." He answered quietly. Or maybe he was speaking normally; the crashing of the waves made it kind of difficult to hear. "Yeah, Imogen made me watch it about a hundred times. I'm sure I stole it from Blockbuster more than it's been rented."

"Why do you want to know?" I asked. I wrapped my arms around his neck, bringing the two of us almost closer together.

"Well, I was just thinking that right about now is when you'd be saying _if you're a bird, I'm a bird. _If that's how the phrase goes."

I sprang a kiss upon his lips and nodded slowly when I pulled away. "Yes, that's how it goes. But I'm not a bird, see? I'm Clare Diana, and I'm all yours."

There was more to our day that didn't really need to be mentioned. He bought the two of us burgers from a stand not too far off of the beach. Yeah, he _bought them. _I nearly gasped when I saw him pull a soggy five dollars out of his swimming trunks pocket and hand it to the man at the stand who appeared to be upset that the money was wet. Eli mentioned that the burgers would have tasted better if he had stolen them, but he had been caught from that stand one too many times. We ate them back at our picnic blanket, and when the sun was finally setting and I was reflecting on our nearly perfect day, Eli seemed… sad, almost. His eyes weren't the happy glimmer they were earlier that day. The way they looked when we were in the ocean. He didn't seem very happy.

"Are you okay?" I asked, wiping the corners of my mouth with the back of my hand. "You look… weird."

"Just tired." Eli answered, giving me a faux reassuring smile. I didn't buy it.

"Tired of what?"

He seemed surprised at that question, and shrugged his shoulders. "I don't really know. Tired of keeping everything to myself, I guess? Tired of hiding things from you. I mean it's hard enough keeping all of it bottled up inside of me, but looking at you I can see it's making you upset, too. The fact that I don't tell you everything about my past."

"Eli, you've opened up to me more than I thought you ever would."

"I know but there's more, you know. I'm not done with the whole story. There's more you should know."

"Then why don't you tell me?"

"Listen, Clare Diana," Eli said seriously, utter determination laced on his tongue. "Things are going to get different between us once you know the whole story. I know they will, which is why I've been so… so hesitant to tell you everything. I never wanted you to find out about any of this. Especially Talia. Imogen and Bianca I could deal with, but this… this is deeper than anything I've ever wanted to express. I mean, the Fantastic Four know not to breathe a word about it… they know how it makes me." There was a break in his speaking, and his breathing, and all sounds seemed to cut out for a moment. Just two seconds of absolute silence where not even the crashing of the waves or the squawking of the seagulls caught my attention. Just two seconds of Eli's nothingness. I could see from the way his hands were shaking and the way his eyes were darker that this was all very difficult for him. I nodded, trying to be gentle when I was internally beckoning for him to go on. "I don't want things to get different, Clare."

I shook my head. "Things won't get different, I promise."

"But they will! I know they will!" Eli argued. Suddenly, he stood to his feet, pacing back and forth across the sand and blanket we had spread out. "I don't want to tell you. I can't tell you. I can barely even say it out loud. Fuck, fuck, fuck!" I merely watched as he strolled back and forth in front of me. "Things are going to get different when I tell you. I can't tell you that I killed Julia!"

He stopped.

Silence again.

I tried not to appear too surprised at this revelation… I mean, that did seem a little off of the top but… also somewhat predictable for Eli? I stared at him, expecting him to continue – but he stared at me, expecting me to say something. He probably expected me to get up and leave, to abandon him in this fucked up time of his. After minutes of agonizing silence, he finally continued.

"I killed my girlfriend. My only ever real girlfriend died, and, for fucks sake it was all my fault." Eli sat down on the blanket a few feet away from me, crossed his legs and got into storybook mode. Then, he went on. "I lied a little bit, okay? Because after I slept with Talia, I didn't really lose all contact with her. Because back then, the Fantastic Four was Talia, Fitz, Adam and I. Her and I were still close as ever, and we still got high and we still got wasted and we would still make out every once and a while until Julia really made it into my life.

"You know, they say when you lose your virginity to someone, you're usually attached to them in a way you'd never really expect. And no matter how much you want to be _unattatched _it's humanly impossible. I want to tell myself now that this is utter bullshit, but it isn't. That saying, and whoever said that is so true. So fucking right. Because I lost my virginity to Julia, and Julia lost her virginity to me and we were somehow magnetic to each other. Talia told me that to open me up, I had to just sleep with Julia and pretend none of it ever happened the next day. And I was okay with this, and it all seemed to be fine – I'd slept with Talia a few weeks later anyway, so my mission had been accomplished. You know, the mission to get with Talia because at the time I thought I loved Talia. Hell, I did love Talia but it was pointless. But then Julia came back – and everything was a rollercoaster from then on.

"Julia was always jealous of Talia – no matter how many times I assured her that she didn't need to be. She was worried that one day I was just going to run away with Talia and forget about her, but I promised I wouldn't. And I'm so positively sure that if Julia hadn't of died, I would still be with Julia today. I fucking _loved _Julia. I tried to stray away from Talia while I was with Julia. I made things official with Julia because hell, she was the first girl who had ever reciprocated feelings for me, anyway, and she was beautiful and I wanted her to be mine. I'd bring Julia to Fantastic Four meetings, and I'd do things with her that I hadn't even _done _with Talia. I did the same thing with you and Bianca and Imogen, I introduced Julia into drugs. Not anything more hardcore than pot and like, shrooms, but she always was worried about me. I got the tattoo for Julia to try and prove to her that she had nothing to worry about when it came to Talia – that I really did love her, and that I always would. But Julia always took that stupid tattoo the wrong way. She was just another girl that I had fallen for, and the right side tattoo would come along soon enough.

"For some reason, Julia thought that since Talia and I would sometimes meet up for Fantastic Four meetings that Julia wasn't allowed to come to, she thought we were fucking each other. So to get back at me, she'd sleep with a couple boys here and there. She would tell me about them, trying to get me to break and freak out and beg for her to stop but every time – I didn't. I'd forgive her, I'd ask her nicely not to do it again and that I would still love her no matter what would happen. I don't know what Julia was always trying to accomplish with this but I kept all my hurt and anger on the inside, because I hoped that me staying calm would keep her close to me. But I mean, I was at the brink of getting that right side tattoo the whole time. I waited patiently for her to break up with me, thinking it was all my fault that our relationship was crashing and burning. Talia tried to help me cope by giving me more and more drugs, kinds I had never even tried before. I'd lie awake at night unable to sleep, wondering who Julia was off screwing that night. But then things changed – drastically.

"Julia came to me one night in the rain. She told me she was sorry for everything that had happened, that she was sorry that she was cheating on me, that she had ever doubted my loyalty to her and that she was sorry for what she was about to do. I could tell she was a suicidal mess at the time. Hell, we both were – it was like I could smell it on her skin. So I pulled her inside and I sat her down and I talked her out of whatever was supposed to happen. At that point, I really thought things were going to be okay. She spent the night, we got over it – everything was fine. Except it wasn't.

"I guess Talia never really liked Julia. I guess she said we were both that typical annoying little freshman emo couple who would try to privately make out behind the basketball courts during lunch without getting caught by campus supervisors. And when summer rolled around and Julia kept cheating on me, I'd confide in Talia; telling her all about the bullshit that was happening. I guess she hated Julia. She would say things like _sorry I made you have sex with a skank. I should have hooked you up with someone way cooler. _I'd laugh it off, get high again. When things got better for Julia and I, I guess the tables were turned – Talia got jealous. The two of them were the biggest cats you could ever see, and I never wanted them in a room together because I knew heads would roll. It was hard to keep up with both of them. I remember Adam once said something about how their names were almost identical, which I thought was the dumbest thing I'd ever heard. Julia. Talia.

"Summer was almost over, I'd be heading into the tenth grade soon and things were actually okay for Julia and me. She didn't bother me with Talia business and Talia didn't bother me with Julia business. I guess one day – Julia just snapped. Her parents were yelling at her, and I guess I was being a shit boyfriend because I didn't seem to give a shit about her problems. All I wanted was to get high – so I did. She came to me crying, and I passed her a joint and told her to get over it. Julia ran off and point blank, at the moment I didn't care. I should have cared. I should have cared more. I was such a fucking bad boyfriend."

Tears start to well up in Eli's eyes, the glimmer of the sunset shaking off of them and my heart starts to ache at how sad he appears to be. I can't tell if the story is over yet, so I sit in silence waiting for him to continue. He stares off at the ocean instead of looking at me, his hair being blown around by the seas winds. I think about reaching out to grab his hand or something, but he shakes his head.

"They found Julia's body in one of the ravines two towns over two weeks later. At first I thought she had just run off and killed herself, and I felt bad. I was heartbroken and it was utterly devastating but I wasn't angry at anyone. Hell, at the beginning I wasn't even angry with myself. I was there at the hospital with Julia's father and step mother when they were discussing the autopsy. That's when things really changed.

"They found traces of OxyContin in her system, along with pot. That meant she must have been high when all of this had happened. That meant she had to have taken something before she had left – and I knew that _I _was the only one who ever supplied her with anything. Which meant that if I hadn't, she had to go to someone that she knew had drugs. Julia only ever knew of one person. And that person was Talia.

"So I ran to Talia's house, I demanded to know what happened – and Talia laughed. She fucking laughed.

_Yeah, I gave her the weed. And yeah I added some shit to it. It was just a joke. She fucking deserved it, that little shit. She always deserved it after what she did to you._

_What so is this when you start caring? Julia's dead, Talia! She is fucking DEAD. You killed her!_

Talia didn't believe me. She told me I was being a fucking liar and that she didn't kill her. Talia tried to spin it around on me saying that it was my fault. That if I hadn't gotten Julia into drugs this wouldn't have happened in the first place. And Clare Diana, I know she may not seem like it – but Talia is a very convincing

_Don't you fucking blame me for this, Goldsworthy. I was just fulfilling her need. She came to me crying over how you wouldn't give her the attention she wanted when she was apparently 'miserable.' She asked me for drugs, and I gave it to her. Yeah, I gave her a little bit of a kick but I expected her to have a bit of a shitty trip not fucking die. If it's anyone's fault, it's yours for ignoring her. Yours for getting her into drugs in the first place, and yours for being a fucking dick. Eli, you're a loser. _

I swear to God if Talia wasn't a girl I would have fucking beat the shit out of her right then and there. I walked out on her, and I walked out of her life. I almost killed myself that night, too, because I thought that Julia and I could be together in some lifeless sort of world or Hell or whatever. I didn't realize how much I loved Julia until then. I didn't realize how much I needed her.

But I knew I needed to get over it. I got the tattoo, and I went home. I smoked a lot of pot that night and I thought about how I could kill myself without making it seem so totally… irrational. Hanging myself was too cliché and overdosing made it look like I was just trying to get high. I knew my dad had a gun somewhere in his room so I took that. I held it in my hands and I thought about pulling the trigger but then I remembered something. I was fucking better than that. I was better than death and Talia and Julia and everyone all put together. I let it all weigh heavy on my heart for a long time – but I made myself get over it. I fucked as many girls as I could and I tried any kinds of drugs I could get my hands on without dying. I met Bianca, and things went uphill from there. Things were a rollercoaster from Julia on out and I'm sure I'll never get off of the ride, but I'm managing. Somewhere along the line I saw Talia at a party and when she tried to talk to me I told her that I wanted her to die, and I meant it. I still mean it. Especially after what happened with you. She needed revenge, but I guess she will never get it."

That was the end of the story. It was the concluding paragraph to Julia and Talia and the mixup and the drugs and it all formed how Eli was today. Everything made sense now. I got every last bit. I looked at Eli, and he looked back at me. He looked so solemn and unhappy that he had to tell me everything, but he would have had to at some point. He sighed.

"I'll take you home, if you want to leave."

"No, I don't want to." I said honestly. The sun had finally set over the horizon and darkness was beginning to take its place around the two of us on the beach. It was starting to get colder, and things were starting to get more serious. "I don't think it was your fault." I told him. "I don't think it was Talia's either, I think it was all one big fuckup. I don't think you killed Julia, though."

"Well, it doesn't really matter what you think, does it? I mean, she's always going to be dead. There's no changing it."

"Yeah, but there's changing your mind. You won't have to be sad anymore."

"I haven't been sad for years, Clare Diana. It just hurts talking about it."

I didn't respond to him. Instead, I moved over to where he was sitting and crawled into the space in between his legs. I kissed the skin beside his mouth and I rested my head against his chest. We stared out at that ocean for what felt like forever, just watching the waves roll in and the night time take what was day only a few hours before. He held me in his arms and he sang me our song and I wondered if he felt as heavy as he must have before he had told me everything. Before had did with Talia and Julia, Imogen, even. Everything was in the open now. I wondered if when I left, would I just be something heavy he would have to carry anymore.

I could feel Eli's careful hands sliding up underneath the fabric of the thin silky tank top, and I sucked in a deep breath of the salty air. He knew no boundaries as he tip-toed his fingers up to my naked breast which he grasped and kneaded slowly. Steady breathing never really lasted long with me, and before I knew it my breath was caught in the back of my throat and I was stuck staring at him lying beside me. His eyes were fixated on his hand subduing my skin and I could see little glimpses of his tongue slipping out to lick his lips and the way his bottom lip would be tugged on by his white teeth. I could feel what he wanted without having to even say it, or hell, think it. His thumb and forefinger worked around my nipple, rolling it slowly and flicking it softly every once and a while to see if he would get a rise out of me. I'd suck in a breath but I'd try not to gasp or moan to save him the satisfaction. I wasn't that desperate.

His eyes flickered up to meet mine for what seemed like a millisecond before he looked back to his hand. It was like he wanted to know if I was staring at him, which, I was, but he couldn't feel my eyes on him. He had to see them for himself. Eli let out a steady breath and firmly cupped my breast in his hand before saying anything:

"You know how I have hooked up with seventeen people?" Eli said slowly. I nodded. I hated when he brought it up, but yeah, I knew. "I've never, not once, had sex on a beach."

"I suppose I'll be the first of many more in the future." I said solemnly, the romantic mood starting to feel as if it was dropping as the conversation progressed.

"No." I had never heard his voice so serious before. "Just you. This is just you and me."

"I bet you say that to all the girls. I bet you have special places for everyone."

"No." He said again. It sent chills racing down my back and I had no idea why. "You are different, Clare Diana. You have always been different. You are different from all the rest and you always will be. You're much different than Talia, or Julia, or Bianca, or Imogen. You're radiant and intelligent and… I love it all." He sealed all of his words with a long kiss on the lips. I could feel his hand sliding down from my breast to hold onto my waist tightly. I always loved that. Truthfully, I loved him touching me on all occasions but when his hands held my waist – I felt right at home.

Eli kissed me with fervor that made my whole body warm up. It was fairly cold outside, especially with the breeze from the ocean, and he changed it all. I moaned unknowingly into his mouth as his tongue seemed to consume me. Before I knew it, Eli had rolled on top of me, and kissed down my neck. Everything was moving so quickly and I stared up at the night sky, seeing stars that I didn't even know existed.

"There are stars out." I muttered.

"What's your wish?" Eli breathed down my neck. A smile curled onto my lips, and a gasp erupted seconds after as Eli's teeth sunk into my neck to drive me crazy.

"If I say it out loud, it won't come true."

"How cheesy would it be if I said that…" He kissed up my neck, his lips finding my jaw and the corner of my mouth. He breathed heavily for a moment, letting the words he hadn't finished yet hang in the air to make my head spin. He always made my head spin. "…mine already has?"

Eli's lips plunged in at mine, and I bucked my hips up at his, both of them crashing into each other like the waves on the sand. He quickly unbuttoned his jeans, and I pulled down on the small pair of soft shorts I was wearing, and uncontrollably my back arched up towards him. It was like I had been begging for this for as long as I could remember. And in fact, I don't remember the last time that Eli and I had done anything of the sort together for a while. It felt like weeks, and I didn't bother to ask but it was pegging at the back of my mind. Like the feeling of a cut on the roof of your mouth and you can't stop messing with it.

Eli's hand slipped between my legs, rubbing me quickly to get me warmed up for the real heat that would arrive moments later. I took these two seconds in between a moan and a whimper to notice that neither of us had really disregarded of our undergarments or assorted clothes. All there was were shorts pushed down to our ankles and my shirt that was riding up past my breasts so Eli could get a good look at what he liked so much. In a hushed whisper I moaned out my adoration to how his hand felt pressed against me down below and I bucked my hand harder against him and stifled a gasp.

I was too busy staring at a montage of stars above my head, forming into constellations of my past memories and all of the beautiful things that had happened so far over this summer vacation, but I could imagine a smirk glued onto his smug little face. In short, swift movements he lifted my hips up with his palms and wrapped my legs around his waist. My aching center pressed up against him as I bit down on my bottom lip. The idea of being so close to him while being so sober was so undeniably invigorating that it sent shockwaves down my spine and a moan pouring out of my lips.

"I love it when you're so needy." Eli purred into my ear. He pressed my back down against the picnic blanket, my back conforming in with the sand underneath us. I never knew sex on the beach could become so… sensual. "When you're crying out for me, and you have to beg and plead and your eyes are glassy. Oh, Clare Diana… you sexy little minx. When I touch you, does it turn you on?" My insides screamed and begged for me to tell him no; to not give him any form of satisfaction when he tried to do his little dirty talking. But then his hand slid down my thigh once again, and the rapid, quick pace he had shown me moments before he repeated on my bundle of nerves and I cried out in utter bliss once again. "Tell me, Clare Diana, do you like it when I touch you like this?"

"_Eli…_" I moaned out, slurring his name significantly. My hands rose slowly up into the air, as if gravity was holding them down. I gripped onto his dark locks as if begging for mercy. I was not going to answer any of his stupid questions if I could stop myself from doing it. I gasped out loudly, my abdomen filling with the heat of the moment, of Eli, and of his stupid fingers.

"Does it turn you on to know we're on a beach… at night… in public? There could be people all around us and neither of us would know. Does that make you hot, Clare? Anyone could walk past and hear you screaming out my name… yeah, you like that, don't you?"

"Stop…" I moaned. Of course I didn't _really _want him to stop. In fact, I wanted him to move forward already. It was more of the stop with the goddamn fucking teasing and to get on with it. Sometimes his ego would run everything instead of what _should_ have been at the time – his dick. "Stop teasing me already you're driving me insane." I hissed, seething with faux anger that dripped from my tongue.

"It's cute when you're all hot and bothered, you know that?" Eli whispered, lowering his face down close to my mouth. I could nearly feel his heart thumping in his chest, and the way his hot breath felt against my skin was enough to make me go crazy. He must have had a list inside his head of things he knew would set me off in all of the right ways. All the rights and wrongs to turning me on like a light switch in his bedroom. He must have had a journal or a list of notes on his cell phone. He must have known everything!

"I'm literally going to kill you if you don't hurry the fuck up."

"So fucking impatient…"

His hips smashed into mine, erupting the loudest gasp I think I had ever made in my entire life. I'm sure that if there were anyone else on that beach – which I hoped there wasn't – that they would have heard it as crystal clear as the water was. He quickly cupped his hand over my mouth, not bothering to slow down the pace of how his hips were moving against me. The rough pace he had instantly created making my body tense up with pleasure.

"We've got to keep quiet now, don't we, Clare Diana?" Eli hissed. His breath was trying to catch up to him but it was nearly impossible with every thrust of his hips into me. "You've got to be quiet for me, can you do that?"

I stared up at him with awestruck eyes, wondering deep in my thoughts if that was even possible at this point. "I can… I can… I can try – oh my _god _Eli!" I screamed out, raking fingernails down his back as he pushed father and deeper into me.

"You're not doing a very good job, sweetheart. I said to _be quiet_." And as if in an attempt to shut me up, Eli crashed his lips into mine, creating a loud sucking sound between the two of us, mixed with the mild grunt from Eli and the occasional squeal of bliss from myself.

This went on for what felt like hours of endless ecstasy when in reality in only lasted matters of minutes. Eli's head was buried in the crook of my neck, where he would make soft comments about how he thought I was beautiful and sexy and perfect. It reminded me of the last time we ever had sex together while we were sober. When we were in the small shower of his bathroom, and he had hoisted me up against the tile wall and said to me:

"_Clare Diana, you were birthed from excellence. You beautiful fucking bitch. Minus the bitch part, because you're so fucking lovely." _

And the term lovely felt so refreshing that I caved and gave in to any sort of fantasy he had in mind that day which went on in circles and circles of Eli Goldsworthy's fucked up mind. Beautiful, fucked up mind, of course.

In an attempt to finally let everything go, I held on tightly to Eli's shoulders and bucked my hips against his, causing him to move deeper and faster inside of me. A loud, breathy moan escaped through my swollen lips as we both seemed to erupt at the exact same time, holding onto each other and smiling uncontrollably and cursing under our breaths. I think I loved the sex we shared together when we were sober the most, more than all of the hypnotized and heightened sex we had ever shared thanks to drugs and alcohol. I think I loved a lot of things about Eli Goldsworthy that I never really mentioned to him.

We shivered for a few moments. Eli wrapped his extra-large coat around the both of us as I scrambled to reach for the shorts that were still hanging on by my toes; Eli did the same with his boxers. We both sat up, staring at the ocean in front of us, every moment seeming to last a lifetime. The way the waves crashed against the horizon, and the way the moon hung so brightly in the sky, surrounded by little specks of light that Eli always tried to assure me were airplanes – but I knew they were stars. It all was an enormous whirlwind of emotions and I nuzzled my head into Eli's chest.

"I wished for you." I sighed.

"What?"

"I said, I wished for you." I looked up at his eyes that were just like the stars overhead, bright little specks of light. "You and me forever. That I don't have to leave."

"I don't want you to leave." He admitted, clicking his tongue. "I want you to stay here for the last school year and the year after that and the year after that. And we can just pretend we know what we're doing when we don't."

"I'm not going to leave. I'm just going to stay."

"Good. I want you to stay."

We fell asleep on that beach; wrapped up in arms and blankets and jackets and each other. And when the sun rose on the horizon, above the water, we were both awake to watch it. And when it was all morning again, reality didn't set in yet. We still had forever.


End file.
